Wednesday, June 30, 2010


My bus pass keeps stabbing my finger. Right under the nail in that fleshy part. It hurts!

Someone has hung a sock monkey, over my desk, from a paperclip and a push pin. I'm not even going to take him down. 1. Because sock monkeys are kind of awesome and 2. because he's representative of what its like to work here. So if they were trying to make me laugh, they just made me nod my head in recognition of that feeling.

Amy is a cow (no I guess nothing has changed, I just felt like it should be reiterated). Tomorrow is Canada Day (holla!) so we get the day off. But what a kick in the box is it that we have to come back for Friday? Like what is up with that? Well the other team, you know the one with a manager that respects them and recognizes that when employees feel valued they work harder? Well they have the option to work tomorrow, without stat pay and then get the Friday off. You end up with a long weekend, instead of a taste of weekend that gets yanked back just as you are starting to relax into it.

I don't get this option because its a managerial call to make and Amy has her head so far up her own a$$ that she doesn't realize that some people might want to get Friday off instead so that they can drink during fireworks, not be hungover at work AND watch the Netherlands take on Brazil.

Today, Amy gets the stink eye. All day long. Passive Aggressive to the max!

Overshare Alert! Yesterday Nathan told me the following: "My dad got a vasectomy because he thought 2 kids was plenty." While I respect Nathan's dad's decision, I never ever needed to know about it. That's great that his dad is able to enjoy some private time with Nathan's mom and not have to worry about any more little Nathans running around, but for the love of God, keep it to yourself. Did Nathan forget the agony he felt when his dad had this discussion with him? Why pass that along to your lovely, unsuspecting co-worker?

You guys, I fear that I have become a full on cubicle imbecile. Yesterday I had trouble stringing together words to form coherent thoughts and it didn't even wear off on the bus ride home (with my stabby bus pass). It lingered into the evening when The Boyfriend and I played some more Crazy 8s (the student has become the master). I won a game when he was holding three 8s! And I asked him about it but instead of calling them 8s I called them aces. Needless to say The Boyfriend was confused. Later I called pillows, towels. I might also have told him that I didn't want to play Scrabble with him because he always wins (I'm not a very good loser), not because he's smart but because he knows where to place the letters.

So either the cubicle is breaking down my ability to interact with other, non-a$$hole people, or I have a brain tumour?

Maybe I shouldn't put that last part out into the Universe...

There was a lot of discussion in the comments yesterday about the acceptability of crying on the bus. There's a lot of crazy that takes public transit so I guess in the grand scheme of things a little sniffle or maniacal laughter (yes its happened to me Breenuh - I read Jen Lancaster on the bus all the time, you can't help but look crazy when you read that in a public place. The woman is hilarious) doesn't really stand out. I just feel doubly self conscious and try so hard to control it on the bus, as opposed to reading it at home when I would just sob, letting it all out (as long as The Boyfriend wasn't around to mock me).

And you all MUST read Jane Eyre!!! No matter how long your To Read list is! Its amazing!

I'm sorry for the random collection of "thoughts" (seems a strong word for this post), its the best I could do today. I fell asleep on the bus. I am tired. I'm amazed I made it to work honestly. I could have just stayed on the bus and rode in a loop all day long.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Jane Eyre

It seems like everyone is having trouble reconciling themselves to the fact that today is another work day.

I just tried to make tea, and while I was attempting clumsy pre-caffeine conversation I forgot if I had turned on the kettle or not. How to check? Touching the water. I had turned the kettle on. Turns out it does a good job boiling water too.

Someone just came to ask Amy a very simple question. Response? Blank stare. Looks like she too has no idea where she is and what she is doing here.

This is the kind of stuff that happens when you work a job that forces half your brain to wither and die of boredom.

Did you hear that some guy in Newfoundland won a huge chunk of the lottery? My lottery? I thought that I was going to win the lottery, I had made plans and everything. Step 1: Quit my job. Step 2: Travel. Step 3: I didn't get as far as Step 3...figured I could make do with Steps 1 and 2 and kind of take it from there.

Apparently while I was fantasizing about all the different ways that I could quit (I'm torn between just never coming back and coming in and making a scene that ends with me yelling something like "so long b*tches!"), I should have been on my way to Happy Valley Goose Bay, Newfoundland to buy my ticket.

Yes I am actually really bummed I didn't win! I really thought it was mine this time!

I probably should look into some medication for these delusions, thanks.

Could I ask you guys a question? I guess that is rhetorical since a) I'm going to ask you anyway and b) its not like we're having an actual conversation here.

If you were running a department that was going to close down within months and a bunch of your staff would be out of work, would you hire extra people at the end to help with the workload?

Seems to me you would want to keep your existing staff on as long as possible, and therefore not hire additional people. Then give those existing staff members the option to fill the positions available going forward, instead of hiring on newbies to fill them. Obviously I'm not management material since the powers-that-be did exactly the opposite of what I would do. Shame really. Ever since I was a child I have dreamt of being in middle-management.

Yeah, no, that's a lie. Obviously.

Hey this Tuesday might not turn out to be so bad- Amy is in and out of meetings all day. Or at least all morning. Weird how she is OK with being in meetings all day on site when Veronica isn't here to babysit, but when the same meetings are off site, she wants no part of them. Are they not basically the same thing?

Consequence of Amy's micormanaging? One of the newbies is pacing up and down the hall looking for Amy to tell her what to do. Amy is in a meeting, newbie's day is completely shot.

I was reading Jane Eyre on the bus this morning and one of the characters dies (the one in the beginning for those of you in the know. For those of you not in the know- why have you not read Jane Eyre? Its only one of the greatest books ever) and so I had to sit on the bus pretending not to cry while inside I was dying a little. Do you think it will ever become acceptable to cry on the bus? I don't mean running on the bus hysterical, missing a shoe, mascara all over your face- that's scary. But quietly sniffling in the corner because your book is sad? That's gotta become OK one of these days right?

If that newbie doesn't find someone else to tell her what to do, this day could turn ugly real fast!

Monday, June 28, 2010

I'm A Jerk

Warning: what follows are the ramblings of an extremely grumpy, partially panicked, mosquito bite covered, seemingly ungrateful cubicle prisoner.

Its no secret that I hate my job and now that I have a shiny new apartment, I am able to get another one. But I don't have the luxury of time to leave it on my own terms. An email was sent out on Friday that those of us that are not going to continue with the company (and there are only like 5 of us! What are the rest of you smoking? This place is the devil! Its not going to get any better. This job is NOT better than no job! Seriously!) will likely be out of a job in August and/or September (thanks for the concreteness of the end, guys).

On the one hand, there is obvious relief. Just a few more weeks of this no matter what.

On the other hand, I think I am feeling the beginnings of panic? I have been constantly employed since I was 15. Always gone from one job to the next seamlessly. The prospect of not having a job is...kind of scary.

I am looking for something new. But in my experience, its less about what you know and more about who you know. So I'm reaching out.

And here's the part where I sound ungrateful.

Unless you have a job posting, a name of someone to contact, or a website for me to check out, you're not helping. You're freaking me out and overwhelming me. I think I had a panic attack in the car on the way home from the Lake yesterday thanks to some helpful hints from my mother.

I love you Mom.

