A Day in the Life of a Brown Noser

This post is dedicated to my friend Anna.

No she isn't dead, she gave me the idea for this post. It should also probably be noted that Anna is not the Brown Noser to whom I am referring.

Every office has one. Someone that just can't help themselves. Its a lifestyle really, a choice. You can't just accidentally find yourself up your boss' butt can you? No. You have made a choice to be there. Lately ours has really been irritating me. So with a little nudge from Anna I have put together a day in the life of said Brown Noser.

A Brown Noser is a person that is all sunshine and light to the boss/people with authority, but spews venom and daggers at those unfortunate enough to work below him/her. This Brown Noser takes every opportunity of putting themselves in a favourable light, while pointing out everyone else's deficiencies.

Stroll in 5, 10, 15 minutes late. Blame transit. Obviously was very backed up if you are late, nevermind that everyone else made it on time. No eyebrows are raised and no mention made of making up the time so you get to "work". If someone else is late, make a point of mentioning it loud enough for everyone to hear and ask when that person plans to make up the time.

Go through your emails and messages from the day before, talk through them out loud so that everyone knows that you are very busy and important. Any time that you finish a phone call loudly exclaim that the person on the other end doesn't know what they are doing and they are lucky you can fix their mess.

If the boss comes around perk up, laugh, make lame jokes that you know John, er sorry, your boss, will find funny. Make suggestions for how everyone else can be efficient. Should someone ask you to please help take some work off their precariously piled desk, make a face and tell them that you are far too busy. Then turn around and clack away at your computer before you go for lunch.

Take an extended lunch. You deserve it. You have been busy and important all morning. You will still have plenty of time to do nothing in the afternoon.

If you need to get anything from the other side of the office, or if you need to stretch your legs, never walk, stomp. If you stomp you show that you are in control and are making your presence known around the office at the same time.

Your manager comes over to ask if you could please train a co-worker quickly. You say of course, you would love to. Then don't do it. When reminded, smile brightly, say that you just plain forgot, so much going on, and promise to do it first thing Monday. Then don't. No one will bring it up again, they will think that you are too busy, just don't have the time. Your co-worker is going to be the one that gets berated for not being trained anyway.

Whenever anyone tries to commiserate with you about someone else's incompetence, highlight the complainer's incompetence. Smile and laugh while you do it. Bring it up with your boss later, they will appreciate the heads up about any kind of incompetence and mete out punishment/lectures/department wide emails as they see fit.

Leave the office with one last remark to your supervisor/boss about how much work you got done today and how much more efficient everything is thanks to their intervention. Look forward to doing it all again tomorrow.

Desired Outcomes

Can you believe that people actually say things like this? As in, "let's work towards your desired outcomes."

Do you know what my desired outcomes are? For you to stop harassing me daily. For you to pay me what I am worth. And to cut me some slack. And after all that, for me to walk in with a winning lottery ticket and tell you to go f**k yourself. Or at least a new job offer.

Perhaps I should back up.

A few weeks back I was hauled into a little meeting room with John, the guy who thinks he is my manager, and Amy, who actually is my manager. Clearly the whole thing was John's brainchild though. His issue? Well even though I complete all of my tasks, exceed processsing targets and generally rock, he caught me on Facebook (the bane of the corporate world). One time. Please note that I had been Facebooking daily for about...oh I dont know, the entire time I have been working here (sadly, about a year and half now)?

So anyway, they pulled me into this meeting at 4.05, knowing full well that I leave at 4.30 (4.25 most days, take that John!), and what? Expected me roll over and take it? Please. They obviously don't know me at all. They wanted me to sign a letter that they would be putting in my file (come on-- who doesn't have a letter in their file?) and be done in 20 minutes.

Well that didn't happen.

Here is what did happen. We talked round and round in circles for almost 2 full hours the next day. Nothing was accomplished except to set up another meeting for another time. At that meeting it was decided that in order to achieve some level of contentment in my role here, I would figure out a plan for my "desired outcomes". I asked them what they were going to do for this whole process, I got a "what would you like us to do?" (John wants the process to be a collaborative one--are you gagging yet?). I told him to fill one out too. For himself. He filled one out. But for me.

Anyway the result of all of this is that every week I get a one hour meeting with them both. A whole hour. Do you know that if he had just let me continue to waste time on Facebook and people.com and whatever else, he would have wasted less time than he has with this whole process? Trying to make things better has made it all worse. Every week I also get a "homework" assignment to be completed on work time-last week was to come up with 50 things I Liked about work. This week, based on John's Top 50 things he LOVES about work, to find the holes in my own job experience.

But it has provided me with some gems to post here.

Here are some examples of John's Top 50 Things he Loves about work:
#26: the dress code. It is relaxed enough to allow me to make choices, and does not force me to wear a tie which I really dislike.
#27: I love it when my staff are ‘jazzed’ (have you ever been 'jazzed' about anything? me either)
#41 The day goes by fairly quickly as I am generally enjoyably occupied in my day

Clearly the guy likes his job. Must be nice.

