Monday, May 31, 2010

Photo Finish

Today's Monday is a celebration! And what's a celebration without booze and Pablo Escobar? Now that Monday is over, John has been banished from our office forever (at least that's what happened in my head), and I have a drink in my hand (mmmm rum, why you taste so good?) its time to wrap up the festivities with a little peek at what little Pablo spent his day doing:

Clearly Pablo carried on with his Monday as if nothing major was happening. He's still going to sleep on the bed and there's nothing you can do about it.

We made it through Monday! Bacardiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

Dear John: Bite Me

I'm kind of sleepy and the weekend was nothing if not hella stressful, but today? This Monday? Is going to be the best damn Monday this office has ever seen.

That's probably not saying a whole lot because I don't think that this place has actually seen any good Mondays. But if it had, today would still be the best one.

Today is John's last day.

Sure he is still going to be working for the same company. And actually he will be making more money and completely in charge of his own professional destiny. But none of that matters to me. What matters is that I won't have to see his ugly, grinning face anymore. That he won't interfere in anything to do with me or my daily tasks. He won't be walking around, leering over my shoulder or checking up on me. He won't be able to have me in for little pow-wows anymore. Did I mention that I won't have to see his ugly face again?

In honour of his last day, I have written him this little note.

Dear John,

Today is your last day here! Congratulations on getting far enough up the a$$es of the executives to be given your own business! You're a real go-getter aren't you? I'm sorry that I didn't sign your going away card properly. I thought long and hard about what I wanted to say to you but realized that none of it would fit in the card so I just went with my name. Some might say that writing my name is one word more than you deserve, but what can I say? I'm forgiving.

I forgive you for questioning my mental health. I forgive you for hauling me in and giving me a dressing down at the end of the day when I was on my way to my sister's Confirmation. I forgive you for making me think of 50 things that I liked about this job (I still can't even think of 10, maybe 3?). I forgive you for promising me an ergonomic keyboard and not following through. Its not like I expected you to keep a promise. You're a manager after all. What would the world be like if managers kept their promises? Its a world I want no part of!

Don't worry. I'll never forget you. How could I forget the guy that came in here telling us all that you were going to make positive changes after the departure of the douche-bag-manager-with-no-first-name? You got us to open up about the challenges that we faced in the work place and then you used them against us. You taught me to always be wary of my supervisors, cover my a$$ (don't think I don't have a log of all your missteps, I do), and that morals don't apply in the business world.

What's that? You're not aware that I know about the indiscretion with your practically-married best friend? Oh, but I am. See, the person that got me this job? Your best friend's significant other. Good job though. I can see how that seemed like a good decision at the time. I mean you're in an open relationship, your best friend isn't, but its Palm Springs so anything goes. Who cares that you worked with the significant other?

I pretty much hated you on sight, long before I knew that you were a douche. You had adult braces and short sleeves. You carried your lunch in a bag and you wore a backpack. Seriously. I had worked here for 2 days and needed your IT support and you spoke to me as if I had a mental deficiency. I wanted to punch you.

Now that we are on the other side of all that John, I wish you nothing but the best. And by best I mean, I hope that you run your business into the ground. I hope that you work with people that undermine and disrespect you. I will not be joining you all for your farewell luncheon or partaking of your cake. I couldn't enjoy my food if it was anywhere near you. Also, I'm sorry that I didn't contribute to your gift. I figured you would understand that I'm too poor since you pay me in Nibs. Its too bad that there isn't a party later eh? You could get blind drunk, stoned , and take inappropriate pictures with your co-workers again. FUN!

I'm sure that this place won't be the same without you. People will probably be more relaxed, more work will get done without your constant coffee breaks, and we can only benefit from a decidedly less douche-y aura about the place.

Good riddance John. If I ever see you on the street somewhere, I will cross to the other side.

Bite me


Friday, May 28, 2010

The One Where I Use Brackets (A Lot)

I need your collective karmas and good thoughts directed at me today. More specifically at the beautiful apartment that I saw last night that I need to live in. Please direct your good thoughts at the owners and convince them that they need to lower the price (the unit is overpriced) for my mental well being.

In return I will tell you some funny/idiotic things that have happened to me in the past 24 hours. I'm all about the give and take guys. You give and I take (at this point there would be some drums in the corner that would be all "ba dum dum shoo" or something [that sound effect is probably grossly inaccurate. I do have a problem creating realistic sound effects but I hope you get the gist?])

The day before yesterday I announced that I would like a woman in the office to bake and bring in oatmeal chocolate chip cookies for me. They arrived yesterday. In a Tinkerbell bag. She brought a bag for me and a bag for The Boyfriend (Cars themed bag, more manly). Because these cookies are possibly the best oatmeal chocolate chip cookies ever made I ate one right away. And then another one. I don't think I need to tell you where this went. By the time The Boyfriend picked me up I had about 4 cookies left. Three by the time we got home. Willpower? What's willpower?

Obviously in the evening we went to see the apartments. Apparently in an effort to make us look more respectable (or something), our realtor told the other realtor that The Boyfriend and I had recently gotten married. Because she makes chit chat for a living the other realtor said to us "so you've recently gotten married?" which prompted all sorts of laughter from The Boyfriend and I. We get this all the time from both sets of parents. And now our realtor. Fantastic.

This morning? Tough. All week I have been relaxed and zen (I really like that word these days) and getting up to go to work has not been that much of an effort. This morning, it was a lot of effort. I'm amazed that I didn't fall asleep on the couch watching Today (they can be really antagonistic to the people they interview eh?) I was that tired.

We, being the amazing housekeepers that we are, neglected to run the dishwasher last night. When I went to make toast this morning (no oatmeal, all the bowls were dirty and in the dishwasher) there was a) barely enough bread and b) no knives for spreading because...they were all dirty and in the dishwasher. Rather than clean a dirty knife (an idea which seriously did not occur to me until right this minute) I used a teaspoon. Yeah. A teaspoon.

(I just came across someone who's last name is Boogers. We've been having a good chuckle about that one. Because we? Are mature like that.)

When it was time to leave I decided on a pair of nice wedge heels. They are pink. But I don't want you to get the wrong idea that they are barbie pink or anything obnoxious like that. I'm not going to the club you know (although I would totally rock them if I had them). They are like a dusty rose? But brighter? Anyway. They are nice. But my feet? I don't know whats wrong with them- its always something. Today one felt kind of bruised, but like in the bones. I realize that I'm not making any sense, bare with me. I'm walking down the street, beside this old man, to catch the bus. All of a sudden I totally almost fall. So much so that the old man, who isn't having any trouble walking, says "whoa! be careful, you don't want to fall!". I sure don't mister, I sure don't.