(On a slightly unrelated note: having spent 3 glorious days at the lake in the sun, playing with a puppy and drinking I should be more relaxed but I'm really wound up. Anything could set me off. Feel bad for The Boyfriend you guys- he has to bear the brunt)

See, I have found jobs before. In fact, I have a job. I know things like "its easier to find a job when you already have a job" and "just send resumes to companies you want to work for". I know that volunteering is a good way to pad the resume and that temping is a good option too (except I've also witnessed the downside to being a Temp: mainly that you are expendable and that you are treated like a second class employee) and that being an intern is an excellent way to get experience in your field.

But I don't want another job. I'm over having a job. I would really like a career at this point. Sending resumes to companies is all well and good, and following up is obviously key but if they have no vacancies, then it only does so much good. I don't have the luxury of time to volunteer (until I get laid off of course, which is imminent), or intern (also, I'm not 20 or fresh out of college...I have a mortgage now) and temping? Might actually be my nightmare.

Once upon a time, during a meeting where I fantasized about John getting run over by a stampeding herd of rhinos , John promised us that when the time came to lay us all off, we would have the opportunity to job hunt at work. Said it was the least they could do since they were getting rid of us. And I agreed (probably one of the only times that we were on the same page about anything).

But having so much faith in this place, as the lay offs approach and no more mention has been made of this, I figure it was just another empty promise. Which sucks, because I could really use the extra time.

This whole job hunt thing is overwhelming and stressful and exciting all rolled into one big panic inducing ball of fun sitting in the pit of my stomach. Believe me when I say that I want to find something else. But this whole office experience has also taught me that I'm not going to settle for something just to have a job. Again. That's how I got here. And its not going all that well for me.

I'm probably going to have to be picky this time, which might mean that its going to take some time. It doesn't mean that I'm not motivated or that I'm not trying. It means that this time, I'm going to get the right position.

So if you want to help me, send me names and positions. Don't give me the standard tips that I can read in this week's Working column in the transit paper. I need a new job, not "helpful hints".

And now I'm done being a b*tch. Actually as far as being a b*tch goes, I've definitely seen worse.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Cubicle Poetry

While I'm at the lake, having some drinks, sitting in the sun, reading and playing with an adorable little puppy, you all will still be fighting cubicle boredom so I thought it was only right to leave you with this gift: a poem. That's right, like Ryan in the first season of The Bachelorette, I wrote you a poem. Choose me.

Here you are then, Cubicle: A Poem (I was going to call it Cubicle: A Sonnet, but I didn't want to be confined to any kind of style you know?)

Essentially I work in a box
With security tighter than Fort Knox
God forbid we take 5 minutes more
To quickly run out the door
For a snack, shopping, medical care
Not here, we wouldn't dare
Two years ago I didn't know
The lengths that my managers'd go
To make my working life
Nothing but torture, hardship and strife
To ease the pain, I took up the pen
And tried to educate dozens of (wo)men
About the dangers of boredom and work
How much it sucks when your boss is a jerk
We've talked about rules, colleagues and booze,
Most days I'd rather hit the snooze
We all know I stayed for the money
To buy a place for me and my honey
I know, that line made me ill too
Turns out rhyming's hard to do
Now that I have a new home
I'll have to invest in a comb
So that my hair looks tidy and neat
For all the possible bosses I'll meet
Thanks for stopping by each day
And reading what I have to say
It took all week but Friday is here
Let's all have a drink and a cheer!

I'm sorry and you're welcome.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Vacation Rules

I made up a new word. I really think its going to catch on.

I was talking to my friend, let's call her Megara (remember that movie? Remember when Tate Donovan was hot?) about how she is sick of working and thinks that we should both find rich men to take care of us so that we wouldn't have to work. So our boyfriends would become our man mistresses because we are really quite fond of them, and we needed a word for this new title. Since I was pretty sure that no word exists, I came up with some options. Just plain old misters, and concuboys.

I think concuboys could really work.

Guess what? Today's post has a point! No really, it does! I was talking to The Record yesterday, upon her return from a couple of days out of the office and realized that there need to be some Cubicle rules for vacation days. I figure its a good time for them too- its summer (or so I have been told) and people want to take advantage of the beautiful weather (or in the case of Vancouverites, just freeze away from the city) by taking some time off.

Sadly this means that your managers suffer. So I give you: Cubicle Rules For Vacationing.

1. No Arrangements Will Be Made To Redistribute Your Work. Even if you are a proactive employee and make these arrangements yourself, they will not be honoured. Its your work, you get it done. Don't make lousy excuses like "I'm going away". You get to go away, you get to catch up when you're back.

2. You Will Respond To All Emails. Maybe you did set your out-of-office, but does your out-of-office help your boss figure out how to do his/her job? I didn't think so. Make sure that you deal with all your emails before you return to the office, or you will be behind. And I'm sure that your manager doesn't want to have to remind you that s/he needs your help on all the stufff you left behind before your little hiatus.

3. Help Everyone Else. When you return you will be expected to help everyone else with their workload. No, we didn't take care of your duties while you were away, but you were on vacation so you must be well-rested and caught up. Some of us had to work. Feel free to pitch in.

4. We Will Ignore Your Vacation. You had a good trip? The weather was nice? Don't care. Did you get the emails that I sent about that thing that I didn't do while you were away? I sent it to you 5 days ago and still haven't heard about it. Vacation? You were away? Your manager doesn't care that you were away. You're back now and your boss needs you to complete the TPS report.

4b. Supervisiors Get Extra Attention. Sometimes supervisors, the unsung heroes of the office, need a vacation and they will want to make it count. They may even go somewhere amazing like South Africa (or Los Angeles). Don't worry- we wouldn't want you to miss out on this momentous office occasion. We will have a cake to send them off in style, and while they are away, there will be email updates about how much fun your supervisor is having. Because management knows that you want to know. And management always obliges those desires. Maybe you will even get postcards.

5. If You Stay, We Have Work For You. Not everyone goes on vacation during the summer, and that's OK. We have work for you. Because there are a lot of people away over the next few weeks we will need everyone else to work extra hard to make up for it. If you are completely incompetent we will probably get someone to do your work. If you are fully capable of doing your job on your own, we will probably get you to train someone to take care of it while you are gone, but don't labour under false pretenses- they aren't actually going to do your work. And you will still be behind when you are back.

So that's it. Rules for vacation. Obviously a heavy dose of Sarcasma today.

And just for Anna...


Wednesday, June 23, 2010

John Is Stressed. And The Villagers Cheered.

Today I promised you all an update on how John is doing in his new role.

In a word? Stressed.

Turns out he's in way over his head and he's feeling totally overwhelmed. To which I say: karma's a b*tch, B*tch. Turns out he doesn't actually have a clue as to what he is doing and they made a huge mistake in giving him his own agency. I could have told them all this a long time ago, but sadly for them, they don't listen to me.

Apparently he has hired on his partner to work for him as well as his best friend (the former d-bag-manager-with-no-first-name) so you know there are no conflicts of interest there.

Because it is so easy to remain objective and do your job when you have hired on your family and friends right? And that can only be good for business yes? So there really shouldn't be any problems with his new "friends and family" hiring policy. I will put money on the fact that as soon as she can, Veronica will join this merry band of idiots, despite the fact that she has no customer service experience (unless you count that time she worked in a drugstore- she was really successful, she was robbed at knifepoint) and doesn't have an exactly stellar track record when it comes to working with people. The funny thing is I'm positive she will think she has been hired into some position of authority and will act like it, when in fact I'm sure she will be bottom of the totem pole.

