Shattering Office Zen

For the past 2 or 3 days, I have been as busy as a bee. I have been processing like a madwoman, fixing mistakes, closing up gaps, getting s**t done. It has even made time go by somewhat more quickly. I have felt productive.

I should have known that my state of office zen was only a momentary blip on the radar.

Amy is in a good mood today. She must be feeling better. Or she hit a child with her car on the way in to work. But she seems in fine spirits. Which should mean that she is back to being on top of things.

But she isn't. Yesterday I discovered huge gaps in things that should have been completed that weren't. It sounds vague because this is all kind of anonymous and I can't really share the details. Although, I'm not sure that it would make a difference. When I tell The Boyfriend the specifics, his eyes kind of glaze over. I'm not offended. I work here all day, I know its dull.

So anyway, I found these date gaps and told Amy to run it by her and let her have some semblance of control. I made it sound like less of a big deal because I didn't want Anna to get in trouble (her name was attached to a whack of them but because she is constantly getting pulled off her duties to do something else "more urgent" it wasn't her fault at all. I didn't think that Amy would see it that way in her desperation to pin the blame elsewhere) and offered to take care of it.

Amy was visibly relieved.

I would be too if my minion totally saved the day. And my a**.

There I am, contentedly plugging away, making progress, feeling good about my contribution to the efforts of the team.

Then this morning Maurice spoke. Apparently he had been looking at the same list and noticed that I was doing the same thing as him. Turns out he had been assigned another job. Still only one at a time, but this is some kind of progress right? He turns to me and says:

"Hey. Are you looking at the list?"
Me: "yes"
Maurice: "For the 17th?"
Me: "yes"
Maurice: "Oh OK, if you are going to do that, then I have other things I could be doing"
Me: "Well I'm only doing this because it was missed in the first place. If you have been assigned them then I can go back to my own list and sort all the other ones out"
Maurice: "No no, that's OK. Don't worry about it. Carry on."

Me: "??????????????????????"

What just happened? Did I just get told to carry on? By Maurice??? Are you kidding me???

In case you are wondering, I have carried on. Mostly because I am still too stunned at being told what to do by Maurice. I have no response to that. How does one respond to being told to carry on by the office dunce?

And let's not forget about the bigger issue here. When Amy came around this morning we discussed what I was going to do. And I told her that I was planning on finishing the 17th. And she said that that was great. After that, I was lost in my work and didn't do enough eavesdropping. But evidently she turned around and told Maurice the same thing? Or that's what he got out of it.

How is she so out of the loop that she is unaware of what 2 people sharing a workspace are doing?

As an added bonus, I'm fairly certain that once Amy realizes her mistake (sorry, our mistake) she will have a chat with us about not having come to her to work it out. Making your own decisions is a no-no in the Cubicle Kingdom.

All I have to say about that is that its Friday. I can't care anymore. All my caring was used up. Not that there was very much to begin with. I do get to wear my jeans today and that always helps to take the sting out. Oh and you know what? We get to have a cleaning party this afternoon! I'm a firm believer that if you attach the word "Party" to anything it instantly becomes more fun. Cleaning Party? Awesome, I'm there. Study Party? I'll bring the dip! Moving Party? I've saved the date!

A cleaning party in the afternoon of a Friday? You know that that is going to be a Prime Waste of Time (I love it when I rhyme).

I can't wait.

Happy Weekend everyone!

The Office Warrior

This morning my internal clock woke me up at 4.31am. Just so that I could open my eyes, look at the clock, note the time and congratulate myself that, thank God it was Saturday.

Those of you that aren't delirious with sleep will of course know that it is not Saturday, that we are still 2 days away from Saturday.

Strike one.

A couple of hours later, I get out of bed, slightly unbalanced (for someone like me that is balance challenged, those first few steps can be precarious, kind of like you are slightly drunk. drunk with sleep). I followed the line of the bed, walked out the bedroom door right into the open closet door. I had a fight with said closet door, loudly slamming it back in its place. I'm sure I woke The Boyfriend (he has since e-mailed me telling me he heard my "fight with the closet") but at that point I was trying to sooth the rage that was already bubbling inside me. It was only 6.45 and already rage was bubbling.