Then the bus turns the corner and I'm still half a block away. The bus was totally early. Not cool. So now I have to run. Which I do and I make it, but my headphones fall out and I don't know how I didn't trip all over them in my attempt to make it to the bus. While I'm pulling out my bus pass for inspection, a woman on the bus points out that my headphones are on the ground and I'm pretty well crushing them with my pretty shoes. If they had stopped working I think I would have got off the bus and called it a day.

You guys? We made it to Friday. Enjoy your weekend (a nice long one if you live in the States), lord knows we all deserve it!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Wanted: New Hires That Don't Suck

So the office is feeling a little empty since the departure of 3 colleagues (2 were fired and one moved on to bigger and better). Even though we will be obsolete within about 4 months this is the perfect time to hire on some new people.

Guess who's job it was to start the search?

If you guessed Veronica you are right! Johnny, tell them what they won!

No you didn't win anything. Its not that kind of blog.

Anyway, yesterday one of Veronica's tasks was to find out if they could hire on some new temps, if so how many and to start the process.

I got to listen to her conversation with the temp agency.You're so jealous right now. Apparently we are looking for 3, possibly 4 people (they have to hire 2 people to do the job that one person they fired did, makes sense right?), that are able to work effectively on a team that has collective targets, and are willing to work in a business casual 9-5 environment.

Sounds like a dream doesn't it?

Anna and I are both so thrilled that our lack of raises has allowed them to have the budget capacity to hire on an additional 3, maybe 4 people. That these people will get to share the joy that we have in our jobs each and every day is just icing on the proverbial cake.

Listening to her make this place sound all utopian I wanted to scream. Why? Because she is so full of sh*t!

Let's go through this step by step shall we?

Team environment? Please. The only thing that is remotely team like about this place is that we all get in trouble for the mistakes of the few. We all collectively get painted with the same brush. If Joe Shmoe comes in 5 minutes late, we're all 5 minutes late and get to read an email entitled "Housekeeping" about what it means when you are 5 minutes late. God forbid they just let it go. She should have told them that we all work in our little boxes quietly for several hours and that if they were talkers this probably wasn't the right environment for them.

Collective targets? No. We each have different jobs that don't really mesh together. The only time we are all put on the same task is when Amy notices that we are starting to fall behind and that's probably only because John or someone else above her starts riding her a$$. The rules are always changing and no one seems to know what the correct process is at any given time. No, no. Veronica was better off letting them know that the new hires would be given tasks to complete with no clear guidelines, rules or people available to provide correct answers to their questions.

Business casual. Don't make me laugh. Technically we have a dress code. And most of us follow it more or less. You know who doesn't? Amy and Veronica. Weird because they are all, like, in charge and stuff and should totally be setting the example. But they don't. Amy likes to wear cords, which I'm not sure, but doesn't seem to fit in the business casual dress code. As for Veronica. Well she likes tank tops, flip flops, cleavage and ill fitting pants. If she is wearing a strapless dress she drapes a shawl over her shoulders. Short skirts and club apparel also seem to make fairly frequent appearances around the office while some of the guys prefer dressing like Jay-Z. So a more accurate description probably would have been "we don't allow jeans but pretty much everything else goes. Unless we don't like you and then nothing is ever acceptable"

Nine to 5? Really? Really? I don't think anyone here actually works a 9-5 day. There are all kinds of exceptions for school or other jobs and commute time. I work 8.30-4.30 (commute time). There are 8-4s and 7-3s. Some people work 8-5 so that they can bank holiday time (I'm looking at you temps). Point is, almost no one here actually works 9-5. But don't try and skip your lunch or a break to take off an hour earlier. Its ok if its a "one off" but don't make it a habit and also "make sure that you finish all your work before you leave" (this happened to me yesterday. Like I'm friggin' Cinderella). Veronica should have just told them that 9-5 is the preferred schedule but really anything goes as long as they are here for 8 hours.

With Veronica's guidelines I wonder what kind of miscreants we are going to get this time around. The last time we did a hiring blitz we did so well .

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Coffee Run

Our system wasn't working this morning. Well one of our systems (we work on 2) wasn't working. But its amazing how little work we are able to do without that one system.

What do you do when your manager is away, your acting manager doesn't know what to do about the lack of system and you don't particularly care to help find a solution?

You sort paper. Turns out I'm a really good paper sorter. There were like 3 different piles that the paper could go in and it was my job to figure out which pile. Huge responsibility. I really hope that I did it right. The future of the world depends on it you guys.

After that, the system still wasn't up and running so Veronica came over to me and had a "special" job for me. I was so flattered. I mean, I have obviously proven to her that I am capable of taking on important tasks and completing them efficiently. Was I going to help her run the department today? Check other people's completed work?


I was going to get coffee and donuts for the office.

No word of a lie. She was sending me on a coffee run.

I managed to convince her that I would not be able to carry all the coffee so she decided she would come with me (took so much convincing too). Mostly I just didn't want her to think that she was capable of sending me on a coffee run. I'm a lot of things, but I'm nobody's coffee b*tch ok?

We didn't even end up bringing any coffee back (hello? we have it in the office?), just donuts and muffins. I feel like its a kind of triumph for the tea drinkers out there.

Unfortunately by the time we got back the system was back up and running so I didn't get to make a step by step chart on how to do my job (you know so that other people could learn how to do it by following my masterful instructions). Maurice is away today so I get to do his job. Not that Maurice would ever do my job in my absence, but its all about priorities people. Plus, honestly a chimp could do Maurice's job.That's why its Maurice's job.

Today I am that chimp.

When the system was down, our phones were also down (they are on the same system) so we couldn't call to get it sorted out. John (he's here for just 4 more work days!) decided to deal with it. At 8.30 (after we had all already known that the system was down for a while) he sent an email letting us know that the phones and system were down. We all carried on and when the system was back on shortly after 9 we knew it and got back to work. I just got an email from him a half hour after the system has been back on that the phones and such should be back on momentarily.

Which begs the question: what the hell purpose does John even serve? I mean, Veronica has done a better job dealing with this. And that doesn't say a whole lot about John. But by all means, give John his own business.

This place you guys. Its like working in some alternate cubicle universe. Its like I'm Alice and I fell down the rabbit hole. I'm at the Mad Hatter's tea party or something and they are all going on about un-birthdays and I have no idea what's going on but I'm definitely not drinking the water.

All in all I would say that it was an eventful morning. Well as eventful a morning as one can have in a cubicle world.

Its Hump day. Which is so much better than the Tuesday it feels like!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Alcohol And Steak

I'm pretty zen this morning. Which is weird. For all intents and purposes, today is a Monday. But I don't care. I feel...content. An odd feeling to have at work. Perhaps something is very wrong with me. That must be it. I'm dying and this is a symptom.

Mostly I think it was the lake and the alcohol and the steak and the poker playing this weekend that has helped to get me to this state of mind. When I say it like that it sounds like I'm a guy and went away with my buddies. I actually went away with The Boyfriend to see his parents. But they are clearly a bunch of drunk card sharks.

