Overshare Files: Wedding Drama

This one comes to you from the Overshare Files. Angela, I know that you have been waiting for more of this for a while. I hope it lives up to your expectations.

I was sitting in the lunchroom with Anna and Gloria, the Wiccan and a few other people. We were reading our horoscopes (which we do every day at lunch) and the Wiccan's horoscope said something about having to deal with something that she hadn't dealt with months ago. I said that it didn't sound very good, to which she replied "well last night the bride did ask one of her bridesmaids not to be a bridesmaid anymore".

We played along for 5 seconds- Anna and I simultaneously said "ooooooh drama!" but the Wiccan throws out these stories like we know all the characters and have been following along with the story for a while when actually, I had no idea she was someone's maid of honour.

Don't worry it gets better.

Turns out the bridesmaid in question wants to have a sex change operation.

She waited to start the process until after the wedding so that she could still be a bridesmaid. And the bride doesn't want her to be a bridesmaid now.

I'm not going to analyze the situation- I think its a really sh*tty thing this supposed friend is doing to the bridesmaid. I'm just not sure that it needs to discussed amongst your co-workers during lunch. We're not that close.

Its just a really weird thing to bring up. Dress shopping- sure. Bridezilla- absolutely. Bachelorette party- definitely. Bridesmaid sex change- maybe doesn't need to be brought up at work.

So that took up a lot of our lunch hour, discussing the ramifications of a sex change operation this stranger is going to have.

Last night The Boyfriend and I went over to the new apartment to clean it. The place was pretty filthy. I cleaned one window and the cloth was black. This was on the inside I cleaned some of the windows on the outside and they weren't nearly as dirty. Also, lesson learned- after you clean a window, sneeze away from it or you might have to redo some of your work. Just some hard earned wisdom I thought I'd pass along.

One more item of interest in the worst put together post in a long time (even that sentence is crap)- they fired someone this morning. Don't worry- no one good. That guy that was all "Spain's gonna win" right after he went with me to watch Holland beat Uruguay? When Spain hadn't even qualified for the final yet? Yeah, big loss right?

So why do I mention it if I'm glad I don't have to stare at his various football jerseys on Friday? Or his Spanish flag desktop picture? Or talk to him ever again? Because this situation is unusual, dare I say, a first for this office. They got rid of someone that was deserving of losing their job!

I'm not sure that this has ever happened here before. We keep a lot of dead weight. The temps are expendable, and even then, its hard to get rid of them. This guy? A real employee. With benefits and vacation days and everything. Guess who got him the job? His daddy. He thought he was untouchable and therein lay his downfall.

They actually had a meeting with the "team" about it this morning, letting everyone know that they terminated him. I missed the first one, but Amy told me about it privately (although I already knew because my spy Anna was in here early and basically witnessed it). I'm glad that they told everyone, even though its probably kind of unusual and awkward. But what with the layoffs, it could have induced widespread panic.

Oh man, Veronica needs to get a clue. I just heard the second "so-and-so has been terminated" meeting. Amy's all serious, lets them know if they have any questions to please ask her and then Veronica is all bright and cheery with "Have a great day everyone!"

What an a-hole.

And no we are not speaking yet.

The silence is nice.

Thursday! Two more sleeps until I move! And its weekend!

Hoarding

My morning started off with a discussion about the merits of a Kit-Kat cereal.

Its going to be one of those days. Fingers crossed.

Are we even sure that they don't already have a Kit-Kat cereal? Seems like something they would already have done no?

A nice thing happened to me the other day. It started by me doing a nice thing. A nice thing that had nothing to do with any electronic devices I own. Nathan had seen The Lion King the weekend before I went and his girlfriend had her eye on a Lion King towel but didn't buy it. So then she's all regretting it, lamenting the fact that she doesn't have this perfect beach towel for our lovely beach weather. When Nathan heard that I was going he asked if I wouldn't mind picking up a towel for him.

So being the awesome co-worker that I am, I did.

When I triumphantly returned to the office, towel in hand expecting him to fall at my feet in gratitude I was met with a decidedly flat reception.

I think I just stunned him- maybe he didn't think that I would actually do it. I was kind of disappointed. If you knew what it had been like standing at that merchandise counter, getting pushed aside by older women gunning for t-shirts and stuffed Simbas...you would be disappointed to not get a thank you too.

But I said that this was a good story.