Strike two.

I got overcharged for my tea misto yesterday and then made to wait as they realized that I said earl grey tea misto, not vanilla latte. No free drink though. Because I'm actually nice in my real life. Walked back to the office with Anna, who was bewildered because whenever that happens to her she gets a coupon for a free drink. This morning Anna got a coupon for a free drink at Starbucks.

Strike three.

Any sane person would have called it a day, but I am a glutton for punishment. Mostly I don't want to go all the way home again and then have schlep my stuff all the way back and then some to go to my Dutch class tonight.

So here I am, an office warrior.

And Anna sacrificed her free drink for me. Said I needed it more. And I do really appreciate that.

And if I had gone home, I would have missed the following.

I needed to go find John because he left out kind of an important step on this new project of ours. I found him talking to a co-worker who works part time (because he is in school full time). John was saying that the guy would need to start sharing his workspace because we have so many people here and we don't want to start "putting peope in the hall" (Oh John, you're hilarious). And that he would have to disinfect his workspace at the end of every day. I understand that there is flu going around. But telling someone to disinfect their workspace seems unduly harsh. Maybe let him know that he could wipe it down when he came in in the morning- insinuating that you think the other person is diseased. Or make it a policy for everyone.

Oh and I most certainly wanted to tell you about the showdown yesterday. Just another example of how messed up my office is. No big deal.

Basically because we're going through a changeover, processes are changing and evolving every single day. Its impossible to keep it all straight. And inevitably, as soon as you get used to one process, it changes. For the average bear this is a lot to take in and work with.

For Maurice, its basically a death knell.

Maurice really only has one duty. And they changed his process yesterday. And he made the mistake of doing the opposite one time. And Amy, who has been sick and therefore more stone faced than usual, came over yesterday afternoon and started berating him. I think she probably intended to just remind him about it but he became defensive and she kind of lost it a little bit. So I am sitting with my back to them and their voices are getting louder (I'm pretty damn uncomfortable, I mean Maurice is not my favourite person, but like when my brother got in trouble in front of me, the rage could get directed at me at any time!), Amy telling him that he should know better, that he has one job and she should be able to count on him to do it and do it 100% properly and Maurice countering that he was only told about it the day before and he made one mistake. It probably would have been over a lot sooner but Maurice kept fighting it. Amy was really ticked off.

Probably not appropriate to rip someone a new one in front of their co-workers.

It gets better though.

Right near the end, Veronica, who sits on the other side of the wall in a pod of 4 people, suddenly realizes what's going on and yells "oooooooo Maurice is getting in trouble!". She's totally delighted and says it loud enough for the whole office to stop and listen. So if you hadn't been aware of it before then, you certainly became aware.

I can't make this stuff up!

I hope it doesn't get any worse because I have 2 packages of my favourite Dutch treat in my bag (little iced cakes) and if it gets any worse my Dutch class isn't going to get any of them.

What is the Deal?

I received a very nice compliment this morning. The woman on the other side of the wall told me that I remind of her of House . You know? House MD? Hugh Laurie. Of course you know. Anyway, it was nice to start the day with a compliment. Because Hugh Laurie is like the gold standard of sarcasm.

The rest of the morning has been a...challenge. And if you have been reading for a while, you know that I dislike that word. And if you are new, I dislike it because it was my former King-of-the-D-bags-manager's favourite word. But I can't think of anything else in my heightened state of disgust.

Before I had had any caffeine (OK that's not a totally fair start--I almost never drink coffee and occasionally have tea in the morning)...Before I had any time to wrap my head around another day at the office, John popped by. All of this popping by really cramps my Internet time. I have to be on high alert all the time. Apparently, without my being completely aware of it, we are now working on some kind of project. Together. We have the same goal. In a way. But while he was the "brains" (I use the term loosely) behind the operation, I'm the one that gets to do all the work. I loves me some Cubicle today.