Can't wait.

John was actually here yesterday. I saw him with my own 2 eyes at the end of the hall way. I was getting ready to go to the pub around the corner for the South Korea match and he was here, catching up with friends under the guise of some kind of training. I saw him, our eyes locked, he hesitated, unsure of whether to wave, I hesitated unsure of whether to walk away or flip him off. In the end, I stared him down and made him walk away first. Good thing we were headed to the pub. Rum never tasted so good.

Today we have news that Turd Furgason will also be leaving our cozy little family and heading to his own branch starting July 1st. A little present from Canada to me (July 1st is Canada day). As soon as this department folds (in the fall sometime, God forbid they give us something more concrete) Amy will join her brother. I have no idea what is with this place and the hiring of the family. I love my family, but I wouldn't want to work with them (cousin, am I right?) ever.

I still haven't received my ipod back. Should I be concerned? Is she some kind of ipod con artist? Has she discovered an affinity for Dutch rap? Musicals? 90s one-hit wonders? What are the chances I get it back today?

I scared the bejeezus out of our resident South Korea supporter just now (she's hardcore, when Korea scored the first time yesterday she actually ran up and down the halls with her flag screaming). She had her headphones in and was concentrating, so I snuck up behind her and put my hands on her shoulders. The sound she made was like a parrot dying. I may have relayed the story to another co-worker, using the word sh*t, standing in front of the lunchroom where an interviewee was waiting. I should care, but they really should know what kind of place they are interviewing in.

I'm afraid that that is all that I have for you today (aside from using the word 'that' as many times in a sentence as possible). I do want to wish VEG a very happy birthday though. I think there might even be sunshine for you!? There was when I got off the bus this morning but I have no window with which to confirm the veracity of this statement at this time. But still, Happy Birthday!!

PS Nathan is matching Maurice's dress sense with a canary yellow polo shirt. Its not even casual Friday.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Music Shame

Yesterday I did something nice. I know, totally uncharacteristic of my work self but there you go.

So this girl forgot her ipod, which if you work here is kind of like the end of the world. In order to tune out the bullsh*t and pretend like your professional life isn't a total misery, one needs music.

I happen to have 2 ipods that I always have at work- my iphone has music on it and I continue to bring my ipod to work (they have different music for the most part). So the girl had headphones and I offered her my extra ipod.

Forgetting my secret music shame. I have posted on here about music before. By looking at that you probably decided that I have terrible taste in music and you wouldn't be too far off the mark. I basically handed over my deepest, darkest secret to a virtual stranger.

Lest you think I'm overreacting, let me just give you a quick rundown of the kind of stuff that is on my ipod: musicals (a lot of them), Spice Girls, Backstreet Boys, ABBA, country music from when I was 15 and kind of into country music (which is basically a crime in these parts), Girlicious (I know), Destiny's Child circa 2001, a Dutch rap song that only I appreciate, a song about how I'm From Holland, Where the F*ck You From?, and possibly the BeeGees.

The I'm-one-cool-b*tch rep that I have been so carefully crafting has been undone in one good deed.

Of course she hasn't actually given it back so maybe she loves what I've done with the ipod and my secret will be safe? Safe from the people that I haven't told by posting it on a blog that anyone can stumble upon since its on the internets.

Yesterday afternoon this guy was complaining about he was so tired (stemming from obscene boredom no doubt) and this other girl was all "Cheer up, its almost Tuesday!"

I'm sorry what?

Since when did Tuesdays become cause for celebration? I told him that it was a good thing I wasn't around. I would have told her to get out.

Also, our cleaning people seem to have fallen into some kind of cleaning frenzy after months and months of doing nothing (as far as anyone can tell, you should see the dust collections we have built up). I came in this morning and all my pens, post-its, various office mascots (I have 3: a Toblerone dog, a stress horse and a little wooden turtle with a bobbing head that I got in Mexico) and papers had been shoved to the side. The one thing that I did appreciate was that they collected all the paperclips that had been strewn all over my desk into my slinky. But now, what do I do when I want to use my slinky?


My new cubicle buddy though? Is really filling in Maurice's shoes quite nicely. Obviously am not talking about Amy- wall buddy I guess would be more correct: Nathan. Words that just came out of his mouth: "duckpimples", "mallard swells" and "earholes". Also, he does accents and I'm pretty sure that he is making Amy seriously reconsider her new seating plan. That's really all I have to offer you about Nathan for now but I will obviously be keeping you posted.

Tomorrow- an update on John and my thoughts on the situation.

This afternoon- drinks in a bar! I'm going with some co-workers to watch the 2nd half of the South Korea- Nigeria game. I've been told to cheer for South Korea. Don't tell them I will be rooting for Nigeria.

Monday, June 21, 2010

I Should Stop Saying 'You Know' So Much

Today is Midsummer in Sweden. Which means that my Swede (yes, I have a Swede, everyone should have one. Although they do need a lot of exercise and have an insatiable thirst for vodka-like things) will be participating in all kinds of pagan rituals and drinking til she falls down.

Actually just got a text from her. Apparently even the Swedes don't do Mondays and their celebrations have been put off until later in the week. Swedes are smart like that.

You know where its hard to believe that its summer? Here. Its really cold outside. Like 13 degrees (Celsius. I don't do farenheit. I don't get it) cold. Its official Vancouver. We are going to have a shite summer. But we'll sleep so well (you know because we aren't suffocatig in the sweltering heat?). I guess its a fairly OK trade off. Except that I would really like some patio weather. For the drinking.

It's eerily quiet in here this morning. Like some of us thought it was Monday but it actually isn't? Or everyone else got some kind of really nasty illness and we are the only ones that survived?

Dare to dream.

You know what's really unpleasant to come to work to? Besides the fact that its Monday. Obviously. Its really unpleasant to come to work to be greeted by the smell of rot. Apparently the power went out here this weekend and all the food that was left in the fridge (and people here? Leave a lot of food in the fridge) rotted. And it SMELLS bad. So bad that I don't even know how I am going to make it in there for the time it takes to make a cup of tea. And I need my tea. Its Monday.

I did it. I survived. Now I have tea. Remember 2 paragraphs up when I said that I dreamed that Amy wouldn't be in today because she was busy dying at home? Dreams don't come true.

I'm surprisingly chipper for a Monday morning actually. I wonder what's wrong with me? Maybe I'm the one that's dying. My symptoms: no overwhelming urge to cause anyone here bodily harm. No caustic wit spewing from my mouth. I'm pleasant. The beginnings of a sore throat. I made a concerted effort to make nice with Amy.

How long do you think I have to live?

I didn't want to come to work this morning though so that's normal. But The Boyfriend (sleeping soundly, snuggled warmly in bed) reminded me that its only a 4 day week. I can do that right? Four days? That's right kidlets, I'm taking Friday off. Don't worry, I will arrange something for you to read while you are slaving away in your own cubicle prisons.

So you know how there was a power outage here this weekend? I have a couple of complaints on that head. First- apparently the power outage started about 6pm on Friday to which I say: Really?!?! There was no way to ensure that the power went out while I was still working? I haven't suffered enough? And then to turn it back on literally as I'm getting to work on a Monday? Not cool Power people, not cool. Secondly- there was a power outage this weekend, did you hear? Yeah, all the food in the fridge rotted, did you throw yours out? We got new cream and milk though. Did you hear that the power went out though?

