Monday, February 28, 2011

I Think Mondays Are Out To Get Me...

...I'm not sure how this vendetta between Monday and I started but I think Monday has had the upper hand for long enough.

Does anyone like Mondays? I mean out of the people that actually work on Mondays, not those blessed to start their work weeks on Tuesdays (and I don't care if that means you work Saturdays. Mentally, having Mondays off, is a huge advantage). No right? So why is Monday taking this out on just me?

It probably isn't, but that's totally what it felt like today.

It snowed a lot out here this weekend. Which means that the city grinds to a halt, we panic on the roads and we become a national laughing stock. Totally OK with all of that because it was a weekend and I was cozy at home with the opportunity to go out for a snow trek while it was still snowing. The Boyfriend and I engaged in some snow ball fights, made snow angels and wished that we already had our puppy (we put down a deposit last weekend!!! We will go back and choose him in about a month. He's a little tiny German Shepherd baby dog right now) so that we could watch him jump around in gloriously fresh snow.

By the time all our snow time fun was over, I was exhausted. But I still had the big awards show to watch and judge. Solution close at hand: vodka red bull. Just one at 3:30 to wake me up enough to watch the Oscars.

Bad decision. Not bad because I was drinking at 3:30. Bad because I didn't go with rum and coke.

Yes I made it all the way through the show no problem. But when it was finally time to go to bed and sleep? No dice. I spent the better part of the night in that horrible place between waking and sleep, hallucinating about Academy Award nominees.

Clearly I dozed off at some point (had to be after 2:43 when I last recall looking at the clock) because when my alarm went off at 6am, it woke me up. With a sore throat. Awesome. Possum.

At least it hadn't snowed anymore over night so the roads were clear.

Turns out that 'clear' is relative. The sidewalks had most of the snow removed from them, true. But the salting part of the process? Neglected. Which meant that that fine layer of snow that was left in the wake of the snow shovel, that had been compacted by the tramping of hundreds, perhaps thousands of well shod winter feet and then frozen in the sub-zero temps of the overnight period? Was lying in wait for me this morning.

I congratulated myself on navigating that normally tricky part of the path where I fell last year. Thought I was in the clear. All of a sudden my legs were flying out in front of me and and before I knew it I was lying on the icy path. My hat flew from my head on impact (I don't think that I did hit my head though) and I landed on my a$$ hard. A woman saw me and must not be from around here because she actually came over to see if I was OK rather than let me die in the slushy gutter.

Monday wasn't even finished with me. The underwire in my bra broke. I tried to MacGyver it by sticking some paper towel on the end of the wire digging into my flesh while I was sitting at my desk (because I only get to leave 3 times a day for a break and there was no way I was waiting til my lunch to deal with this) and I'm pretty sure someone saw me. It basically looked like I was stuffing my bra.

You know what? By that point, so beyond caring.

There's a lot of chocolate in my purse now. I dare you to try and take some away from me.

The good news is that Monday only comes once a week and tomorrow, being Tuesday, will be as far as I can be from a Monday. That and did you read the part about me getting a puppy?!?!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Office Death

I read this story today and was like "wow, that is ridiculous! How does that even happen??"

And then I remembered that I once worked in a place where a woman passed out at her desk and her cubicle buddy didn't notice for at least 5 minutes. And she had fallen on the floor!

So I guess it happens quite easily.

Depressing. The longer I spend in offices the more I wish I had the gumption, the drive and/or the ideas necessary to start my own company. But let's face it- I just want an excuse to sit at home in my pajamas with a laptop, a puppy and daytime TV. We all know that I can't be trusted to be productive left to my own devices.

Speaking of comfort.

I totally bought those shoes that are supposed to do wonders for your thighs and a$$ by just walking around. They are bizarre to walk around in but you definitely feel more of a burn than regular shoes. Or I just completely 100% buy into the advertising and my brain tricks my body into thinking there is more of a burny feeling. That's probably more likely. I'm OK with it as long as my brain also tricks my legs into looking fantastic. 

But you know what sucks about walking around in them? People stare at you like you're a short-bus riding window licker.

I know that the 80s-woman-all-power-suited-up-for-work look went out with the decade but is it really necessary to stare at me as I walk by? Probably not. I realize it looks ridiculous- I don't like wearing runners with my tights and a dress anymore than you like to look at me dressed like this. But they are comfortable and damn it if they make my a$$ look better then its a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

Can you just stop staring though? It makes me uncomfortable. And when I'm uncomfortable I tend to hide behind my b*tch face. I've had to pull out the b*tch face a lot less often lately and quite frankly, the frown lines have all but disappeared. I'm going to start wearing these shoes more often (Kim Kardashian totally endorses them and you're aware of my love for Kardashians right?) so all you morning commuters are just going to have to accept it and stop looking at me like I have a third eye. If I had a third eye, or a 2nd head even (I almost said third head before realizing that obviously I only have one head) you would be more than welcome to stare (actually that would still be quite rude, didn't your mother teach you that?) but I don't. I'm just wearing dumb shoes.