Do you know what John has managed to do? He has somehow managed to take all the words out of my job. Everything that I was doing he has now turned into a sequence of numbered codes. The better for him to run his reports I guess. But for someone who values the presence of letters, words and sentences in her daily life, this is nothing short of catastrophic. I mean, I quit math after Grade 11 for a reason. I'm rubbish with numbers. And now my whole job, which really had no meaning to begin with, has been reduced to a series of numbers.

So he came by and explained how it was all going to work. And then he got Turd Furgason to come by and explain the rest. Turns out that besides being a tool, Turd also smells. Halitosis. I feel like in the 21st century we are all kind of aware of this and, as a social courtesy, know that there are things that you can do to reduce it. Some of the things that come to mind? Brushing your tongue. Oh and mints or gum maybe? Just off the top of my head, I mean I'm not doctor or anything...There I am listening to Turd drone on and on and on and all I can think about is avoiding his breathing in my face. But he's literally sitting over me, in perfect position to exhale in my face. Dis.Gusting.

He also has no idea what it is that I actually do here. And as much as I love being spoken to like I'm a moron...there is only so much of him I can take. I did my best to look like everything made perfect sense, took the literature (words are words right? no. so wrong. there is nothing awesome about this "literature" at all) and hope I'll be able to figure it out when he leaves. I'm sure I will. Turd is not that smart. It can't be that hard.

I sure hope that I get lots of follow up emails from him.

Now, a story that should prove to you that I am in fact a total a-hole. I'm sure you will disagree Mom (maybe you won't), but some days, I am a total a-hole. I'm strangely OK with that. So there was this new girl that started last week. The really good looking one? She started last week and then was away Monday and Tuesday this week. She comes in today, very nicely dressed with these HUGE movie star sunglasses. Now, the last time I checked it was November and the sun definitely isn't shining. And if it was, it probably wouldn't be shining inside. So I'm totally ready to mock her (not to her face) a little and wonder what the hell is going on. I might have mentioned it to Anna. She agreed, but more so that it was strange. She didn't go full a-hole.

Turns out she was away because she got laser eye surgery.

The glasses are mandatory.

Whoops.

I can't be on all the time you know?

Consolations? My nails look great (OPI's Merry Midnight) and I think there might be Starbucks in my future (I love that I say might like its not my decision to make). Those of you that are groaning at this choice, sighing about how I should patronize a Mom and Pop shop should know that no one makes a grande vanilla earl grey tea misto quite like Starbucks does. It must be the crack they add. Also, I found a new blog that makes me laugh like no other, and although I have never done this, I think you will find My Masonic Apron hilarious too. Unless you are easily offended. And then...what are you doing here?

Office Politics 101

I have been working in this office for almost 2 years (I am so ashamed of myself) and offices in general for about 4 years now. I have a wealth of experience for new employers to pull from. But mostly, I have observations to share with you. Yesterday, in passing, Anna inadvertantly stumbled on today's topic.

We were innocently chatting (on our office messenger) trying to kill time at the end of the day. Honestly, we were probably whining about something else F-ed up that happened. Could have been anything: how Maurice messed up my printer mojo yesterday by touching things he shouldn't, how Lily was suddenly a convert to Passing the Buck, maybe even how John decided to say "hey" because "we hadn't talked in a while" (you know what John? We have nothing to discuss. You are no longer my boss, you and I have nothing in common, I basically find you repulsive in every way, get the hint and leave me alone). Like I said, it might have been anything. Then it happened. Anna opened her mouth (typed some words) and poured forth the gem: Office Politics 101.

And it evolved from there into a sort of list of office Commandments (we came up with 10 things).

Because I'm a sharer (read: imparter of wisdom) I have compiled the list, fine tuned it and am now posting it here. Obviously this was a long, complicated process, spanning several months of intensive research and experimentation. It could never be something that I just threw together. That would be embarassing.

In no particular order of importance, I give you your first lesson in Office Politics 101. Take notes, people, there will be a quiz on this. But not really. I don't have time to mark that.