The power went out. There's a note on the fridge, we all got the email, let's move on shall we? We don't need to individually notify each person that walks in the door. Chances are they heard about it.

One positive that's come out of this power outage kerfuffle (man I love a chance to use the word kerfuffle) I feel a little more cranky. Which means that all is right with the Universe.

Although I seriously would have loved an extension of this power outage. And they better not throw out my lunch now.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Yes, I Am Rambling

This is why I love The Boyfriend. The other day he ate all the cookies. Last night I came home and he had replaced the cookies. Then I ate 4. And reached for 2 more. And I said "I know I should stop, but I can't" and then he said that I could have as many cookies as I wanted.


Also the Lakers won last night so he didn't have to beat me. Always a bonus.

New annoyance at work. Bad cologne. Every day when he leaves, Nathan (hat wearer, other side of the wall inhabitant) sprays himself down with some kind of cheap cologne that lingers in the air until its time for me to go home. It gives me a headache. I'm not sure who told him that whatever it is smells good because they lied to him. So now he walks around thinking he's Kobe Bryant after he wins 5 championships, when in fact he's much more Kevin Federline when he was with Britney Spears (and therefore at the height of his white trashness). I guess he is unaware that we actually have a no-perfume rule in the office.

Now the bastard is getting Christmas songs stuck in my head!

But for all his faults, Nathan does have one big thing going for him: I think he's annoying Amy! He used to sit in a kind of office siberia, with no one on our team around him to talk to. Now he's in the thick of things and he's a social guy. I'm able to talk and work but I think that Amy thinks that this ability is an office myth. So anyway Nathan talks and talks and talks. I think its refreshing, Amy looks like she wants to forcefully shut him up. Which I'm loving. Guess your little desk rearrangement experiment isn't working out quite the way you wanted it to is it Amy?

Angela, I saw your request for more oversharing stories, but there has been a drought of late. I can't decide whether to be happy about this or not. On the one hand, this way I don't have to look like I care. On the other hand, there is less fodder for the blog. Conflicted.

But when something happens that warrants the label of Overshare, you know I will do my part to let you be a part of the experience.

Do you think if I wore my sunglasses at my desk I would look like a tool or like a superstar? I ask because the lovely glow of the fluorescent light above my head is making my eyes scream and giving me a headache. I know that my managers don't give a sh*t so there's no point bothering them, but there must be a homemade solution in this somewhere yes? Sunglasses. Although I seem to remember mocking someone wearing her sunglasses inside all day only to find out that she had just had lazer eye surgery...

I suffer from Foot-in-Mouth disease. I think its inherited. My mom has a pretty bad case.

Ok folks, I have some Amy-free time and I think I'm going to use it to troll around on the internets and see what's new. She's interviewing someone. Hopefully this candidate's not an idiot.

Oh OH! Before I forget. Summer is here (or so I'm told because the weather? Didn't get the memo) which means that everyone needs some good reads for the beach or the lake, road trips etc. Everyone's favourite narcissistic ex-sorority girl has some great reads picked out in all kinds of categories, including that of the young adult vampire variety (but don't judge her). You're welcome!

Thursday, June 17, 2010


So yesterday and the day before I accidentally did too much work. This happens sometimes- I listen to my music and all of a sudden I've done everything on my desk and then some.

But this time its kind of a catastrophe.

Remember how I got moved last week? The last thing I need is for Amy to think that she made the right decision moving me here, that my productivity has gone up because she has her eye on me.

I thought that I had solved the problem the first day. I would just take 20 of the things that I had finished and put it on the bottom of the pile that I still needed to do. Instead of having done over 100 I would now have a respectable 88, pretty normal. Then yesterday I would make sure to go slow and add the 20 to that day's work.

Clever right?

Wrong. The work I have right now? Not so challenging. I did way too many again (Amy also ended up giving me more, which I didn't see coming). So I removed 15 this time, which I will add to today's work. I really have to pace myself though.

I have another one for you from the weirdness files. So Nathan, of the douche-y-inside-hat-wearing fame, is now sitting on the other side of the cubicle wall from me. He can be fairly amusing a lot of the time, but other times he's just plain weird. Also, I think he insinuated that I was fat yesterday? Maybe? Anyway, all day long people kept stopping by his desk asking if he had hurt his back. I had no idea why everyone was asking this until I got up and went to see him.

He was standing at his desk. All day long he was standing at his desk. You may be asking yourself how he hurt his back. He didn't. He had read an article that said you burn more calories standing, than sitting. So he stood. All day.

For those of you that have been with the blog for a while, yes, Maurice is no longer my cubicle buddy. I fear that there will be a famine of Maurice-related stories. Although he does sit with his back to people now so sometimes I run over there and try and scare him. Haven't succeeded yet. He has nerves of steel. Didn't see that from him.

I seem to have made a new work friend. This was totally accidental but it seems to have happened and I'm not sure what to do with it. He has been here forever, and one time he bent over at my desk and I was scarred for life. But apparently we have bonded over the World Cup and now every time he walks by my desk (I face the passage way now, which means making eye contact with people all day long. Its exhausting) he gives me this creepy little half smile. I think I'm just going to go with it. I don't want to get shot one day when he's had enough.

Finally, I'm not sure what happened on the bus this morning but Mr Bus-driver-man totally missed my stop, even though the signal had been pulled and half the bus was standing by the doors to get out. Normally the little bit of an extra walk wouldn't have bothered me, but I still don't have a spring jacket and its still flipping cold here so by the time I got to the office I was a Bored@Work-sicle. Mr Bus-driver-man? Tomorrow do you think we could get off at the right stop? Please? I just bought an apartment and have no money for frivolities like coats.

OH I lied! THIS is the final thought. Because I am a Facebook-a$$hole and didn't check VIP birthdays recently I would like to send out a very hearty, very special, belated birthday greeting to Angela! I'm sorry I missed it, hope that your day was spectacular and that you can forgive me.

Thursday peoples! One more day to get through (you know, after today).

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Milk And Cookies

Last night in an effort to curb my solo drinking, I poured myself a glass of wholesome white milk. Don't get me wrong, I had a glass of chocolate milk for drinking. The white milk was for cookie dunking.

Turns out, we had no more cookies. The Boyfriend had had the same idea, only he had it earlier.

No cookies for me. I could really have used some cookies too. Well let's be honest, booze would have worked out just as well, it just felt wrong on this particular Tuesday. We all know I've not had the same hesitations on previous Tuesdays.

I tried looking for a job last night. Online, you know, because we're in the 21st Century now and that's how we do. Turns out, I'm not qualified to do anything. I've spent the last 2 plus years here doing sh*t all while I finished my degree and now that I have it, what do I have to offer a prospective employer? Theoretical knowledge? A smile?

I know that I can learn to do pretty much anything, I just don't know how many employers are willing to teach someone everything you know?

So in an effort not to slice my wrists this morning I have come up with a list of things that I'm good at in the hopes that someone will see it and hire me based solely on that.

1. I'm good at helping people out. I've done my fair share of reception/customer service oriented work and I'm good at problem solving. People love me. I'm good on the phone too- not that I answer it here, but that's a personal choice. One small way that I can control my day in cubicle prison.