So Veronica is acting manager and starts her emails with things like "Since I'm the manager this week" and says things like "I'm the manager!". But it doesn't have any affect on me. I don't care. She could clomp around in high heels naked as a jay bird screaming about being a manager and I wouldn't care. Honestly, she pretty well does that, except for the whole naked thing and now that I have gone there with that visual...there is going to have to be some brain scrubbing. She might be taking this manager status thing a touch too far though. That. Was my point.

My spy in the office (Anna) told me that after Anna had made a "that's what she said" joke (Veronica's very favourite kind of joke), Veronica told her she should reprimand her for making inappropriate jokes (really?). Anna was like well I can't work because you all are distracting me to which Veronica replied that she shouldn't say that because then they won't be allowed to talk anymore and Anna was all "well its true" and then Veronica was like "how can you talk to your manager like that?"

Um. Probably because you're not actually a manager. Despite your chart of effective leadership qualities you're still just a minion. And also- really?!

She is going to South Africa in about 3 weeks. To prevent her excitement from getting the better of her I decided that today we would discuss malaria and how much it sucks. See I get eaten alive by mosquitos so I imagine I would probably get malaria (although, progress! This weekend in mosquito country I only got bit 3 times!). Since Veronica has an overactive imagination and worries about everything improbable (she's mostly worried about getting raped and mugged while on vacation) I thought a gentle reminder about malaria was in order. Dont' forget to take those nasty malaria pills every day! She's totally worrying about it right now. Less brain space for "I'm the manager!" thoughts this way.

Everybody wins.

So Maurice went to see Iron Man 2 this weekend. So did Veronica. Discussions were in order. I jumped in because a) I'm going to see it this week and b) only good things can come of a Maurice/Veronica discussion. I was totally rewarded. First by an anecdote about a wobbly movie seat that Veronica's boyfriend decided to remove from the theatre (why wouldn't you?), then something about the hammer of Thor and finally Don Cheadle. I love Don Cheadle, Veronica loves Don Cheadle, you all love Don Cheadle, Maurice...doesn't know who he is. How does Veronica explain an illustrious career that has included Hotel Rwanda, Crash and Ocean's 11 (to name a very few)? Referring to Iron Man 2: "You know, the black guy".

We've come so far you guys. So far.

Even after recounting all the ridiculousness that is my professional life, I still feel pretty damn zen. I recommend a weekend away for all. It will do you a world of good. Also. Stieg Larsson's new book The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest came out sooner than I thought, is now in my possession and makes all things better. Except that right now I have to work and can't read it.

Also- its not actually Monday!

Friday, May 21, 2010

Surprise Post

We all know that I'm at the lake. Right now I'm probably sleeping. In a warm and cozy log bed (oh yeah, a log bed). On the off chance that I'm awake (and believe me I'm not) I'm probably sitting in an adirondack chair on the porch with a book, staring at the lake. Well at the tree line, in between which I can totally see the lake.

But in an effort to get better at all this technical blog stuff I'm attempting to write this before I leave and have it autopost itself in the future. Did you know that blogger could do that? I didn't either. I learned it. From a book. Book learnin'- that's some crazy sh*t.

I took this from Breenuh . Go say hi!

1. What is your favorite word? I feel like I should have an answer for this...but I really can't think of a favourite word!

2. What is your least favorite word? no.

3. What turns you on? humour.

4. What turns you off? a$$holes. stupidity

5. What sound or noise do you love? the sound of certain shoes on the ground. You know, before I fall down.

6. What sound or noise do you hate? my alarm clock! The Boyfriend tests his alarm every night just to make sure it works and mostly it makes me want to kick his face in.

7. What is your favorite curse word? i don't discriminate. I love them all.

8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? I'm not sure if you have been following this blog at all...but i hate my current profession so I guess anything else.

9. What profession would you not like to do? this one. also anything to do with bodily fluids. That would not end well.

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? "You just made the cut"

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Birds Are Morning People

I am sitting at my desk before 6am. How unnatural and f*cked up is that? The answer is very.

I got out of bed this morning, freezing and ravenous. My alarm went off at 4.45 and a little part of me died. I finally managed to drag my butt out of bed just after 5 but it was touch and go there for a while. Mostly I was terrified that after I turned my alarm off (I still stayed in bed for a few more glorious minutes) I would fall back asleep. The kind of deep sleep that nothing can break through. The kind that would have totally made me late for work.

Which would have been a shame.

As it is I'm scheduled to get out of here just after noon. Amazing.

I promised to be interesting today didn't I?

I lied?

I just ran around the city looking for a Starbucks to be open. Yeah. Starbucks. We decided to give it another shot. It wasn't looking good there for a while- I went to 3 different ones and none of them were open. WTF Starbucks? I haven't totally decided yet what our future looks like. But I mean, if I'm going to start working sometime after 6 in the morning then tea is probably required. And also a chocolate croissant. What? Chocolate is totally a breakfast food.

Is too.

What the hell is with all the seagulls this early? Are birds big fans of mornings? I'm not. I usually tune most of my mornings out. But my body is playing a trick on me where I'm kind of cognizant of my surroundings (so that I don't get stabbed to death by hobos, I'll hear them coming because I'm extra alert) and all I can hear are birds. I think somewhere deep down I was aware that birds are morning people (I have seen every Disney Princess movie and those girls? Morning people.) I have just been blocking it out for the better part of 2 years. Four months. And 22 days.

So have you guys seen what passes for mascots in London? Are those not the creepiest, most messed up looking things ever? I mean, aren't those supposed to be turned into stuffed toys for kids? Those would give me nightmares if they were staring at me in bed. Since when are cyclops adorable? Admittedly this makes me kind of happy. I mean if London has messed up their mascots like this (and their graffiti logo left a lot to be desired, like being able to read it when you aren't in a gang [and yes I know that was a generalization of a lot of talented non-gang-affiliated graffiti artists]) I can't wait to see what kind of problems they run into when its actually time for say, the Opening Ceremonies? The world is watching London. Vancouver? Is watching.

Don't get me wrong. London? One of my favourite cities. But London was not so nice to my city during the Olympics. And I happened to think that it was a pretty good time. Which is big. Because I was not excited about them happening at all. I'm a little excited about the prospect of the world's media getting on some other city's case about the Olympics. Makes a nice change.

Now. Onto the Shuswap. I'm leaving in what? 7 and a half hours? Fantastic. I can't wait. I mean there will be several hours of driving involved. And I promised to do some of it for a change. I have a problem driving on the highway up there. Its long and kind of straight, kind of boring, and very windy. I find it takes a lot of effort to stay awake. Which is kind of a problem when you are supposed to be driving. I shouldn't have any problems today- I said I would take over the part after burgers where the highway isn't so boring and windy anymore. I guess I really make no progress at all do I?