Please stop looking at me funny.

My feet are cozy and comfortable and my a$$? Is gonna look so good. Then you can stare all you want. At me walking away.

Finally, some of you may have noticed a comment left by a 'fan' yesterday. I have since removed it because it was clearly left by a chauvinistic a$$hole with too much time on his hands (and yet? Not enough to do a teeny bit of reading- I'm Canadian dipsh*t). While I welcome comments (leave me some!) and discussion and am big enough to leave up comments disagreeing with my posts, I won't let this blog become a dumping ground for belligerent dumba$$edness. 



Monday, February 14, 2011

Cupid's Arrow

Today is Valentine's Day. So you're probably one of 2 minds. All loved up and enjoying the warm fuzzy feeling of the day OR railing against the commercialism of a greeting card holiday.

Well in an effort to appease both sides of the Valentine's Day camp, I've compiled a list of some nice and some not-so-nice  Valentines....things.

I don't know if you've been reading a lot of articles online today, but I have (its been an unbelievably slow day and half the office has either been hopped up on V-day sugar treats or crashing down from their sugar highs) and there is an abundance of feel good V-day love stories.

Here you can find some pictures of Valentine's Day celebrations around the world. I especially like the one about padlocks in Poland. Sounds intriguing doesn't it? Guess you'll have to take a peek.

How about this one about a couple married for nearly 65 years. In a culture of celebrity marriages ending in quickie divorces, this kind of staying power is impressive and rare and should be celebrated. Not to be outdone are these guys celebrating an astounding 72 years of marriage. And they still seem like they actually enjoy each other's company. Adorable. Inspiring. No matter where you sit on the whole Valentine's Day issue.

If even that's too sweet for you and you're really just looking to get your mojo running (have you watched any Austin Powers recently? I have. Still great) then what about this app to help you do so freely and safely? Nothing says romance quite like free condoms after all.

There is of course an official anti-Valentine's Day movement. They call it Single Awareness (or Appreciation) Day. Participants wear green (the opposite of red, naturally) or black (mourning) to denote their stance against Cupid and give gifts to themselves.

Did you know that in Finland Valentine's Day doesn't celebrate romantic love, rather platonic love? AKA Friendship? So next year if you really can't stand the thought of another commercial romance-laden vomit fest courtesy of Cupid, perhaps you should make your way to Finland and celebrate good old fashioned Friendship?  You'd either have to have some Finnish friends to visit or you'd have to take some really good friends with you (the kind that won't mind schlepping out to Finland for some super chilled vacation time) but at least you have another option.

And finally, because no matter how you feel about Valentine's Day, everyone loves puppies! The Westminster Dog Show is going on over the next couple of days! They are introducing some new breeds and really, pictures of puppies getting primped are hilarious

Enjoy the rest of your Valentine's Day whatever you have planned.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Mid-Week Drinking

After a few crazy days here in the office, I was quite looking forward to the chance to catch up with some lady friends over glasses (read: bottles) of wine. My thought process leading up to the evening went something like this:

OK I am really ready for tonight. Its been a crazy afternoon and a glass of wine is just what I need to make this all better. I will cut a little loose this evening and tomorrow I will be so refreshed and ready to get through the remainder of the week. I'll just stop and get a bottle of wine, there's gonna be 5 of us and it would suck if we ran out of wine! I won't get crazy though-I mean, I have to work in the morning! Don't want a hangover, haha! You know what I'll do? Have a glass of wine, have a glass of water. I'll still be enjoying myself but I won't get carried away. I'm sure that [insert my friend's name here] doesn't have crazy huge wine glasses anyway. Totally have this under control! Besides, there is nothing that a venti vanilla earl grey tea latte courtesy of Starbucks can't fix!

This morning my thought process was more like:


My friend had huge wine glasses, I didn't alternate my wine with water, Starbucks totally failed to put vanilla in my tea and I was totally hungover at work.

For most of the day in fact. Wasn't until after lunch (I meant to get something healthy but ended up with 2 slices of perfect awesome pizza to soak up all the leftover alcohol in my system. That and the advil really worked wonders. I also, for the first time in my life, took back the crappy a$$ Starbucks and asked them to please make it again. I told them that I was really sorry but there was no vanilla in my drink and I really needed a good drink because I was hungover and tired. And they made it again (it was delicious) AND gave me a coupon for a free drink next time. Which made my day.