How about an example of what not to say to someone? While he was smilingly berating me for not being positive enough he asks me (and I'm not even sure he's allowed to ask me this but anyway...): "Have you ever had a health scare?"

I have not. Thank God. Touch wood I don't ever have one, thank you very much.

There's more: "Well maybe you should have one, really puts things into perspective"

I'm sure that my mouth dropped to the floor. I did not have anything witty or biting to reply with-- I mean how does on respond to a manager's wish for your health to plummet?

So much time wasted. And I'm not any closer to reaching any desired outcomes. I don't think that the ones that I listed at the beginning of this post would be accepted anyhow. So I will have to lie. Some more.

Movie Version of My Hell

At the urging of my friend, I watched Office Space again last night. I was told that I would think it was a lot funnier than the first time that I saw it. That I would be able to relate. Then we could make Office Space comments together, the way we currently do with Mean Girls- a highly quoteable film, and the last time that Lindsay Lohan looked hot.

But back to Office Space. I watched it last night, ready to be highly entertained. And do you know? It kind of felt more like an extension of my day.

I cringed when Lumbergh lumbers over to give Peter some instructions because that was exactly how my old boss used to talk! He used to think about every word that he would say and even though he's not really telling you to do something, he's not really asking either. MMkay? Great, thanks.

Don't get me wrong, I thought it was funny. It's really a genius movie. But more than that, its so...accurate. That really is what it is like to live in a cubicle. I really do have to account for my mistakes to several different people. And that redhead? The one that says "Corporate accounts. Please hold, thank you!" in a really highpitched annoying voice that becomes the soundtrack to his nightmares? I have a fake laugher on the other side of my cubicle wall. She is on the phone all day (sometimes on speaker so that I have the benefit of hearing both sides of the conversation) laughing her head off. Remember Monica's fake work laugh? Its worse. I just don't know how everything can be so funny! As for the awkward birthday party and cake--don't even get me started. That's a post on its own.

I guess the big question is, if you had a million dollars what would you do? Aside from the fact that $1 million won't go as far as it used to...I think that I'm with Peter on this one: nothing. I would need to decompress from this cubicle hell before I could seriously consider another 9-5 position. The idea of doing nothing really does appeal to me.

I don't want to spoil the ending for those of you that haven't seen it, but I don't mind telling you that it definitely played out one of my fantasies. I've definitely daydreamed about it.

I guess there is still hope for me? I mean if Milton can get his happy ending I sure as hell better get mine.

A Lamentable Lunch

I do not like meetings. They are a waste of time, nothing actually gets done and did I mention that they waste my time?

I had made an appointment (to get my bangs trimmed but still) this afternoon on my lunch. I figured that I would have enough time to get over there, get my bangs trimmed, grab a quick bite and be back just after an hour was up.

So my appointment was at 1.45, giving me 15 minutes to get over there. I would need to be back around 2.30. Yes, I was giving myself some leeway here because I didn't know how long it would take and I wanted to be able to eat.

I'm still hungry.

Because at about 10.30 this morning I got an invite. To a meeting. At 2.30. I don't know- can you set up a meeting the day of? Its not like I have any power to say, "actually can you move it? I have an appointment and I might be a few minutes late." No. So now I have to rush. So I booked it over to my hair dresser, told her I had a meeting. She did an excellent job (as always) and then I had to book it back here, getting all sweaty in the process (it's warm out!).

And I never had time to eat.

Do you know what was so important that a department meeting was necessary? Announcing a pizza party for next Friday. Even in elementary school they would have just sent a notice home instead of having an assembly. Because elementary schools know that people's time is valuable. John does not share these ideas.

So now I'm starving and overheated.

Bright side? My hair still looks great. And I have pizza to look forward to in a week.

Co-Worker Madness

I don't have an exciting job. Far from it. Its dull, boring, mindless, uninteresting dredge work. Jealous so far? Yeah, me either. But if the work itself is so boring, the least these people could do would be to have some personality right?

Wrong.

Maybe this isn't as surprising to you reading as it is to me--but apparently my industry attracts 2 kinds of people: the dull, mindless, uninteresting kind, or the whackjobs. For the most part. There are a few bright spots, but they don't last long. I'm hoping to be just one of those fleeting bright spots. Although the longer I stay, the smaller my chances are.

I'm going to break down some of the personality types that I work with-- I'm sure that you will recognize your co-workers in these.

Brainless Twat. For the life of him/her cannot get a grasp on simple processes. Most suited to sorting mail but inevitably gets 'promoted' to something requiring intelligence. Leaves important information lying all over the office, inevitably losing it. Tells pointless stories in the lunchroom, like the time they saw these girls drink a beer with a straw and they looked up and the girls were gone.