You guys! Starbucks put vanilla in my tea! Normal people probably wouldn't get this excited about it but as evidenced by this blog, I'm not normal and vanilla in my tea has the ability to turn a day right around!

I guess its about time that I got some work done kids. If you're good maybe there will be a little something for you if you come back tomorrow. But you have to be good.

Canada? Have a good long weekend! The rest of you? I hope you enjoy your not-so-long-but-still-probably-quite-nice weekend.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Literary Constipation

You guys? I have serious writer's block this morning.

Some might argue that I can't possibly have writer's block since I can't seriously call myself a writer. But I would argue that I can too.

Whatever you want to call it (literary constipation, word block, idiocy) the words and witticisms just aren't flowing today.

Nothing happened to me at work yesterday, or in transit. The highlight of my day was when my cousin (not you, the one that lives overseas. Clearly you would remember calling me. Or maybe you wouldn't. I'm not judging.) called me drunk. His wife was away and his kid was asleep so he drank the house dry and gave me a call. Touching right? I told him it was the highlight of my day and he was hella pleased. Apparently he leads an exciting life because he was all "really? I'm the highlight?! I'm so flattered". I couldn't let him carry on thinking that he was that special could I? I told him that of course he was the highlight but my day had thus far consisted of my rotting in my cubicle and coming home to an empty apartment.

After we hung up I had a glass of wine. The wine became the highlight.

No highlights yet today. Well there was this part in Such A Pretty Fat that consisted of a bear costume, a basement and a cowardly dog that did make me laugh really hard on the bus, scaring away other commuters. But so far thats it. There should be a warning on those Jen Lancaster books that they are highly relateable, hilarious and thus should not be read on the bus unless you don't mind looking insane. VEG amirite?

Good thing I'm going away tomorrow isn't it? I don't know what I would do if I still had to face the rest of this week here.

Probably nothing. I mean there's not a whole lot you can do to change the speed of time can you? Has anyone else felt like this has been a really long week? And its only Wednesday morning? It feels like it should be Thursday. Which is really messing with my head.

Tomorrow I wake up at the a$$crack of dawn to put in a full day here before I hit the road for bliss (read: lake and wine). Its totally worth a couple of hours of wonderful, deep sleep to be able to get the hell out of here for the rest of the week. And yes, I realize that its only the one day. But I like to exaggerate.

Yeah, I should go now shouldn't I? I'll try to be more interesting tomorrow. Or steal someone else's life story for the day.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Using Pablo

So I lost a follower today. In an attempt to bribe the rest of you to stay and/or get other people to join our merry band of rabble-rousers (we could totally rouse stuff) I'm using another picture of little Pablo Escobar.

My plan is diabolical right?

No one can resist an adorable puppy. Especially one that is protecting his privacy by assuming a pseudonym. I think its time we get to know little Pablo Escobar some more.

Here he is assuming my expression when someone wants me to do something, Veronica comes over for any reason or Jeff is leering over my shoulder.

You're welcome.

Join us!

You Know?

Maurice is the stupidest boy alive. I say 'boy' because he is so very childlike and it will be many moons more before we can say that Maurice has become a man.

Yesterday he had a conversation with Amy about how she was going to go to Portland this weekend (so if you are going to be in or around Portland in the next few days, please be careful- Amy is a terrible driver) blah, blah, blah. Then this morning he is all "What are you doing for the long weekend? Are you going to the Island?"

No Maurice, she isn't. Try to think back to yesterday, Portland, remember?

Admittedly this is not the best example of his stupidity (the best was when he didn't know what a garland was or thought that 'chivalrous' meant that you were cold), but it annoyed me so it had to be mentioned.

Speaking of stupid, apparently Veronica was talking on the phone last night (after Amy left, because she knows as well as we do that this kind of sh*t don't fly when Amy's around) about how when her boyfriend went to a club without her this weekend, she went to a bar with his sister-in-law and used her boobs to get in. A couple of things. I'm all for using boobs to get in a bar, that's what they're made for. But maybe don't talk about it at work in front of people that sort of work for you? And also, I've seen enough of her boobs (because contrary to the dress code hers are usually on fairly prominent display) and well...meh. The bouncers have seen better, you know?

Kind of a jerk this morning aren't I?

I didn't sleep well last night and woke up to a very dark, very grey, very rainy Tuesday morning. Not good for morale. Even my cup of tea (the kind that I boiled water for and dropped a teabag in and stirred with sugar. All by myself) isn't pumping me up. This kind of weather is a total mood suck.

Starbucks and I are still on the outs. I know that we will eventually reconcile, we always do. When we're together I can only see the bad, but when we're apart I can only remember the good times. I know Starbucks is bad for me, but sometimes Starbucks treats me so well. Sure sometimes Starbucks loses his temper, but he doesn't mean it.

Ok I'm going to be completely honest here--last week I might have had a Starbucks frap. But it didn't have any caffeine! It didn't mean anything. I just...needed a pick-me-up you know?

So on Sunday I was left completely unsupervised at home (The Boyfriend had to work) during a planned power outage. We thought I was prepared, but we were wrong. Sure I was (sort of) able to keep myself entertained (I read some) but in the food department, we were sorely lacking. We thought that the gas stovetop would work but apparently it needed electricity to spark it. I did try using fire but no dice. I was thiclose to using the BBQ to boil water for Kraft Dinner when they turned the power on 4.5 hours earlier than planned.

But not before I cracked my baby toe on the corner of the coffee table (no, it wasn't dark in the apartment, we get very good natural light, I'm just klutzy). Yes it did bleed. Because I'm not in charge of bandaids, I didn't know where they were. I eventually found them but by then the blood had pretty well dried. I mention this because the cut does not currently have a bandaid on it and my shoe is rubbing on it and it hurts. But the bandaids we have here are cheap. Which is a problem because I have a bandaid allergy and as much as I would like my toe to swell and develop a rash, I would just rather not you know? Especially because we are going away soon and the mosquitos already have it in for me. We don't need to add more itch factor.

You probably didn't need to know that, but I'm all about honesty and also, see above. I got nothing today.

Tomorrow evening we're going to look at some more apartments! There's one that we both really like (in theory) so maybe you could send out some more of those good thoughts, voodoo magic (the good kind), spare me some of your good karma, whatever you do and keep your fingers crossed that its even better when we see it and priced to sell and no one else wants it and we get it and we can buy it and live in it and I can quit here?



Monday, May 17, 2010

Garfield Is So Jealous Of Me

My cousin's elbow is in fact broken. This means that she is no longer "unbreakable" (as she always advertised herself to be), I have free licence to laugh at her some more (and am extending said priveleges to you) but most importantly, it means that I was right.

I like to be right. Probably my favourite state of being.