The next morning there was an email waiting for me. A very nice thank you email. That included the offer to buy me lunch for doing that for him. Which was completely unnecessary because I'm happy to help people out. The thank you was really more than enough.

So there you have it. A "maybe people aren't complete a-holes" story for you on a Hump Day. I did say maybe though. I'm still not 100% convinced about it.

Yesterday afternoon I got to sit at my desk while Amy got laughed at for being a hoarder. She does have a lot of stuff on her desk- apparently she collects chocolate boxes. As in, the boxes that chocolates come in. Classic hoarder sign yes? Well I would still never bring it up with her. Mostly because we don't have that kind of relationship. But it was still fun to watch. Yeah, there's really not a lot more to this story, except that at the time I thought to myself yes, I will mention this in tomorrow's post and it will be hilarious.

Also, the person doing the laughing promised me to angle for a more casual dress code for the remainder of our time here since they are effectively firing most of us. Seriously, the accounting and IT departments (all 3 people) get to wear jeans whenever they want to, while the rest of us get dress code reminder emails. Last time I checked we all still worked for the same company...

If you are in the market for some more irritating corporate jargon, I might be able to help you out. Excellent examples no? I especially like the part where Ally comes up with solutions to these corporatespeak viruses. In general Ally is hilarious so if you don't follow her now and you end up following her, you're welcome.

Finally, today is Veronica's 3rd day back and I have yet to speak to her. She hasn't spoken to me, so I have elected to return the favour. I guess its my bad- I didn't fawn all over her trip enough. Because I actually don't care. I did hear that she went to at least one Holland game though. The semi-final. When they won. But she didn't care to keep the magic alive by going to the final. In summary- its Veronica's fault that Holland lost the World Cup.

Its so going on my list.

This a short post and I'm torn between adding to it and just leaving it here. If I add to it there is a good chance that it will be with the kind of stuff that no one cares to read (like this right here). But if I don't add to it, it will be short, a permanent eyesore out there on the internets, a flashing sign of my incompetence on this particular morning.

Meh, why mess with it? Most mornings are like this.

I Bought More Books

I got my ipod back yesterday. The battery was completely dead, but I got it back. I charged it last night and today its good as new. Sure its already frustrated me several times by playing Christmas music. And there seems to be a little too much Shaggy on it...but I have it back and thats all that matters.

All is right with the Universe.

More or less.

But now that Veronica is back and my ipod has been returned I am at a loss as to what I'm supposed to write about today.

So this probably means that what follows is a random collection of thoughts as I think them.

I'm not alone in my inability to think clear thoughts today. Anna has been at work for hours already and she's bored. So she's been looking into "This Day in History" kind of stuff. Bruce Lee died today in 1973. BC joined Confederation on this day in 1871. And of course July 20th was the day that Operation Valkyrie tried to assassinate Hitler in 1944. Did you see Valkyrie? With Tom Cruise? Don't judge it based on Tom Cruise, its actually pretty good. There's also a documentary about it thats amazing. Its really sad but worth checking out.

I had an overwhelming urge to buy books yesterday. I've been really good. Like really good about not buying books because we just bought an apartment (*sqealing noises!!*) and books are heavy to move. But yesterday I just couldn't hold out anymore. I made a deal with The Boyfriend- I had to get rid of half my Vogue magazines (they are art) but I could buy new books. It crushed me to have to do it- I love my Vogues. But my love of books won out.

I came out with So Much For That which promises to be very depressing- but its for a book club that my friend is starting. And this means I can cross "Join Book Club" off the bucket list. Not that I really have an official bucket list. Nonetheless, thats one less thing to do when I start one.

Don't judge my next selections. They are replacements. Harry Potters 5 and 6. I used to have them. But then my little brother and sisters read them, and the books became theirs. So replacements were required. Must re-read before the movie comes out in the fall (yes Anna, the fall, not 2 weeks from now like you had me believing in the lunchroom yesterday).

Finally, I was torn between Furious Love (about Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton) and a Coco Chanel biography so I did the only thing I could and went with the paperback. I will come back to Furious Love. There is no way I am not reading that.

Clearly the office is being boring. I blame this 100% on the fact that we know we only have a certain amount of days left (72). Have you ever worked in an office where you know you are being let go? Did you also already hate your job? Because thats whats happening here. We pretty well all already don't like it here. Knowing that we only have to put up with this, that we only need to hang on, do the minimum to get the severance, means that we spend a lot of our days bored out of our minds.