2. I'm good at communicating. Written or verbal, phone or email, if you have communicating to do, I'm your girl. I even have a blog. If that's not communicating I don't know what is.

3. I'm good looking.

4. I'm good at learning. Seriously. Before I started this job, I knew nothing about the industry. Now I am unfortunately well-versed and can do my job in my sleep. Same goes for the jobs I've had before in a gym (me! in a gym!) and at a crafts store (me! in a crafts store!).

5. I'm good at multi-tasking. No, I'm excellent at multi-tasking. I can answer the phone, help someone out and still carry on with what I was doing before. Hell, I can blog and work at the same time. Not that I do...I'm also efficient.

6. I'm good to work with. Seriously, I'm awesome. People love to work with me. They are so going to miss me here. I will hold you when you're sad, help out with your workload and cheer you on when you're busy being awesome.

I know! I'd hire me too!

But apparently I have to find the job instead of waiting for it to find me. I really think that someone needs to rework that system. I guess in the meantime I will continue to think ahead to that day that I get to quit and sit down with someone that isn't Veronica, Amy or John and tell them exactly what has been going on here and why this place sucks.

Marshall- I tried the tea and I'm really not sure what I think about it. Its kind of toffee-like which might be too sweet? Seriously unsure.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Work Dreams Suck

Right before I woke up I had a dream that work was cancelled for a week. Initially I was annoyed because they didn't give us any heads up but then I realized that it was a free week off work and so I was good.

But then I woke up and realized that it was just a really cruel dream and I had to get up and get ready. For work.

Not a good start.

How can we interpret this dream? An unexpected vacation from work? Does that mean that I am going to get some time away from here? Will the department fold unexpectedly early? Send me your thoughts, I like to interpret dreams!

Because I woke up so early yesterday and deprived my body of essential sleep, after a night of regular sleep, I feel...rested. Which is a very weird feeling for me these days.

Anyway, let's get to the good stuff.

Veronica. I know that you are all dying to know if she got to South Africa safely. I am happy to report that she has. How do I know this? Because she called the office yesterday to let Amy know. Since I sit beside Amy I can pretty well hear everything that goes on around Amy and since she is the department manager...well I should be privy to some interesting info in the near future.

So Veronica called from her hotel in South Africa to let her boss/best friend know that she had arrived in one piece. And she was so loud I could practically hear her from here. I take a little comfort from the fact that that call probably cost her about $60. At least. And I'm sure she doesn't realize that since she's not exactly well-traveled. Can we talk about the fact that this girl needs to get a life away from work? Who calls their place of employment to check in when they are on vacation?! This is a girl that forced her friends to hold two going away parties before her trip, but she can't let go of work for even a day. I'm pretty sure she emailed Amy an update as well. I sure hope we all get to read it.

I can see that Amy is completing her work survey right now. And strongly agreeing with everyting. Of course she is- she has nothing to complain about. She can do whatever she wants.

Without Veronica, Amy needs a hand to wrangle all of us so she has appointed a substitute supervisor. Remember how you used to treat substitute teachers? I'm thinking along those lines for the Stand-In. He gets no name because he is being a little b*tch. Normally he's a decent guy but clearly the power has gone to his head and he is already demanding explanations for violations like talking. We are supposed to copy him on our production report email at the end of the day (yes, we do have to write down everything we did in a day and then report it) but I have no intention of doing so, mostly because the Stand-In has less seniority than me but his sister is best friends with Amy.

See how this place works?

Finally, I overheard that Amy is supposed to be going to a Manager's meeting on Thursday. But she won't because it would take her out of the office and "Veronica isn't here". So even though we're all employed adults, we can't be trusted in the care of our Sub. I guess she thinks we will burn the place down.

I guess she's not really that far off is she?

Oh one more thing. I wanted to thank Marshall for the vanilla bean tea. I was a traitor this morning and ran back to Starbucks but I will definitely try it tomorrow morning and hope that it will transport me to another place, filled with vanilla-y goodness.

Monday, June 14, 2010

How Amy Is Like My Grade 5 Teacher

The problem with the World Cup being in South Africa is that the time difference really doesn't work for me. Nine hours is a tricky time difference and although I have mostly worked it out when it comes to phoning relatives, watching live games is something else.

The Netherland's first game was at 4.30am local time. Do you know how much I hate to wake up early? Do you have any idea what a giant sacrifice it was on my part to wake up to watch it (nearly) live?

Fine. I started recording it, but only so that I could fast forward through the intermission. After all, I still had to go to work this morning didn't I?

Let me tell you, it is a good thing Oranje pulled off a win. A no-win situation that early on a Monday morning would not have ended well.

I had on my new Netherlands t-shirt too. Are you aware that its nearly impossible to get women's World Cup anything? Well now you are. Maybe its just here, but its annoying. I did end up getting a Netherlands shirt, but its not official. The Boyfriend didn't have the same trouble, being a man and all, and since he is honourarily Dutch (as decided by me) he got himself a lovely official Netherlands jacket.


So that's the good. Now onto the rest.

This is Day 3 of my captivity in the lair of the Stone Faced B*tch aka Amy. I am told that it is a gloriously sunny day but I have no way of knowing this for sure since I no longer have my window. Amy is still being a b*tch and so I continue Nelson Mandela's go-slow practice, regulating my productivity.

Naturally since it is a beautiful warm day outside, the heat must be cranked inside. I have been at work for an hour and am actually sweating (pretty picture non?). I have 2 theories about this: 1. they want to keep our body temperatures consistent inside and out so that we don't get sick and miss days of work or 2. they are hoping we pass out from heat exhaustion because it would amuse them.

Of course I could be sweating because my blood pressure is rising as I try to deal with my colleagues and their unbelievable stupidity and lack of accountability. I expect this sh*t from the reps, but the people that are supposedly part of the same "team" (I use the term very loosely)? That pisses me off. Especially when I try to explain the problems I have been having with one girl to Amy and she brushes it off because the girl is her little buddy.

I seriously didn't want to come to work today. I used to like coming to work (obviously when I worked other places). It reminds me of Grade 5 when I started to hate going to school (very uncharacteristic of me, I loved school) and that was only because our teacher yelled at us, calling us names and physically disciplining us. This is actually pretty similar. In fact Amy kind of reminds me of that teacher- except she doesn't have long, sharp nails.

I'm allowed to get a new job as of July 15th, so if you are in the Vancouver area and in need of someone awesome, with excellent written skills (don't let the blog fool you) who is a quick learner and really funny (again, don't let the blog fool you) then let's talk!

Hup Holland Hup!

Friday, June 11, 2010

Nelson Mandela

I thought that my old cubicle was depressing. I was wrong. It had a window, allowing for the illusion of some kind of freedom. This new box has beige walls pressing in on me and less space. No World Cup TV. And Amy.

Yeah I'm definitely moving on up.

I've been reading Nelson Mandela's autobiography Long Walk To Freedom and last night it struck me that while imprisoned on Robben Island, Nelson Mandela had it better than me. Hear me out.

So he's in prison, and conditions are admittedly pretty horrendous in terms of food, space and clothes. Its prison. They are also made to do manual labour. For Nelson Mandela this means mining lime (initially it was breaking boulders into gravel). He actually says that the guards had a laissez-faire attitude to their work: as long as they got the work done, they didn't care how much they talked.