You know what I don't like? Mosquito bites. I mention this because last night, in an effort to get out of the house, The Boyfriend and I had dinner outside in a park with an amazing view of the city and the mountains. But it being May there were some mosquitos out. I'm not sure that I was bitten, but I'm not totally sure that I wasn't bitten and as a result the hypochondriac within is making herself known and my skin is just itchy all over.

It could be mental preparation for this coming weekend when we will be taking off to the Shuswap--if there are bugs up there this time of year, they will find me. Seriously. My legs, especially, have a tendency of swelling up when bitten and its actually very painful. Amy just advised me to go with the really strong bug spray, even though its really bad for you. She's clearly trying to kill me off.

But its a small price to pay for fresh fruit, the lake and all the wine I can drink. Not the killing part. The bug bites part.

I guess this is my way of telling you that there will be no post on Friday or Monday. Absence makes the heart grow fonder you guys. If I'm not here every once in a while, then you will miss me and that is good. We have to forge our own identities apart from each other you know? Otherwise how will this ever work out in the long term?

I tried to make you extra jealous by finding amazing images of the Shuswap so that I could fancy link it for you. But I failed so you should just google image it and you will see. Breenuh , I was right about Jen Lancaster, I'm right about this.

So I'm a shame bather. Meaning that I shower because society shames me into it. I don't particularly like it. Well I don't like the process afterwards. All the towel and hair drying and arm lifting and moisturizing. Its a lot of work. But I do it because I know its expected of me. And let's face it, its nice to know that you smell good. I smell nice. I make that effort.

Which is more than I can say for the miscreants that rode on the bus this morning. What is it about me exactly that screams "if you smell bad I would like to sit with you"? I thought that I had my I'm-a-b*tch-don't-sit-with-me-or-I-will-cut-you face on? Apparently not. Because if you had any kind of body or enviroment odour (environment as in, your house smells bad and so do you) you sat with or stood over me. I didn't appreciate it. Especially because with all the constant shuffling I could never get quite used to all the different odours and so I was constantly gagging a little.

When you leave your house, maybe a quick smell check is in order? No need for a cologne bath, but perhaps some deoderant quickly? Febreze yourself? Something.

I'm glad we got that sorted out.

Its Monday guys. Which means that its my very favourite day of the week and good things are bound to happen. Things are already looking up- Amy is away from Thursday through next week, a co-worker made me a lasagna and Jen Lancaster is thrilling me again with Such a Pretty Fat.

I didn't mean that about Monday- but all the rest of it was true. Free lasagna? Garfield is so jealous right now.

Here's hoping all your commutes are odour-free!

Friday, May 14, 2010

Friday Funk

Last night Veronica got a phone call that made her all smiley and happy and cheerful. She has been selected to go to some conference in Calgary because she was nominated for service excellence.

Barf right?

When she got off the phone there was no one around except me. Lucky me. She starts saying things like "I'm so excited!" and "Wow, I did not expect that!". I honestly do not care what the phone call was about so I don't bite. But she can't contain her excitement so she tells me. And I proceed to rain on her parade:

"Oh. I thought that was on the east coast? Oh you have to win the trip? When is it? Right before you go to South Africa? That sucks. How will you find time for all those last minute things? I thought someone else was going to that? Oh. Sounds like kind of a pain in the butt to me"

I know. I'm an a$$hole. I just really don't care. Apparently when I left for the day she started skipping around the office telling everyone and even exclaimed at one point that there was no point in her working anymore because she was too excited.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is how my place of work rewards incompetence and hypocrisy. I wonder what Amy would have said to see her running around distracting everyone else and not working herself.

Oh thats right, nothing because they are best friends.

Its Friday and the day is totally ruined for me. I worked all week to get here and its all gone to sh*t a half hour in. Its not all Veronica's butt-kissing fault though.

My arch-nemisis Starbucks had a hand in it too.

I know I know. I just don't learn. I can't help it. I want to believe in them. Every once in a while they do so good, they make this amazing drink that just makes everything bad disappear while I float away on a vanilla-y cloud of delicious.

And every other time they serve me the coffee runoff and call it tea without even having the decency to try and mask it with some shots of G damn vanilla!

This morning they even had the nerve to not have any chocolate croissants. I'm telling you guys, people are going to be harmed in the making of this Friday.

I keep hearing about these mythical coupons that you get when Starbucks messes up on your drink but I have never got one for myself (there was that time that Anna sacrificed hers for me). How am I supposed to taste my scalding hot tea right there to make sure that its right? How is it so difficult to make my drink? I'm not a crazy soy, extra hot, triple foam kind of person. I just want my London Fog with some vanilla! PLEASE!

So I'm starving and caffeine-less. And I'm going to have to listen to Veronica getting congratulated on her nomination all day long. Turd Ferguson just came by-- I think today is the day that I snap. Its been a long time coming. Its been great knowing you all, thank you all for your support and comments over the past year. I will think of you fondly in prison.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Best News Ever (And Other Random Thoughts)

This week has kind of been a rollercoaster. So probably you haven't been getting the usual dose of awesome that you have come to expect from me. For that I apologize. But I do ask that if you have some criticism to offer you do so more creatively than the anonymous posting of "stfu" that I got yesterday.

On the one hand I was offended by the lack of imagination shown in this commenter's post. And also confused because rereading the post I couldn't really see anything that was overly annoying, anything that would prompt the reaction of "stfu". But maybe that's just me reading my own words and unable to see any deeper meaning.

On the other hand I was flattered that my words sparked such a visceral reaction that the commenter was unable to calm down enough to form actual words or thoughts.

All in all I will be happy for this week to end and I invite you all to join with me in the joyful anticipation of the weekend. Its coming. I can feel it. And we all deserve to have a good one.

During one of my darker moments I messed around on the internets to find things to make me laugh. As always Jen Lancaster came through. All of her posts are hilarious but when she teamed up with Dave Barry? Please! Dave Barry, who's books I used to covertly read during silent reading in grade 6?! Dave Barry and Jen Lancaster? Better than my discovery of Ben & Jerry's Half Baked ice cream (which to this day continues to have a profound impact on my life) Go read it. Now.

Wasn't that so worth it?

I know.

The weather here is finally starting to catch up to the fact that its May. Which means glorious sunny weather. Even kind of warm. I mention this as a way to cleverly segue to the fact that the bus this morning? Not so much checking the weather forecast. If they had they wouldn't have blasted the heat on the bus. And the heaters are at your feet. If you're not careful you will scald your bare ankles (because its May and ladies like to wear skirts) on them. Not pleasant. Maybe we could work on that bus drivers? Otherwise, you're doing a great job, keep getting me to work on time! Okaythanks!

Also on the bus my ipod kept playing Christmas music. I know this is my fault because I don't care to learn how to remove music from my ipod, but the really messed up thing is that, even with sunshine streaming on the bus and people dressed in their spring clothes, I kind of wanted to listen to it. I have no more to offer on this shameful situation. Except...I want a hippopotamus for Christmas...