That and the fact that I got a present from a woman that started working here on Tuesday! This is her 3rd day and she brought me a present! I like this lady. Its one of those little notebooks/day planners but its got a really pretty cover. I'm one of those people that totally flips for stationary. Very exciting. Oh did I mention that the dayplanner is in German? Yeah, thats why she thought of me- because she thought I spoke German. Its close enough to Dutch that I know what's going on but yeah that was a confusing moment in my hangover.

As far as hangover work days go, this one hasn't been too bad. I feel like I'm through the worst of it now. Those of you that have been reading for a while (and good on you for sticking it out this long hoping something good will come of it!) will know that I have a strict policy about hangovers. I feel like because its self-inflicted and 100% preventable (just like teen pregnancy) I still have to go to work. No matter what. Always been that way. Even when I was a cashier at Michaels (arts & crafts superstore) back when I was 18 or 19 I would show up for my weekend shifts. Sure I might smell like rum (no strength for a shower- that's why I switched my beverage of choice to vodka) and be slightly disheveled, but I was present, ready and mostly able to work.

Work ethic people.

By the time I post this I will be done with work for the day. But right now, there is some laminating that desperately needs to get done so if you will excuse me...enjoy what's left of your Thursday!

Monday, February 7, 2011

Winter Reads Courtesy of Jen Lancaster

I thought I had my Monday morning sh*t together.

Then I almost walked into a glass door.

I'd already had my caffeine fix so that wasn't an excuse. I did notice before impact and therefore avoided said glass door. But just barely. And I'm sure that people noticed me weaving around to the actual door. Its kind of amazing that I didn't fall down in the process really.

So I didn't have my sh*t together as well as I had hoped, but I have made it through Monday relatively unscathed. I didn't even burn the office down (although every time I go past one of the branches of the company I used to work for, I get the urge to do something damaging to them). Progress.

Because its Monday and they are hard to get through and you've made it and therefore you deserve a treat here's the link to Jen Lancaster's Winter Reading Picks! Definitely going to be looking out for Its All Relative by Wade Rouse and Its Not Me Its You by Stefanie Wilder- Taylor.

You know, if I ever get to read a new book ever again.

Have you heard about my Daniel Deronda plight? I've been reading this book for going on 3 weeks and for me that is a mother f*cking eternity.

Its not that its not a good book. Its George Eliot. Of course its a good book. But sometimes you choose books that are not the right fit for your needs at that time. Probably don't want to be choosing heavy Victorian literature with a tendency towards religious enlightenment and the torment of the soul, for 7am bus reading. I don't like passing out on the bus (what if I start snoring? Not that I ever snore. But you know,what if I started?!) but George Eliot is not helping my cause.

OK. I know. Short post today. Kind of cheated too because I totally just stole genius words from Jen Lancaster and added some words of my own. But I almost walked into a glass wall today guys? I can't be trusted to carry on.

Plus the hockey game is about to start. And if the Score and Win name today (for those of you not in Canada, Safeway chooses specific products as Score and Win products- if they draw your name and a player scores 5 goals in one game, you get $1 million) is Jennifer McLean I will lose my mind because that is definitely not the phone number I gave the cashier today.

And that would happen today because that's the kind of day its been.

Tuesday thoughts, Tuesday thoughts!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Cranky Old Woman

I just wrote almost an entire post about how dissatisfied I was with this job and then I started reading it and I was like shut up, no one wants to hear your whining. Which is how I'm sure most of you would have responded had I actually had the gall to post something about how my job sucks when people are fighting for democracy in Egypt, there is a nasty storm hitting Australia, after devastating flooding last month (naturally), and dogs are being slaughtered. 

Sometimes its good to be reminded that in the long run, your "problems" aren't really such a big deal.
So I wrote the above (and the next part about lip balm) while I was still at work and it was part of a really interesting, well executed post. But then I read it again and I realized that I sound like an a$$hole which is really something that I try to avoid, if at all possible.

I really need to make sure that I buy myself some lip balm. The really nice medicated kind you know? The kind that tingles on your lips so you feel like your lips are starting to heal on contact with magic lip balm? That, and I gotta stop licking my lips in boredom. And talking about lips.
Has the word 'lips' lost meaning to anyone else? Lips. Lips.

OK so I had nothing to write about and then I was on the way home and The Boyfriend and I were complaining about the dumba$$ people on this earth and it got the ranty juices flowing. So here we go. 

Things People Need to Figure the F*ck Out (feel free to add your own)

1. Walking. I understand that walking has become increasingly difficult what with all the extra activities we want to do while we're walking: emailing, texting, talking, listening to music etc. BUT walking requires some effort on your part. You really don't want to break your ankle on your way to work because you were tottering along on your ridiculous heels (bring runners with you, I know you look like an 80s power suit, but you won't fall down!) texting and hair flipping all at once. Also, maybe wait for the little lit up man to show up, signaling that its safe to cross the street. Weird how that thing comes up when its safe to walk so that you don't, you know, step off the curb (kerb, kurb, pick your poison) prematurely into the path of a car.