1. The more money you make, the less actual work you do. (Enough said).

2. The louder you are, the more important you are (Or the more important you perceive yourself to be).

3. Emails are an effective way to passive aggressively micro-manage your team. Are people not hand washing enough? Let the m know with an email. Is there one person on the team not pulling their weight? Send out a mass email clearly outlining the problem but no names! Leaving out names will cause people to speculate amongst themselves. Too much work? Send out a mass email letting everyone know what targets they are supposed to be hitting.

4. Criticism and withholding rewards are an effective way of getting things done. If you are behind schedule due to your own lack of efficient management, pull people aside and place some of the blame on their lack of production. If you have someone asking for a raise (how impertinent! Cost of living? Not part of your vocabulary) let them know that they would have been eligible had their production been better. This will quash the subject and force the employee in question to work harder. Everybody wins.

5. Flexibility is a sign of weakness. Dress codes are set in stone. Doctor's appointments are to be scheduled on your own time. Flex hours are not permissable.

6. Dress codes do not apply to superiors. Flip flops in November are the perfect showcase for your newly pedicured feet. Pedicures paid for by your increasing-yearly salary.

7. Flex hours are an excellent way to get things done as a Manager/Supervisor. They allow you to rearrange your own schedule conveniently and get things done when no one else is around.

8. Passing the Buck shows that you are ready for a promotion. See Rule 1. If you are at the stage in your career where you are already passing the buck, being too busy and important to even do the work that is assigned, you are ready for bigger and better!

9. When you are the Boss a large amount of your day will be spent watching and reprimanding your staff for inocuous socializing. You don't want them getting the idea that work is fun. However when your lurking time is over, feel free to destroy personal relationships, plan cruises where you run into an ex and his new husband. Things of that nature.

10. Friends and significant others have no business being in the workplace. If they are picking staff up, they can wait downstairs. However, if you are a supervisor, your boyfriend is allowed to pop in for a juice box, or to bring by some carnations. Friends needing help with school projects are also OK- make sure to book a meeting room. Finally, personal phone calls are expected and encouraged. If you are a supervisor.

There you go Folks, a list of rules to follow if you want to get ahead. If you are not currently the boss, make sure that you do all the opposite things. Until you get to that Passing the Buck level.

Also, in gratitude for faithful reading (and address sending) an official Cubicle shout out to my friend Angela in Madrid. Hopefully you are no longer subjected to the whims of an ornary and stupid supervisor. And a big Congratulations to Claire, the inspiration behind the blog, for quitting her own personal Cubicle-like hell. When you stop hyperventilating I know you will see that you made the right choice!!!!

Thanks for reading!

A Cubicle Funk

So after 5 glorious days away, I am back. For those of you that are curious about what a cubicle dweller does with her days of freedom I read, went away for a night, drank some (more than I probably should have really), went to a hockey game, watched a hockey game and a football game, went shopping, and there was also some drinking (I think its warranted to mention it twice).

And I had almost managed to forget how much I hate this place. Its your mind's way of protecting you. That old saying: Absence makes the heart grow fonder (I'm a sucker for cliches)? Its a saying because its true. For whatever reason, when I'm away from here I manage to forget all the horses**t and convince myself that its not so bad. I sit in front of a computer all day, it could go by faster if I was just concentrating. Right?

But I would be wrong. Because in my delirious happiness at not being in the office I glazed over the grating irritant that is Veronica's voice, managed to blur out the cold steel of Amy's icy stare, and completely denied the existence of a certain grinning fool named John.

And although igorance is bliss, there really is nothing like a Monday morning to bring it all rushing clearly back.

And Dustin is gone. The lucky boy has managed to free himself from the grasping tentacles of this cubicle kingdom. I miss him though. Although he did leave me a very nice note (I hope so Dustin, I hope so). In fact his note got me thinking and was the inspiration behind this post. So thank you Dustin.

I obviously need a new job. I spend my weekends fantasizing about what it would be like to come into work on a Monday and not want to slice your wrists. I take the bus in the mornings and look at the other people and wonder what their jobs are and if they like them. I wonder what it would be like to work in a creative and warm work environment (this comes from staring into other people's work space...I love this time of year, it makes it so much easier to see everything through an open window...I mean, in my mind's eye...).