Oh and I know that you are all dying to know what is happening with my cousin's truck elbow . The short answer is that we still don't know. She has had x-rays done and now she is waiting to hear back. I maintain that its broken. She says she thought it would hurt more if it was broken. She obviously has a very high tolerance for pain and also has never broken anything. Until now.

Finally, I have saved the best, life-changing news for last.

No we didn't find an apartment.

No I don't have a new job.

No. I'm not getting a puppy either.

I promise its still life changing.

John is leaving.

His last day is June 1st. I won't have to deal with him anymore. I won't see his ugly mug first thing in the morning, or have him leer over my shoulder. I won't have to come up with pleasant responses to "what a bright skirt" or "you look orange today" (which implies that I'm fake tanned right? When in fact, I was wearing an orange shirt. A$$hat). He won't be here and my life will be better for it.

So congratulate me (unless you would rather I just shut the f*ck up in which case maybe you better just move along and stop reading?) on my good fortune. I like to believe that its a good omen for things to come. According to my horoscope (pisces) in the next 2 months things will finally start to settle down and work out. Which I'm kind of psyched for. Without John all things are possible.

Merry Thursday!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Stonefaced B*tch Slap

Well yesterday was just about the worst day ever. And considering where I work and the high opinions I have of my co-workers and managers, that's saying a lot.

Let's recap and at the end you can marvel at the fact that I'm not hanging from a rafter somewhere. Shows real strength I'd say.

Yesterday Amy threatened me. With my job security. She gave me a final verbal warning for something that I didn't do.

Balls right?

I had received a message from a girl in the office that was telling Veronica to shut up. And to be fair, Veronica was being hella loud first thing in the morning. The frustration stemmed from the fact that had this been anyone else making all the commotion, they would have been told to shut up. But Veronica is always above the rules.

We're not supposed to use the in office messenger for anything other than work. Because we are children and can't be trusted.

I sent a message back laughing, which was seen by Amy as she stood over the shoulder of the other girl.

She thought she saw me saying shut up and jumped to conclusions and voila! I'm sitting in a meeting room being given a final warning and asked what I'm even doing here since I don't like it.

True. But I flatter myself that I have been open and honest with them (in the best possible way) about the reasons why I'm here. Mainly my desire for a mortgage and how I need job stability to achieve that. At least until the papers are signed anyway. They have never seemed to be offended by that. Rather they have been understanding. Especially since I have made every effort to pretend to be fine here (mostly so that I don't have to have these little pow-wows anymore).

The meeting was kind of long. I have a tendency not to be able to let people talk to me like I'm an a$$hole and where I truly feel people are wrong (as in this case) I don't back down. I made some excellent points. Amy was pissed.

Have I mentioned that this all happened first thing in the morning? I had to get through the rest of the day with Amy angry, Veronica pissy (oh. yeah. Amy had the decency to pass along the exchange to Veronica. I'm still not sure what purpose this served) and me seething at the audacity of Amy to even bring this up with me.

The thing is I have no recourse. Its not like I have someone in the office that will take my side and protect my interests. I don't even think that that person exists in the company. I can't give Amy a verbal warning for being a b*tch. So I just stewed all day.

Needless to say I needed the Canucks to win to make the day worth anything.

And that didn't work out very well. I defiinitely don't want to do a post-mortem. I still love them and know that one day they will bring the Cup home. It just wasn't meant to be this year. But that only takes the sting out of the loss so much right now. Mostly its just heartbreaking.

I definitely don't want to discuss the Habs and how they are doing. So if anyone brings that up to me, they might find themselves with a black eye.

Just sayin'.

Especially if this point of view comes from someone who abandoned me yesterday.

That's right folks. Anna left me here to fight all by myself. And she's also a dirty Habs fan. She split her loyalties. My personal opinion on that is that the Canucks felt it and consequently they failed. I'm sure the Habs feel it too. Time will tell how they live up to partial loyalty.

I had a lot more self righteous anger to spew into the blogosphere this morning but Amy really caught me off guard this morning when she asked if we could have a meeting. I was going to ask for one anyway, I had some more to say to her. I went to the meeting room ready for this big long speech about how great I am and how dare she treat me like that.

And then she apologized.

And took back the final verbal warning. Told me how badly she felt about how she was such a b*tch to me. How I didn't deserve that and how hard I work. How she couldn't sleep all night thinking about it (me either, but that was more because of the devastation surrounding the playoff end).

What has all this left me with? Some form of faith in my manager. Not a lot, but maybe it will grow.

So the faith and a sh*tty tea because Starbucks, who I was counting on to not make this day suck, f*cked up my drink.

I think I came out on top. But the crap tea is really doing my head in. I keep drinking it hoping it will be good. And it keeps not being good.

I need weekend.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Freckles, Stars and Screaming

There were screaming children on the bus yesterday. And it was all pretty much downhill from there.

And if screaming children is the highlight of your day, you have problems.

I'm not really sure why the screaming children were on the bus at 7.30 on a Monday morning. I guess I would scream too if I were 3 feet tall surrounded by giant, angry people (aka commuters). Point is, I had my headphones in and I could still hear the children. There really is nothing like some screaming pint-sized people to start Monday off right.

Then I got here and had to be all pleasant (which I hate doing) with Amy who was herself recovering from a bout of Mothers' Day cleaning with her mom. Admittedly enough to send anyone over the edge (love you Mama) but would it kill you to crack a smile?

Ok scratch that. It very well could. But if I'm pretending to be happy to be here on a Monday f*cking morning, the least you could do is pretend likewise.

Then there was the work assigning. I still had a pile of stuff to do from Friday. I had more than enough to occupy my Monday. Yet she piled it on. And made "jokes" (Amy doesn't actually joke, not even about the New Kids on the Block- all is dead serious) about how I would totally have time to do it all.

She would be wrong. Emailing friends and blogging aside. Really- this doesn't take that long. Surprised? I know, these posts are always such masterpieces I must toil over and struggle with them for ages to get them just right.

I got through the morning thanks to Michael Buble (a woman in the office always calls him Michael Bubbly and I don't have the heart to correct her). His old school standards kept me from flinging myself out the window.

I made it to my first break and found myself in the middle of a pointless conversation about freckles. This woman was saying that she was surprised that asian women can have freckles because she always thought that it was a Celtic thing. I piped up with "I have freckles" (which I do, all adorable like on the bridge of my nose and cheeks, just a smattering) and she looks at me (I have known her and worked with her for a year and a half) and is all "Yeah, but you're Celtic"...

Uh...No I'm not.

Then as if I don't know what Celtic entails she starts listing "yes you are, Irish, Scottish..." and pausing waiting for me to jump in with something like "ooooooooh yeah then I guess I am Celtic!".