2. The definition of a Little vs. a Lot. Seems simple right? Apparently when I say just a little bit of mustard, what I really mean is Could you please cram as much mustard onto my sandwich as possible? I prefer to only taste mustard. When I say a Little, I don't want very much. When I ask for a Lot (which I so rarely do) please, load me up.

3. How To Say My Name. I've been over this before. I get that my name is not pronounced the way that its spelled and I'm very sorry for all the difficulties. Maybe you could have somehow let my mom know that I wouldn't be growing up in Europe and to please consider this when choosing my name. But you didn't. So now? Learn how to say my f*cking name right. I learned how to say your name right. You owe me. I've told you 100 times. A thousand. Probably a million. Listen to me. Say it right. My patience is wearing very. Very. Thin.

4. Manners. Everything is so digital (call a friend? Why would you call a friend when you can text a friend?! Why text when you can facebook?!) that its easy to forget how to interact with real people. Things that are not OK: avoiding eye contact when you're talking to me, not holding the door open for me when you see me coming with my arms full of mail, and/or  not using please OR thank you. Please note that this is not a complete list. By any means. Shape up.

5. How To Read. Naturally this doesn't apply to you, my bloggy friends. You're reading right now. And chances are you feel an affinity for the written word and chase it down in your free time. But people in general? Would rather see the movie. And that's a shame because Hollywood does some pretty messed up sh*t to some excellent books (see: Pride & Prejudice with Keira Knightley). You people that don't read? That don't have time for the expansion of the mind, the learning that comes from reading? Well, your ignorance? Is showing and you're embarrassing yourself.

I know. When I grow up I'm going to be the crankiest old lady. I can't wait. You can't say anything to a cranky old crone. You just gotta take it. 

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Time Crunch

I wrote this yesterday before I decided to get all current events-y on your a$$. Please excuse the formatting-Blogger doesn't seem to want to cooperate in any way.

Boy was it hard to get out of bed this morning. If you're like me and sleep with the window open (glorious, glorious fresh air), you'd have been all cozy and warm in bed this morning too. And it would have been that much harder to throw off the blankets and step out into the brisk, brisk morning air. Awful way to start Monday morning.

The morning wasn't actually too bad. Maybe it was the low expectations, maybe its the better work environment, maybe its a change in attitude in yours truly.
But the afternoon? Dragging.
I have nothing to do. There is only so much couriering and laminating that I have to do in a day. Its not supply ordering day, I've sorted what mail there is, updated all lists, checked the short I have done everything that I'm supposed to do daily as well as the myriad of little tasks that are thrown at me. Check and check.
Now I'm finding myself hoping the phone will ring so that for the 15 seconds it takes to answer and redirect a call, I will have something to do. Maybe someone will email me a request. Maybe the FedEx guy will arrive so that I will have someone to talk to for 30 seconds.
The papers all over my desk have been sorted and cleared as much as possible. I've crossed off the miniscule tasks I write on my To Do list, the kinds of things that I write down just to have the pleasure of crossing them off. Things like Fax Timesheet and give sheet to so and so from so and so.

And still its not time to go home.
I went through the drawers and cabinets and straightened them up as much as possible. I've thrown out the stuff that isn't pertinent and rearranged the stuff that is. I've messaged my cousin, The Record and my friend Mona who just quit her job for a flash new one. (I'm sorry to report that Mona will no longer be harassed by the security personnel that sit nearby. Mona pretends like she hates it but we all know that she's going to miss it)
I've already exhausted all local and national news sites, tried to circumvent the entertainment news filter and googled everything from Lionel Logue to unique dog names (got any for me?).
I've looked at local breeder sites (except the ones that require the kind of software that is not installed on company computers) and caught up on some blogs (again the ones that I'm allowed to).

And still its not time to go home.
I've updated my books read list (stagnant at 6 because I can't finish Daniel Deronda in a timely fashion!) and added to the books I'd like to read (any suggestions?). My calendar has been updated for this week-not that there is that much going on, but its been updated nonetheless. I've offered teams help with the little things that they might need done (regardless of the fact that I hate to do the little things).

I've entertained the thought of playing solitaire. But it seems early to blatantly wave the boredom in other people's faces. I've discussed the weather, my weekend, people's whereabouts 100 times today, answered questions about everything from sending mail, to supply orders and back. I've made life easier for my colleagues and greeted guests with a smile.
I'm exhausted and bored but its not time to go home.
Anyone else kind of wish that I had the talent to turn this into some kind of poem with rhyming and stanzas and stuff?
Yeah me too. That probably would have helped time move along before I got to go home.