The boredom is complicated by the fact that we are not actually allowed to talk to each other, or look like we are having any kind of fun. So we sit and read about the Seven Wonders of the World, or German Shepherds, This Day in History, or famous dead people. Wikipedia becomes your friend, Google your ally. You hope for mind blowing news (thank you Mel and Lindsay), because it will give you something to think about besides the monotonous existence you currently find yourself in.

Also, someone just handed out Riesens. Is it too early to eat it now? Maybe this morning won't suck after all.

Painting, Pain and Veronica

Its back. Its standing at Amy's desk. Right now. Fawning over itself. Ignoring me.

I'm kind of OK with that. I really have no energy left to fawn over anyone, let alone someone that gets paid enough to take a once in a lifetime trip to South Africa for the World Cup, someone that didn't even know about Robben Island. Or Apartheid. I wonder if she learned anything.

Probably not.

So instead of dedicating a post to its return, how about we run through a Monday morning injury report?

Let's start with that time this morning when Anna was enjoying a healthy snack of carrots and dip. And I snuck up beside her and almost made her choke on it. That was good fun. She made a little tiny squealing noise right before she choked too. It was awesome.

This presented Anna with the opportunity to show me her bruised and broken-looking toe. Its pretty graphic. Apparently she was playing some game with a child and there was a door and a patio and running and she smashed her toe into the wall. I assume that there was drinking involved. If there wasn't, according to the new story, there was. This is what comes of trying to scare a child, Anna. Pain.

My injuries are two-fold.

I spent the weekend painting my pretty new apartment. I've painted before, many times, but never a whole apartment (more or less). Turns out I wasn't made for hard labour. I'm dainty. After the first day of painting my hands were swollen from holding the rollers, I couldn't grip anything and my legs! My legs! Were so stiff and sore, moving off the couch long enough to make some KD for dinner (which never tasted so good) was agony. The worst part was we still had to do a second coat.

The next day...oh the next day was hard. At first. Once we really got started we forgot about the pain. But we felt it when we finished. The pain was slightly less when we looked around at our new, freshly painted apartment. But still, it was there.

So then last night I went to go see The Lion King. Which was amazing. There are not enough superlatives to describe the mind-blowing awesomeness that is The Lion King on stage. Anyway, I wore heels. I wore heels, not understanding that there would be some walking around before the show. You know how you have fancy shoes for dancing and fancy shoes for dinner things where you will mostly be sitting? I wore mostly sitting kind of shoes.

And then was forced to walk. I think I held up pretty well. But this morning my battered, crippled feet disagree with me.

Naturally I put on heels for work too.

Naturally.

This morning I'm still really sore from the painting (its all the convoluted positions you find yourself in to reach those corners). On the bus down the hill, when the bus was shaking like mad, my thighs were crying.

Pathetic aren't I?

So now you know the physical state I'm in and why I can't bring myself to act like I care that Veronica's back.

We got another email sometime late last week about dress code. About how just because its summer doesn't mean that we can relax on the business casual dress code. How we're lucky we even got that since the new company had wanted us all to be full business.

Which brings me to a F*ck You . I'm not sure if the executive team realizes this but you're laying pretty much all of us off. Which means that thanks to you we will not have jobs. Sure, most of us don't like our jobs, but you have taken away the opportunity to leave on our own terms. So how about you take your dress code and shove it up your a$$? I'm sure that Amy was forced to send the email because of something the executive team said to her- God knows that Veronica loves to lord around the place in flip flops- but that she still doesn't have the backbone to stand up to them and say "You know what? Its summer, the air conditioning barely works, and they will only be here for another 2 months, can we cut them some slack?" really gets to me.

I wish that you all could be here to witness all the fawning over Veronica. Its like the prodigal son has returned. I'm hearing things like "On a scale of 1 to 10 how awesome was it?" "15 million!" and "OMG you're baaaaaaaaack! How was it!?" and "They use elephants to find the fruits" or "They don't wear dashikis there". I thought that I had mentally prepared myself for all the story-telling and the falling all over each other to get to her first, but I so wasn't. Its so much worse than I ever could have imagined it would be.

It fancies itself an expert on South Africa now. Probably celebrated Nelson Mandela Day yesterday. Watched Louis Oosthuizen win the British Open yesterday (although seriously, how fantastic was it that he won on Nelson Mandela Day? Pretty good time to be South African! Especially now that Veronica has left the country).

She does sound like she has a cold, which is great. Probably caught it from stale, recycled airplane air. But it doesn't sound like malaria...