Wrong. No one noticed the radioactive orange shirt I wore 2 weeks ago? I told her I was Dutch and she stared at me like her world had fundamentally shifted.

Our relationship is forever changed.

I know Michael Buble wanted to, but he couldn't protect me from the afternoon also. I had this one client that I couldn't figure out how to sort out. It was really confusing. So I asked Veronica for help because that is her job-- to sort out the bigger messes. She had no idea. So she asked the person that she always delegates her jobs to.

Who came up with this story about why it was so confusing. I don't care about why or how or when it became confusing. I just want to know how to get it done. She was seriously taking 20 minutes to tell me this story and I could not have cared less.

I started having trouble breathing. Even got kind of lightheaded. Recounting this now, I'm starting to get the same feeling again. The Record says that its time for a new job. Which we all already know. But we also know that thats not totally possible yet.

Let's all take a moment to send up a prayer, a positive vibe, some good karma...whatever you do, take a moment and ask for my future apartment to be reasonably listed so that I can see it and buy it and live in it and quit this job. Pronto.

On my last break of the day, when the story teller walked in to join us and started talking, I actually saw stars. I'm not even a cartoon character, an anvil wasn't dropped on my head but all of a sudden little silver stars were everywhere I looked.

My body is shutting down isn't it?


Monday, May 10, 2010

Other People's Pain And Suffering

Its Monday. Which sucks. Hard. But you know what might cheer you up? The following story of heroism and grace.

There was a Newfie wedding (Newfie as in, those who are from Newfoundland). Which meant an open bar (and a cute bartender so the story goes) and "screech". What is screech? I don't mean Samuel Powers from Saved By The Bell (although, how great was that show?) no, something more sinister. "Screech" is a Newfie concoction, about 80% alcohol that, when abused, will leave you blind. Legend has it that true Newfies are able to drink a whole bottle without any lasting consequences.

If you are at all familiar with Newfies though, you will probably disagree with that statement.

Sometimes its fun to initiate non-Newfies by the kissing of the cod and drinking of the "screech". This is not a good idea when you have already been drinking (more than you need to because of a desire to continue to practice your Dutch with the hot Dutch bartender) and are wearing heels. Some will maintain that the wearing of the flip flops later in the evening was actually the problem but I would say that that is incorrect.

So you, as a non-Newfie, pass the "screech" test when you don't pass out or go blind. Your designated driver signals that its time to go home and somehow you end up in the back of a pick up truck, because you are nothing if not classy.

When its time to get out of the truck, you fall out instead.

And you smash your elbow on the curb.

But you're fine. And by fine, you mean you have been drinking all night and the screech (I got tired of the quotations) has numbed your body.

In the morning you feel the effects of your truck tumbling. Your elbow is now the size of a grapefruit.

A week later you show your cousin who keeps accidentally (or not) bumping your elbow at lunch for Mother's Day (it really was accidental). Your elbow is still huge and swollen and bruised. You have to have an x-ray to see if you broke your elbow. Your cousin laughs at you and tells you she is going to feature the story on her blog.

Which she just did. The last part in 3rd person.

But you can't get mad at her because you know that she has a pathetic, unrewarding and poorly paying professional life and featuring stories of other people's pain and suffering is one way to bring a small glimmer of sunshine to an otherwise grey and dull Monday morning.


Plus, its not like I haven't been there before. Haven't broken my elbow, or fallen out of a pick up truck...but there was that time with the curb and the taxi that left me unable to walk for weeks. Something in the genes has left us unable to drink and walk.

I hope that you all enjoyed the story. I told you, heroism and grace. Heroic because she drank screech and lived to tell of it, graceful because she fell out of a pick up truck. And blamed it on the flip flops.

I sincerely hope that the elbow is not broken. But it probably is.

If you want to make my agile and elegant cousin feel better (and you do because she broke her elbow and really, who does that? ) about her broken elbow, feel free to leave your own "grace under pressure" stories. And by grace under pressure, I mean your I-got-drunk-and-fell-down stories.

Happy Monday.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Pablo Escobar

You know for like a full minute this morning on the bus I totally forgot that I was on my way to work and I was happy?

The sun was shining, I had new shoes, was reading Emma (which is just as good the 500th time you're reading it as it was the first time...maybe better because you know what's coming and you smile in anticipation) and all was well.

I snapped out of it pretty quick though. Woman beside me on the bus wouldnt't get up to let me out of my seat. One of my bags (the one with my heavy shoes in it) might have hit her on the way out...

Here I am. But its Friday. And there is nothing bad about Friday. Except the work part. But if you can get through that part, then you're good.

I hope that you all enjoyed little Pablo Escobar's blog debut last night (if you haven't seen it yet, scroll down to last night's post). Perhaps we (I mean you Marshall) can crop some of the other shots of him "working" to post so that we can all enjoy a little more Pablo. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: We all need a little more Pablo Escobar in our lives.

Yeah no I've never said that. And I realize that the real Pablo Escobar wasn't exactly a humanitarian (I watch Entourage).

So I think that I have been scaring some of the new kids with my joie de vivre. There are 2 girls (both competent and nice so I'm thinking they are lost?) that end up in the lunchroom at the same time as Anna and I and some of the guys that are also not super thrilled with their "careers" as is. Sometimes because of the excruciating boredom these breaks get a little out of hand.

There might be some "your mom..." stuff happening. Really classy. Everything becomes an innuendo. Its a mess. And these 2 girls...I don't think they know what to do with it.

Its not that I really care per se...more that I have nothing for you today and this is what popped into my head. I'm sure they will adjust.

For the past couple of days this girl (we shall call her Edna...I might have mentioned her before but I have no idea in what context and I don't care to look through all my posts to find can though, perhaps you have studying or chores you are putting off and you are happy for the distraction...let me know what you find) has been away sick. She is really unhappy here too (we all are, its amazing that the managers don't realize this and try and do something about it) and she says to me this morning "Is it bad that I'm sad I'm not in pain anymore and have to be here?"

I told her that it was totally normal. Then she started to describe her nightmares about this place. Apparently the spreadsheets that she deals with turned into people and she had to mark them off, but it meant that she was killing them? But it was just routine, the killing.

Messed right?

We think that this is her subconscious telling her that she needs to get out of here because this place is bad for her soul, its trapped in hell.

Good post right? I know, I amaze myself.

I don't even know how I am going to wrap this amazingness up...A joke perhaps? My very favourite joke ever. Ready?

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

Oh man, that gets me every time (althought it might work better when you just hear it...)

Leave me comments! They are the only way I know how to measure my self worth. And lately, my self worth has been severely lacking. And I have to go out this weekend in skinny jeans so we need to pump me up!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

A Treat For You

I know, 2 posts in one day. Only happens when really messed up things happen in the office. But today it happens because I have a present for you! Anna's boyfriend (who will henceforth be known as Marshall [ha ha}) made magic happen with those pictures of their dog I mentioned to you this morning.