But when I sit and really think about how to go about getting this new magical job, I stall. See the last two jobs I have heard about and gotten from knowing someone that already worked here. And the ones before that were as a gym receptionist and a cashier at an arts and crafts megastore- the kinds of jobs that are listed in the newspaper or on a bulletin outside the store asking for applicants.

Somehow, I don't think that that is how it works anymore.

Which is a shame, because I was really good at that.

I don't know anyone in the industry that I want to be in. I look at job postings on industry magazine's websites but so far they only have jobs on the east coast (and I'm not willing to relocate). I subscribe to industry magazines but for about a year now all the articles have been about how the economy seems to be hitting the industry hardest. I don't trust Craigslist- I feel like I will apply for a job, go for an interview in a fake office and end up selling myself into some kind of white slavery. Or end up in a different version of this. Which would kind of defeat the purpose.

So I'm kind of lost as to how to go about this. I'm not sure what good a degree is if they don't show you how to get a job to use it. I remember one time, when I was in university, going to the liquor store and using my student card as ID and the girl that was working there was like "Oh I went to that school, what are you studying?" and I told her Communications and she was like "Oh wow, I just got my degree in Communications!" I remember being kind of dumbfounded that she had a degree but she was working in a liquor store. And look at me today. I might as well be working in a liquor store. Actually I think the government liquor store employees get paid pretty decently.

Yes folks, I'm in a cubicle funk. But one day I will look back at all of this and laugh. Especially if I pull a Julie Powell and all of this gets turned into a book, and then a movie starring Meryl Streep.

But I guess until then, I will continue to beg for followers, stare into other people's windows and gripe about what a truly heinous cubicle life this can be.

PollyAnna Tribute

While trying to come up with something for today (because of yesterday's lacklustre performance there was more pressure) I realized that today is my Friday. My Friday. I was talking to Anna about my inability to come up with something to write. Again. And because she has a one track mind, Anna told me that it was our Friday. That we don't have to come back to work for 5 whole days. So I guess we're both on the same page today.

Anyway, it got me thinking (don't worry, I took the necessary safety precautions). Today being my Friday, when it is in fact a Tuesday, is a positive thing. This is good news. I just have to get through today. That's it. I can totally do that right?

So I decided that today's post would be positive for a change. Don't worry- by Monday morning I will be back to my cantankerous old self. But for today, I'm Polly-f**king-Anna!

Almost. Let's not go crazy. After all, my positive and someone else'se positive are probably really different.

For example, the first positive thing is that I don't have to deal with Veronica's bulls**t for the next 5 days. I don't have to listen to her point out other people's errors in a voice loud enough for a stage production. I don't have to watch her waddle around in flip flops in November. Or admire her manicure (she has coloured tips. I'm sorry- I think that looks cheap). Or her pedicure. I don't have to listen to comments like "Its funny that I come in later than you but get to leave earlier". Or watch her have 2 slider burgers from a local fast food place as an appetizer to the lunch her mom made her. I don't have to see her bra poking out of her plunging necklines or hear about her friends' babies. I don't have to deal with her at all. For 5 glorious days.

The next positive hits closer to home. Well to my cubicle home anyway. Maurice. I don't have to deal with his attempts at being social. There will be no vocabulary lessons , or pithy dialogue. Of course, into every life a little rain must fall and there is a good chance that he will wear my favourite lime green shirt while I am away, but I think that its a chance I'm willing to take. The next 5 days will be Maurice-free and that is A-OK with me!

John has returned from his ocean adventure/swine flu outbreak. Which means that he can currently be found lurking around corners, spying on everyone and generally stirring up the pot. I don't think he has done any work since his return (although there is a rumour that he was responsible for the permanent hiring of the Temps last week. He probably was since they will now be earning less than before) and just his presence irks me. So the next 5 days will also be free of John and his life coach lectures. No lame jokes or short shirt sleeves. No sh*t eating grin to stalk my working hours. Just peace.

So it seems that so far my positives have all been about the people that I don't have to deal with. Let's shake it up a bit. The next positive thing about being away from the office for 5 days is...no archaic computers to contend with! I cannot begin to describe the frustration this morning (and most mornings) when my computer stubbornly refused to print, instead freezing up and taunting me with its unwillingness to finish the task. PC's suck. That's really all there is to it. The sooner the world makes Macs the norm, the happier and more productive we all shall be.