I could drown this out if only I had my ipod back.

The Waiting Game

I'm coming to you (sort of) live from my apartment today. Not the shiny new one, the crappy old cave-like one I've been forced to live in for 2 years, but even a cave-like home beats the Cubicle I should be sitting in.

We are actually waiting to get the keys this morning which is why I didn't go to work. The whole apartment-buying process went so smoothly that if this is the only hiccup we encounter, I'm pretty sure we're not allowed to complain. Basically the sellers waited to empty their apartment until this week, were still in there late last night cleaning (have I mentioned that we live across the street from our new place and can see it from our balcony?) and this morning they are getting someone in to fix the stuff that we need fixed as per the contract.

This morning.

Really?

Anyway, I found this out at about 2.30 yesterday. So I had to ask Amy if I could start later or take the day off. I felt bad because it was last minute and I had already asked to work an adjusted schedule that started at 6 (she had already loaded me up with work for the morning) and now I was effectively bailing.


Amy must be getting laid or something because she told me to just take the day off, that I have lots of vacation days and it wasn't a big deal.

I know.

Lest I leave you hanging on the ipod Bandit front, here is what happened.

I spent a good chunk of the morning mulling over all your words of wisdom, actually walked up to her a couple of times before turning back to my own desk. Finally Gloria emailed me telling me to just f*cking do it already. So I did.

The ipod Bandit glared at me (looked up innocently) and in a growly voice asked me what the hell I wanted (brightly said "Hey! What's up!") so I nervously asked about my ipod (that part's true, I felt really awkward).

An evil little smirk crossed her face (she blanched), gave a little chuckle (a nervous chuckle) and said my ipod was gone ("omg can I tell you something? I was charging it and left it at home!").

I was completely deflated. After Gloria had told me that she is the a-hole for keeping my ipod for 3 weeks I was now confronted with a truly contrite ipod Bandit. Then she carried on by telling me that she knows she kept it for a long time but she just loved my music, such a good mix of everything.

Since I'm often mocked for my "taste" in music (books I'm flawless, music...I have a Miley Cyrus song...) this was refreshing and I was quick to forgive her for keeping my ipod for 3 weeks while I drained my iphone battery every day.

Of course, if she does bring it in today I won't be there. So. It will probably be 4 weeks before I get it back.

Not a success then. But at least she was charging it. That was decent of her. I mean, there's no way the battery would last for 3 weeks but at least she was sort of taking care of it.

Did I mention that the fridge in our old place needed to be fixed today? Of all days, today it needs to be fixed. Guess who was supposed to be here at 8.30. Guess who we're still waiting for.

I hate waiting for people. I feel like I'm always waiting for someone. If you take away one thing from this blog today, please let it be "punctuality is important".

I'm off. Shiny new apartment awaits.

Yay apartment!!!!!!!!!!!!

What Just Happened?

The weirdest thing happened yesterday. Totally unexpected, completely unheard of. I never thought that I would live to see the day.

Amy acted like a human being.

There have been about a dozen new people up here training before they go out to the branches to work. And yesterday the trainers wanted our department to sit with them and go over one of the old systems that they would be working with. So the trainees are being released for lunch from 12-1 and then they will come and sit with us for an hour.

Problem: in an effort to split the day up into workable portions (ie we don't spend our time fantasizing about ending it all, winning the lottery, or living the glamourous life of a hobo) a lot of us take our lunches at 1.30. We offered to go later, it was just a half hour. When we return then at 3 we only have a little while left to get through.

This is where Amy surprised all of us. It was a good thing I was sitting down.

Well you could also skip your lunch and your last break and just take off an hour and 15 minutes earlier. Its up to you.

Could you please repeat what you just said? Am I hallucinating? Has it finally happened- I've lost my mind?

She was serious. She was accomodating. There were no strings attached. She was being...flexible.

I know, I'm still recovering too.

Naturally I jumped at the chance. I got home an hour earlier. It was awesome.

What did I do with my time?

Well I hadn't eaten my lunch so first I had a cheese sandwich. Then I told The Boyfriend I was starving so he made dinner earlier. So good. Then we watched a movie, spied on our new apartment, went for a walk, he let me watch some Say Yes To The Dress and then I went to bed.

I too think that I used the time wisely.