Seriously. As a political prisoner who the government was terrified would start some kind of revolution from within, Nelson Mandela was allowed to talk as much as he wanted. Yesterday when having a chat we were asked if we were on a break and since we weren't to please get back to work because talking is a distraction.


He even had a window.

I really miss my window.

Here's another thing I learned from Nelson Mandela: rate-of-work. The guards would set them quotas for the day's work and then increase them every day. In the end Nelson Mandela decided that they would control their rate of work to irritate the guards. They were working so they couldn't do anything, but they weren't working very quickly.

Remember the whole printer thing? How I can't print from the printer that's sitting on my new desk and how I have to walk across the office to get my print outs? Well I have decided that every time I print something I will walk over to retrieve it. I don't want to get my work mixed up with someone else's now do I? Also, it will be an effective way to practice this rate-of-work business. And waste their time.

Mona, when you recommended this book to me did you ever dream that Nelson Mandela and I would have so much in common?

So in honour of my totally sh*t week, I decided that this was the perfect morning to run back to Starbucks and reconcile our differences. Starbucks really came through for me, wrapping me in his warm embrace like nothing had ever happened to part us.

Finally, since this week has been such a f*cking trial, I have had to come up with ways to cheer myself up, mostly after work, so that I didn't hurt other people or dissolve in tears. The following are some of the things that seemed to work.

Playing Crazy 8s. Admittedly a childish game but also really fun. Doesn't require a lot of skill, easy to win. Fun to win. I like to win. The Boyfriend obliges me by being crap at it.

The Golden Girls. I know that Fidgeting Gidget will know exactly what I mean by this. If you haven't watched an episode recently, do. You will laugh and your bad day will instantly melt away.

90s Teen Movies. Can't Hardly Wait was on last night and it made me remember a) how great 1998 was and b) how great teen party movies of the 90s were. I was thisclose to putting in Clueless but The Boyfriend stopped me. Apparently there was a basketball game on?

Alcohol. Is delicious. Trying not to get in the habit of drinking alone. Trying.

Plotting Their Demise. Veronica is off to South Africa. Its not crazy to hope that she gets eaten by lions or caught in a stampede of raging rhinos. As for Amy- falling into a manhole? Some horrible, but treatable, disease? Leg break? I'm taking suggestions. Its fun to dream.

It took a long time and it wasn't easy, but its Friday kids. First World Cup weekend! Drink, laugh, be futbol hooligans!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Worst Surprise Ever

Its like I brought this on myself. Yesterday I discussed how my office is like kindergarten, today all our desks are shuffled and I have to sit with the teacher.

Remember that? How when the noise levels got to be too much, you were having too much fun in your group and your teacher would create a new seating plan, putting the behaviourally challenged kid at the desk right beside her?

Yeah, that's what happened. I'm coming to you today from the desk beside Amy's. And I am not happy about it.

The department is going to be gone in approximately 3 months so what purpose is served by shuffling everyone around now? The move cost them about 30 hours in lost productivity and doesn't make any sense in terms of who does what.

Not to mention the fact that I'm totally being punished and I would really like to know what for. No reason was given in the email announcing the shuffle and I'm sure if anyone asked, it would be one of "because" or "we just wanted a change." I've played their game for the better part of a year now and I'm still getting punished. I got a token raise, I'm still always suspected of bad behaviour and now this.

I'm seriously so f*cking tired of this. It took a lot of strength not to just walk out of the office yesterday. I think it took more this morning to come back in.

And Amy? Is being such a cow!

She moved me away from my printer and the printer that is on my new desk I can't use because its on the wrong network. When I asked about this situation she gave me her stone face and said "I guess we will just make it work."

When I was carrying a heavy monitor (oh yes, we got to move our own computers and hook them back up) and probably looking none to pleased about it she decided to get in touch with her inner smarta$$ and told me to "Smile!"

I hate being told to "smile!"

She actually thought that I was going to crawl under my desk to hook up all the computer cables too. 1. I'm wearing a dress. 2. I'm not an IT person and 3. This move was not my idea. So no, I will not be crawling under my desk. You can though. And so it came to pass that Amy crawled under my desk to hook up my computer cables.

So to recap. They gave me a token raise. They wrote me up a year ago. I get treated like sh*t. And now I have to sit with Amy. They took away my window (I used to have a window, such a comfort) and the big screen TV in the italian jewellery store across the street- right before the World Cup starts.

All of this begs the question: Are they trying to make me quit?

Lily (the girl who used to sit here) says not to worry, that Amy doesn't notice anything. To prove her point she reminded me of the time that she had a walking pneumonia, was at her desk, passed out and on the ground for 5 minutes before someone (not Amy who was sitting there the entire time) even noticed.

She makes a good point. But I'm still not happy about the situation.

This will probably affect my posting regularity. It could be all over the place as I wait for Amy to take lunches and go to meetings. Bear with me!

Cherry on my day? My lunch date just cancelled.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Kindergarten vs. Cubicle

I have returned to my Cubicle. Feels like I never left.

Actually it feels like Monday all over again. Simultaneously it feels like Thursday. Needless to say I'm pretty confused. Which seems to be entertaining some of my less-a$$hat-ish colleagues.

So all week I have been promising that I would come up with some kind of themed post. Today I will actually follow through.

Today's theme is: Kindergarten.

Remember kindergarten? The finger painting? The water table? Show-and-tell? Kindergarten was great. For the most part. There were some things about kindergarten that weren't so great.

Enter the Cubicle.

Turns out that in some ways Cubicle life is like kindergarten.

In kindergarten when you got in trouble you were probably told to sit in the corner. Little did you know then how much you were practicising for when you got a cubicle job and spent entire days facing the wall, discouraged from interacting with your peers.

When you were in kindergarten there was so much to learn. And your teacher would take the time to explain even the simplest things to you like you were a 6-year-old (which was a big deal in say, September, when you were in fact, just 5). In a cubicle world, managers are superior to you in every way so they make sure to explain everything to you like you are a 5-year-old (insulting even in kindergarten). When you were in kindergarten these explanations served to help you understand the world around you. In your cubicle, these explanations serve no purpose.

In order for you and your peers to learn the alphabet and all the other exciting things you covered in kindergarten you had to learn when it was appropriate to talk with your classmates and when you needed to work. When you forgot, your teacher gently reminded you to focus on your workbook. Its pretty similar in the Cubicle, except that there is never an appropriate time to socialize with your colleagues because you are here to work. And also, instead of a gentle reminder to work, there are belittling emails sent around.

Eventually you leave kindergarten behind and before you know it you have arrived in highschool, where everything matters so much more. Turns out the skills you learn as you navigate the social minefield that is highschool will serve you in good stead when you arrive in your very own cubicle.

Remember how clique-y highschool was? Remember how much you hated that? Welcome to the Cubicle, where managers have favourites and you get stuffed in a locker. In highschool there were the popular girls and the jocks; in the office, managers think they are rockstars and take their mediocrity out on you.

In highschool we used to get detentions for being late or for having your shirt untucked (Catholic school). Detention was either a source of shame or a badge of honour but you served it no matter what. Detentions don't officially exist in the Cubicle, but they might as well. If you're late to your cubicle job, you have to make up the time. If you break the dress code (unless you are a supervisor, then the same rules don't apply), you will have a meeting to discuss it. See? Detention.

Are you a little impressed that I managed to twist all this to serve my own purposes? Yeah, me too.