I just thought of another most excellent positive about my impending vacation: no commute. I don't have to drag my butt out of bed on cold rainy mornings, fight with my umbrella on the way to the bus while icy wind attacks my face and hands (I need a hat. And gloves). I don't have to deal with a bus driver who is kind of a b***h. She will totally call you out on the bus if you didn't pay enough, or if you walked in front of the bus. If people won't shuffle down the bus, she won't move either. Most let it go. Not her.You gotta admire her guts, but she's liable to get killed. And in the morning, I just don't want to hear it. I also don't have to sit beside large, smelly people, or loud cell phone talkers, or those that have no concept of personal space. If I'm taking the bus at all in the next 5 days, it will be because I am drunk. Safety first.

Of course before all of these wonderful things happen, I have to get through today. And since it is still really early (I haven't even been here for 2 hours yet) I'm fairly certain that it's going to be a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong day. But when it's done....oh man will it have been worth it.

Hope you all survive the rest of the week! I'll be back on Monday!

Brain Bust

I didn't win the lottery. So depressing.

And nothing has really happened in the office that will make for a funny, interesting or heart racing post (I guess heart racing isn't really appropriate terminology since I talk about work in a cubicle). How tragic is that? I will tell you how tragic it is: Very.

Plus, it is making time stand virtually still. Sure it moves, but I don't see it. It's like Santa. You know he's out there, but you have yet to find any actual proof.

Normally I am a pretty excellent BS-er. I like to joke that I got my degree in BS. I mean Communications? Please. I swear that the only purpose of writing papers for my classes was to see how well I was able to make things up and sound like I knew what I was talking about.

But blogging is different. Blogging matters. I feel like I need to think of something interesting and witty to say before I send it out in the blogosphere to be read and judged. I like to think that some days I even succeed in this. But most days, I admit, I struggle to pull something out of my a** that strikes the fine balance between being funny, yet poignant, and kind of offensive but not enough for hate mail.

And this week, because nothing will happen and because I am only here for 2 days before a little well deserved rest, this bloggers'-block is really making me mental. Well, more mental than normal.

I guess I could write about the 2 new people that started this morning. But not particularly caring about them, I choose not to. I mean, I could write about how the new girl is gorgeous and how Dustin is training her which we all find hilarious because Dustin usually ogles the pretties from afar but now she's sitting next to him all day. I admit, I enjoy the harassment I get to participate in. I actually used messenger to send him a message about her, not knowing that she was sitting beside him. It embarassed him no end (success!) but I guess now I will have to explain myself should the new girl and I ever actually talk.

Or I could pull out another random (can we take a minute to talk about how much I dislike the word random?? I think it stems from overuse of Facecrack and all the a-holes that post albums with names like "Random Summer Shots" or "Random Album". Does it take so much time for you to stop, think of a theme, a play on words or something interesting to christen your album with??) attack of my thought process. But I feel like if I overuse that, it gets old fast. And my 7 followers (I know it says 6, but believe me there are a whole 7. Lucky 7? I hope so!) will abandon me for more interesting cubicles.

This is kind of reminding me of that Ellen Degeneres HBO special, where she talks about procrastinating and does her whole routine going from one crazy topic to another, seemingly totally unrelated until at the end she amazingly ties it all together by going back to procrastination.

I can promise you that that won't happen here. I'm not that good.

I'm just sitting silently in my cubicle, no thoughts running around in my head. At all.

I just want this day to end so that I only have one more to get through!!!!

My sincerest apologies to all of you. This was lame. It almost would have been better to have left it alone. But since there will probably only be 2 posts this week...I felt like I couldnt do that.

Please come back tomorrow and I will have prepared something better.

Hope you get through your monday ok!

PS: If you haven't already done so, please vote on my poll on the top...right hand corner (I don't know my right and left, I had to take a minute to figure it out). There are no prizes and it doesn't accomplish anything but I think its fun.