Given her recent flexibility I feel kind of bad that there is a chance that I will have to ask to work an adjusted schedule again tomorrow. If we don't get the keys to our new place tonight then we will get them tomorrow but it will probably be earlier than 5. I know she hates when we work adjusted schedules, but she is still getting the same amount of work time out of us. Actually I feel like I work harder because early in the morning there is no one here to bother me.

I just don't want to push my luck. And I know she doesn't see working an adjusted schedule the same way that I do.

We have a Sniffy McSniff-a-lot in the office this morning. Nathan. If he keeps it up I'm going to have to hurt him. Its so irritating when all you can hear is a person sucking back the snot that's running out of their nose. You're welcome for that visual. Remember when you used to write exams and inevitably there was that one person that was sick and they spent the entire 3 hours sniffing and you wanted to take your sharpened number 2 pencil and ram it up their nose?

Just me?

Well I hated it then and I hate it now. Go to the washroom and blow your nose.

Guess what? Veronica lands back in the country tomorrow! We are all so excited. Like can barely stand it. You know there is a good chance she will pop in the office on Friday because she was "in the neighbourhood". Good thing I had the foresight to take Friday off. You guys are so excited for next week when she returns, a vuvuzela in hand, new pictures for her desktop and just filled with all kinds of South Africa adventure stories. Will keep you posted.

That's all for me today. Still haven't talked to the ipod bandit. Probably should do that today eh?

Three Weeks Later...

A plate of cookies has ended up on my desk. Fresh, home-made oatmeal chocolate chip cookies have ended up on my desk. If they are not removed, I will make them all disappear.

(By eating them if that insinuation wasn't clear enough)

I guess in the grand scheme of things having a plate of delicious sitting on your desk isn't really a problem. Its kind of a problem because I have no will power but its not a real problem I suppose. I just thought you would like to know.

Remember when I did that nice thing by lending my ipod to that girl that forgot hers? So that she would be able to carry on with her day listening to the sweet, sweet sounds of 90s one hit wonders? I know, I'm too good.

Well that was 3 weeks ago and she still has it.

What's that saying? No good deed goes unpunished.

And now I have the desire to listen to the Wicked soundtrack. You know what I'm talking about? You rock.

I am not a confrontational person. I hate conflict. I pretty well have to be cornered to discuss anything serious. But once cornered, I don't back down. Well, as non-back-down-y as a person can be when their hands are shaky, their heart is racing and breathing becomes somewhat laboured.

Like I said, not confrontational.

But I need my ipod back. I don't want to be an a-hole about it (even though she is kind of being an a-hole, keeping my ipod for 3 weeks) but I don't really know how to go about this. So I have come up with some strategies and I need your advice.

1. I go up to her and just ask her if I can have my ipod back because listening to music on my iphone is killing my batteries. And also, there isn't a lot of music variety on my iphone (500+ vs 1900+). One can only listen to so much Glee you know? This method seems really straightforward though, and the possibility for misunderstanding seems small, so I'm not sure that this will really work out that well for me.

2. I steal it back. I have noticed that sometimes she leaves it lying on her desk when she isn't there (what's that about!? Is that your ipod that you are being careless with? No. Its mine! Smarten up!) so I could just casually walk by and pocket it? I don't know if she would then confess to me that it was lost...because that could lead to some awkward moments where I tell her that actually I stole it because I was in Aqua withdrawal.

3. I send her an email/leave her a post-it asking for it back. This appeals to me because it seems like its the most passive aggressive. When she returns it to me I can be all "no! It wasn't a big deal, I just got tired of listening to musicals hahaha" (which would probably never happen- the tired of musicals part. I would totally act nonchalant about it, that's why this plan is so perfect).

Those are my 3 options. I also came up with "Leave it alone" which works on the assumption that at some point she will in fact, return it of her own accord. But mostly I think that she won't. And I would like it back. It was supposed to be a one day thing.

Like this isn't enough to worry about (free cookies AND my ipod? Too much reality for one day) John has just walked into the f*cking office. Why is he here? Not that I'm not excited to hear the sound of his voice this morning, or the his dumba$$ laughter emanating from the executive side of the office, but...damn it he just made me eat another cookie! He's such a life ruiner!

I thought it couldn't get worse. But I would be wrong. Because Turd Furguson is here too. Monday was so much better than this.

While John has decided to hire his friends and partner, Turd is taking on his sister and his wife (for those of you new to the blog, Amy is Turd's sister. And Turd is exactly that, a turd). September 30th can't come fast enough.

Just 79 days to go! We're in the 70s now Anna! So much progress has been made.