Hump Day. We're halfway to Weekend!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Mental Health Day

I said that I would think of something to post for today that made sense and had a theme and then I went and took a mental health day.

My alarm clock went off this morning and I could not even face getting out of bed and dealing with work. So I made an executive decision (seriously our executives are never actually in the office) and called it in. I didn't even give them a pretend excuse. I just said I wasn't coming in and that I would see them tomorrow.

End of discussion.

You know what might have made me come to work? An appropriate raise this year.

Maybe. Guess we'll never know since I got a crappy raise. I'm not even sure that legally they are allowed to call what I got a raise.

But I digress.

Not that I had a point. Mostly I just missed posting anything today. I've become addicted to publishing rambling trains of thought on the internet for my own enjoyment.

Perhaps you all are wondering why I needed a mental health day. To you I say, clearly you haven't been paying attention to what I have been saying on this here blog.

But actually there is more to it.

Last week The Boyfriend and I bought an apartment. If you have been following my ramblings for a while you will know that I have been paying dues in my cubicle hell so that we could buy a place and then I could quit.

In my fantasy I get to quit. In real life I have to find another job first.

So yesterday I spent part of my work day trying to start the job search. Problem: I have no idea what I'm doing. The jobs I have had (and I've only had 2 real jobs, the rest were jobs that involved getting yelled at over coupon availability) I got because of someone I've known. So left to my own idea.

Then there is the conundrum of do I stay here until I find something that I can potentially turn into a career? Or do I just jump ship at the first opportunity? Do I really even know what I want to do now that I can do whatever I want?

Did I mention that I was battling myself while I was still in my Cubicle?

Then I went home to sign the mortgage papers only to be told that nothing could change until we actually take possession.

My head exploded.

I swear that the last week has aged me.

Tomorrow? A proper post. Thank you for bearing with me. And I'm sorry that you read this whole thing.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Cheerful F*ckers

I did not sleep well last night. We watched 2 more episodes of season 4 of The Tudors and I was nauseous for a good hour afterwards. Odd how difficult it is to drift away in peaceful slumber when you are trying not to puke.

I mean, its not like I don't know what happens- I'm pretty well versed in Tudor history. I guess I just wasn't expecting it to be I can't even revisit it. I will throw up.

Seriously, think of something else to talk about before I vomit.

Monday! Its Monday!

Yup, that'll do it.

I guess the silver lining of making myself ill (thanks to the magic of television) is that if I actually get sick at work I will have no choice but to go home.

But I really despise throwing up.

Wow we're off to a good start today aren't we? Vomit and gore. Classic. Really though, doesn't this sum up how I feel about Mondays? It really does.

Anyway, I'm tired. And for some reason, the people in my office are f*cking cheerful. Which only serves to make me want to lash out at them and make them miserable. One girl cracked a redbull in the kitchen. I can respect that, if only because she spent the night with redbull and jager. An excellent way to prepare for the workweek. So redbull at 9am seems reasonable. Except that redbull makes me think of vodka. And its too early for me to think about the lovely anasthetic wave that is vodka.

Then this other girl literally bounces into the kitchen with a cheery "good morning!" like she's some Disney f*cking princess. It is most certainly not a good morning. Its cold, and raining, I'm here and I'm still not reconciled with Starbucks. So what part of it, exactly, is good?

I usually reserve reading my horoscope until later in the day, to see if its accurate. But today I needed to know just what kind of day I was going to have. Turns out, its actually going to be good. Something fantastic has happened and more good things are on their way. And apparently I deserve it.

Which, of course, I do. Do you think this means that I'm getting a puppy? I would really like a puppy. An adorable little baby dog to cuddle.

I think thats where my horoscope was going. Fellow Pisces, we're getting puppies.

World Cup starts on Friday! This would be a lot more exciting if this didn't also mean that Veronica was heading to South Africa to experience it firsthand. I can't openly discuss how excited I am (Hup Holland!) without having to listen to her trip itinerary. And it will be a cold day in hell (incidentally, it is a little chilly in here today) before I provide Veronica with opportunities to gloat about South Africa.

No, no, only the negative side effects of malaria pills from me (thank you Marshall).

That said, I am totally going to try and paint little Dutch flags on my orange nails. First game is next Monday!

Other than that, its Monday guys so I'm just trying to concentrate on drinking my tea and not hurting my overly cheerful co-workers. I will think of an actual topic for tomorrow so that we don't have this happen again.

My hands smell like strawberries.

I'm not going anywhere with that, its just something I noticed and wanted to share. It being Monday is the only excuse I can offer.

Friday, June 4, 2010


We made it. Another glorious Friday. Just a few more hours until the weekend folks!

But before that, I think I have to endure an office birthday today. Not just any office birthday either. The head honcho office birthday. And you know how I love me some office birthdays (for those of you just joining us, I do not like office birthdays at all. I find them forced and often the cake is sh*t. There is no excuse for sh*tty cake). So if this is the head honcho's birthday, you know there is going to be some Grade A a$$ kissing.

Should be quite a spectacle.

Its very quiet in here today. Anna just told me that Veronica won't be in today, which I didn't realize. Apparently she has gone to Calgary for some reason? I really wish that she had mentioned that before so that I would have known.

And yes, that was sarcasm.

Hate to say it but without Veronica here, Friday is not going to feel like Friday. I think that the sound of laughter hurts Amy's soul, she seems offended when people are having fun at work. I mean I'd probably be offended too, if I had studied fashion at school with the dreams of working for a designer some day, only to end up here. She'll be here forever- remember that Turd Furgason (her brother) got his own business- she'll be working for him.

It'd be tragic if she didn't have a tendency to be such a b*tch.

Has anyone else found this week really hard to get through? Now that its Friday I find that I am exhausted. Like completely done. When I got home last night I barely had the energy to decide what to watch on TV. I'm not even kidding. I watched the news twice because I couldn't be bothered to change the channel. Is it the weather? Boredom? The comedown after the euphora experienced on John's "last" day (Anna thinks he will show his fugly [no that is not a typo] face here today for the head honcho birthday. Gotta keep up the a$$ kissing you know?)? Who knows.

I also liked the 2 back-to-back question marks, thank you for noticing.

Maybe its all the drinking I participated in this week? I'm not normally a week-day drinker (obviously there have been and will be exceptions, but that only serves to prove the rule). But this week. It happened. Often. Monday there was the celebratory rum. Tuesday there was wine before the Opera (again, because I'm classy like that). Wednesday was a bottle of wine with my friend who does my hair. After that I came home tipsy and did my nails. The results of which I'm still sporting and which I'm not totally thrilled with. A word of advice: if you are going to do your nails tipsy, a french manicure is probably not what you want to attempt.

OK Anna just told me to hurry up and post already. I didn't realize that I was on some kind of schedule. Jerk. Yeah that's right Anna, I'm calling you a jerk. On the internet. So now its true.

Some hijinx to end the week off right.

Our mail guy (mail guy, male guy, get it? hilarious yes?) took all the blue elastics and made 2 elastic balls out of them. Then he joined them together. Now we are forever passing on the "blue balls". We hang them off people's monitors, leave them on desks, whatever. Maurice had the blue balls (right? how is this not hilarious?) and passed them off to this girl who did not think it was that funny. So we all blamed Maurice and told him to stop sexually harassing people.