Bar Star. Has no concept of office appropriate clothing, the Bar Star comes to work dressed like she is heading out for the night. Heavy eye make up, short skirts and 'bling' are favoured by this co-worker. I could be wrong- maybe she just never made it home last night?

The Oddball. Perfectly nice person but a little on the strange side. Comes in 2 forms. Either really socially awkward, pretending to be stupid so that they don't have to take on extra work, charming everyone with their 'adorable' lack of social skills--for example this Oddball will shave her head on a bet. The other kind of Oddball seems to have perfectly normal social skills, able to work efficiently, but plasters their work areas with posters of Buffy and celebrates Wiccan rituals. May also engage in extreme gaming or fantasy communities.

The Crier. This person is actually in management but doesn't know what s/he is doing. The pressure to perform and the complete lack of any skills to back this up, means that the Crier practically dissolves in front of your eyes. S/he is unable to confront you without hysterics and will inevitably take a leave of adsence due to some hysterical illness.

Cuthroat Supervisory Friend. Beware this "friend". Nothing will stop this person from achieving their goals. The Cuthroat Supervisor stumbled into this job from something menial, with no background or education and will do whatever it takes to get to the top-- including sell you down the river. This person will be all sunshine and light when she needs you to do something, but is the first person jumping all over you for a mistake. This person believes that their s**t don't stink.

I actually work with these people. I used to use their eccentricities to brighten my day but now I look forward to the day when I no longer have to be around their shenanigans.

The Joys of...

They say that possession is nine tenths of the law. I have been told that it works kind of the same way with attitude and degree of happiness.

I don't think I'm buying this.

I know that technically if you force your face to smile, you should feel happier. Fake it til you make it right? But what my boss is saying (he's trying to make me positive at work--not happy, positive) is that if I look at all the positives at work, I will start feeling positive about being here.

So, as I mentioned before, he set me the task of coming up with 50 things that I like about work. I'm at 36...and I have been stretching this since 15. But I think his plan is really backfiring. Because instead of making me feel more positive, instead of the "oh wow, look at all the things that I like about work" reaction I'm sure he was hoping for, I'm thinking more "oh my god, I don't like anything here--why am I here?".

(an aside- I'm here because despite earning a none too cheap degree recently, the bottom seems to have fallen out of the world and jobs are scarce)

It's depressing. An example from my list? #26 is that I like office supplies. By #34 I felt the need to be more specific- I like highlighters. I'm thinking about working in my joy of post-its and all the different shapes and colours that they come in.

I have also been enthusiastic about the shape of my desk (#21) and having my own phone (#27).

I think you can see that I am struggling.

It has led me to thinking about all the things that I used to like about work. I used to gush about the people that I worked with. I would tell stories about how hilarious Sebastien was, how on my first day he took me to the beach on our lunch to watch shirtless soccer players. Once upon a time I even got to do crafts at work, AND dress up like a fairy (worked in a crafts store and did children's birthday parties). People were jealous about how much fun I seemed to have at work. Now people pity me.

So good job Management-another failed attempt. Where do they come up with these things anyway? Not only is it a huge waste of corporate time (definitely not working on this at home) but it hasn't even had the intended effect.

Not sure what part of this surprises me...

The Monday Blues

Why is that when you return from a vacation you are more exhausted than before you left?

I just got back from a 5 day mini-break: sunshine, reading, swimming, late mornings, great food. I was relaxed. It was paradise.

But it all unravelled so quickly. I think it started with the hellish drive back. We didn't anticipate too much traffic, leaving relatively early and it not being a long weekend. But traffic was heavy, coming to a standstill when we were still about 2 hours from home. By the time we stepped in the door, we were both exhausted. But we were optimistic that all we needed was a good night's sleep.

It probably didn't help that I was tortured by the mosquito bites all night (I have a fairly severe reaction to them so not only do they burn and itch and sting, they also tend to swell up along my joints and cause difficulty walking. Which is fun), or that that room was stuffy from having been closed up for a week . Not the best sleep. And then my alarm didn't go off like it was supposed to (it was on silent--how was my alarm clock on silent??) so when I did finally wake up I was extremely groggy and needed to rush.

And the first day back to work after an absence, however short, always means catching up. There are emails to sort through, phone calls to return, messages to check. All the things that you missed out on while you were happily occupied with a book and a drink, now come roaring to the forefront waiting to be addressed. It's one thing when the emails are a) for you and b) relevant but there is nothing worse than reading through a bunch of emails that you realize afterwards don't matter because they adressed issues from the week before.

Mondays are already unpleasant- the furthest day away from the weekend, the longest day of the week etc. But a Monday after a holiday? The worst. There are just extra unpleasantaries to contend with: Co-workers forcing you to relive the pleasures and excitement of your recent trip (only serving to remind you of how nice it was to be away and how not nice it is to be back), backlogged emails, the inability to get up to an alarm, the need for a drink before noon--post-holiday Mondays are the bane of a 9-5 existence.