Would probably turn ugly if we were supervised, but Veronica is away (not that she wouldn't be joining in, she would be taking the lead) and Amy is interviewing Mensa candidates to join the "team" so...nothing is going to get done today.

I'm fine with that.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

An Inspiring Ending

You guys? Today? The words are not gelllin'. I started going on about how last night I was unsupervised (The Boyfriend was at work) and decided to watch Toddlers & Tiaras. But then I was ashamed of myself so I tried to write another fairy tale. And that didn't go well at all.

So now I'm just left with the option of rambling on about nothing. Admittedly I'm good at this, I did spend 4 plus years in university doing just that, but it feels like such a cop out.

The Cubicle has not been all that inspiring this week. There were some bright spots, like when the Oddball presented me with that gem of a conversation. But since the return of Amy, all creativity, laughter and joy has been effectively quashed. Its hard to believe that it was only Monday that was John's last day. Honestly I feel like that was a lifetime ago. The joy that I felt that day, followed up with the freedom of the employment survey...all those good feelings have completely disappeared and been replaced by anger, disgust and despair.

I can feel my bullsh*t tolerance falling quickly. Like I'm in danger of a rage stroke. I gave something to Veronica to double check because I wasn't sure that I had done it correctly. She passes it some minion with no explanation who asks me what to do with it. I told her I just needed someone to double check that I did it right. And she's like " I will just do a new one and hand it back to you?".

No. Because it needs to be processed. Which I don't do. You need to f*cking process it.

Apparently Veronica is going to be on some call and if we could "keep it down a little, that would be awesome"

My head hurts. I might scream.

We can do it though right? Office Warriors unite and all that? We will shed our cubicle bonds in another 48 hours, to live our weekends the way we want to live them. Perhaps we will start by drowning the week in beer and/or vodka. Maybe eating your frustration is the way you go. You might be one of those people that runs off their irritation. We will all be there together, joining spirits to proclaim that this? Is our time!

Sleeping in! Watching movies! Running-errands-you-can't-do-during-the-week-because-you-have-jerks-for-managers-that-don't-allow-you-to-get-things-done-from-9-5! Reconnecting with your friends that you don't see during the week because all your energy was spent at work trying not to destroy your computer! Reading! Going for walks! Drinking! Pedicures! Shopping! Video games! Flea markets!

Two glorious days for us to do with what we want. On Monday we will all be back here. But we will have our spirits rejuvenated. We will be better able to handle the sh*t that flies our way, the incompetences we deal with and the people that make our professional lives a misery.

Hang in there Office Warriors. Tomorrow our weekend begins. Make it a good one. You've f*cking earned it.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Missed The Boat

I am so exhausted today. I went out to the Opera last night (I know, I'm tres cultured like that) and got home late. I didn't sleep well (despite the wine in my system) and woke up to a tiny spring shower.

And by spring shower, I mean spring monsoon. Hey, weather gods? Its June ok? Let's try a little sunshine perhaps? I'm not asking for a heatwave (please, no heat wave) but some sunshine? Some sunshine can't hurt.

So there is exhaustion and then there is crappy weather and then there is the spirit of douche hovering over the office.

Oh yeah. Once I got my butt on the bus (there might have been an incident with a stairwell door and my inability to open it) I got a text: John just walked in. Bad omen for the day.

Universe, really?!? You gave me one John-free day? Really?!? I would like a full refund please.

Luckily (for him) he was gone by the time I got to the office so I didn't actually see him. But his dipsh*tness lingers still.

It was bound to happen right? A crappy day? There has been a string of decidedly not-so-sh*tty days recently so we had to have a bad one to kind of even things out again. Even though I'm definitely getting a headache, this is not a hangover. This, is a hangover. Last night was a tasteful evening at the Opera mkay? Not a pub night. This headache is my body revolting against its Cubicle bonds.

Silver lining/bright side? Yesterday we got to do our employee survey. You know, the one where they ask you to agree, slightly agree, disagree, slightly disagree on a number of things including work/life balance, management style, environmental policies etc? Then at the end you get to leave comments? My favourite day at work is when we get the email to please complete the survey.

I realize that this doesn't say a whole lot about how I feel about my place of work. But we have covered that before. A lot.

So I strongly disagreed with pretty much everything (except the part about how I give my all every day) and while I'm not harbouring any illusions about this making an iota of difference to the policies and procedures in place, it still felt damn good to get to do it.

OK folks, I think that this is the end of the line today. I'm going for a second cup of tea now. But I will leave you with this, courtesy of an email I got from The Record this morning:

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

How Purolator Made My Day

Last week Veronica left the office on a work errand. She made sure that we knew that it was a work errand, and not a break. Because she was still taking all her breaks. Sure, whatever. Maybe she had to run out and get paper, pick up mail--I have no idea what constitutes a work errand here since everything is pretty much done online or on the phone (so that the socially inept really don't have to leave the office and deal with people ever), but she wouldn't lie about that!

She returned 20 minutes later. Her work errand? Shopping for an outfit for her trip to Calgary this weekend. I'm pretty sure that that wouldn't fly if Amy had been here. But others disagree and think that Amy would have just gone with if she hadn't been on vacation. And those people might be onto something.

So that's one thing.

Here's another:

Every day the Purolator guy comes in and Veronica makes nice (not because he's hot, he's not. I'm not sure why she is always all sunshine and light with him, he doesn't seem particularly nice either). Yesterday she felt the need to tell him that she was going away. This is what happened.

Veronica: I'm going away for 5 weeks!
Purolator Guy: oh? For 5 weeks?
V: yeah! I'm going on vacation! (duh)
PG: where?
V: South Africa!
PG: ?
V: South Africa!
PG: oh? really?
V: yeah!! (she's getting really excited now and is just about to launch into the reason: World Cup Soccer)
PG: oh. Its just that I wouldn't go to South Africa for anything really.

Now aside from the fact that the Purolator guy is kind of ridiculous (because honestly, who wouldn't want to go to South Africa??) this was really awesome. He has been the only person (aside from Anna and yours truly) that haven't fallen all over themselves to hear all the details about her upcoming trip. And this guy doesn't even know her so he can't possibly know what a tool she can be. Or maybe he does know. Maybe he's one of those people that has really accurate first impressions? Either way, serious props to the Purolator guy (except for the part where he doesn't want to go to South Africa, that's just crazy talk). You made my morning.

Finally. I was just minding my own business yesterday afternoon, slaving away at the office like I'm wont to do because I? Am an excellent employee (and may soon be available for anyone in the Vancouver area looking for someone awesome), when I get a message from the Oddball. Usually fairly harmless, if a little too apt to overshare (ie " then I found out my real dad actually killed a man...How are you liking your book?").

Out of nowhere this is the message she sends me:

I need to vent about something and I think you will agree with me: 40 year old men should be mature enough to not taking things that happen in role playing games so seriously that it affects their real life friendships. Its really annoying. He's got the 3 of us feeling like crap because he can't figure out that an evil fairy queen is a b*tch and we don't actually hate him in real life

1. Since when are full grown men mature? Really? Its part of their charm and part of their curse. But maturity and males. Not so much.
2. The 3 of who?
3. Role playing?
4. How is this something that you think I have expertise in or would agree with you on? I don't even know what you are saying! Am I giving out some kind of vibe?

And so ended my day. I posted in the evening. Scroll down! Its adorable.