He cut away all the stuff that might be able to identify me, and what is left is a portrait of excellence. In order to honour their dog's wish of remaining anonymous he shall be know only as Pablo Escobar. Here is little Pablo channeling me on a particularly challenging Cubicle day:

Should I be troubled that a dog is doing such an accurate impersonation of me? A bearded dog at that?

Naaaaaaaaaaah. I love all creatures.

Unless they work in my office. Then they hafta earn it.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed the picture. It was really just an excuse to post a picture of an adorable puppy on my blog.

Its Friday tomorrow!

"That's A Bright Skirt"

I was just offered a cupcake and I turned it down. I'm not sure what would possess me to be so rude, but the deed is done. Its probably all for the best. Unless I spend the rest of the day obsessing about said cupcake. Then its just a production killer.

I guess the question here is: do I care if my production is killed?

The answer is no, as long as no one else notices.

Today I think is going to be one of those days that everyone around me is painfully stupid. Or perhaps I'm just sooooo not in the mood to pretend not to notice.

Case in point: I'm in the lunchroom making my tea, minding my own business. If I'm just making my tea what do you think the chances are that I have already had some form of caffeine? Low right? John walks in. John who has mercifully been away on training for when they hand him his own business, who I haven't had to deal with in about 2 weeks so I've gotten out of the habit. In an effort to make conversation (he just cannot deal with the fact that I don't like or trust him) he opens with this: "That's a bright skirt"

Thank you Captain A$$hat, you're right it is bright. Can you tell me what colour it is too? Do you need a hint? Seriously, what an assinine thing to say!

This after having to explain to Maurice that last night's Canucks game was just ONE game. He's all "Do you think the Canucks have a chance to win the series now?". Uh, yeah. I do. Sure we're down in the series 2-1 but we were also down 2-1 to the Kings and look how that ended. Don't jump off the bandwagon yet folks. The boys know what they have to do. A grey whale found its way into False Creek yesterday-that is an omen of good things to come for the Canucks I promise you.

I think that Maurice just wants to get back at me for the whole UFC debate thing . I maintain that UFC is a barbaric and disgusting example of humanity as we know it.

Two bright spots in my day today (aside from my very bright skirt, which is awesome and I'm kind of annoyed that John chose to notice its awesomeness because now its tainted): my Glee music that I downloaded yesterday (3rd volume comes out May 18th- are you ready?!) and the adorable pictures Anna sent me of her dog pretending to be me.

I wish that I could post them here for you to see but there is way too much identifying information in the pictures. Basically Anna's boyfriend came to pick her up (is that what happened? If not, that's how it happened now) and brought their adorable dog. They put the dog in my chair (no one else was on the office clearly) and took pictures of him acting like me. My favourite is the one where he is lying on the chair, looking at the ground all sad-like. I totally feel that.

So while you will just have to take my word for it that these are the cutest pictures ever, I will be revisiting their awesomeness when Maurice and John and Veronica and company all get to be a little too much for me. In my bright skirt.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Gleeful (Meaning Full Of Stuff About The Show Glee Not Happy)

Because I fear that I will get nothing done today if I rant about this and how I don't even make that, today is going to have to be a random collection of thoughts rolling around in my head.

I know, I know. You visit me because I always offer so much substance, but all that substance takes a toll on my brain you know. And I need a break. So instead of going on about how they lied to me about how much raise eligibility I was up for, and how they didn't tax me properly forcing me to pay way too much in taxes or even about how when I mentioned this to Amy she tried to fob me off and tell me that it was my profit share that made my salary show as $6000 more than it actually is...a random collection of thoughts.

I know right? Who makes $6000 in profit sharing? If Amy does, something is even more f*cked here than I realized.

I'm not sure what the hell is going on with the weather in this city but someone missed out on the memo that ITS MAY. It feels like March! And the random wind and rainstorms I could definitely do without, unless I am snug and warm in bed or cuddled under blankets on the couch watching movies or reading. So weather? Sort your sh*t out OK?

How great was Glee last night? So great. The whole Olivia Newton-John thing? Loved it. You know what I didn't love? That Idol (which I have stopped watching because they suck this year) ran late (again) and messed up the PVR recording of Glee. So when Jesse walked out on Rachel...I don't know how that all ended. WTF? There are what? Five contestants left? And you need more than an hour? Sort it out.

On the plus side 2 of my books arrived from The Book Depository. If you haven't already visited and you like to read you need to bookmark it. They have free shipping you guys. Its win/win . One of them showed up at work (the one Marian Keyes book I could never find) and then one showed up at home. Obviously did something wrong with the billing and shipping address buttons...but they both made it. I'm still waiting on 2 more. Not to be creepy but watching other people shop is the best part.

It just took me 3 different attempts to download more Glee music. Either I'm really stupid this morning or the technology is messed. Could go either way.

My cubicle buddy Maurice is the most special person ever. He has been arguing with Veronica and company for about 20 minutes about how he's right that the weather where he lives is different than it is where we work. But somehow he is never prepared for the weather in the city. Never brings an umbrella. And then complains when it rains (it will ruin his hair). I told him to just always put an umbrella in his purse. Or satchel whichever he prefers. He stoneface informed me that the correct term is Murse. My bad.

There really is nothing rolling around in this head of mine today is there? I'm trying really hard (I'm sure that having read this far you would argue otherwise) but nothing is happening. I guess I'm going to have to leave you all here for today and hope for better things tomorrow. I'm going to put in my headphones and have a Glee-tastic day and there is nothing you can do about it.

Glee-tastic is probably a bit strong. But at least the strains of show tunes and pop songs artfully collected in a series of teen anthems from FOX will drown out the sounds of Veronica flirting and running and laughing and getting nothing done (as she yells "I'm distracting the whole office!" all proud-like. My f*cking supervisor. How is this possible?).

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

A Gift From The Universe

You know how sometimes you don't know what you are going to write about and you fear that you are going to have to write some hastily thrown together ideas that don't really make any sense?

I had that feeling this morning.

But the Universe? She didn't want that to happen. So she sent me a gift.

A little office birdy emailed me to tell me about a sign that Veronica had posted above her desk. The sign is entitled The 13 Behaviours of High-Trust Leaders.

Gold right?

I'm not going to go through all 13 because that would waste your time and mine. But I think the highlights? I think those are worth sharing.

I flatter myself that I have painted a pretty good picture of Veronica thus far. So I hope that with that groundwork in place you will enjoy this as much as I do.

You know what the first 2 behaviours are? Talk Straight and Demonstrate Respect. She fails on both counts. I never know what Veronica is trying to tell me, her emails are littered with grammatical errors that completely destroy meaning and she never says what she means. As for respect...please see yesterday's post. I have never worked under someone that is less respectful of their co-workers time, efforts and understanding.

The 4th one is good too: Right Wrongs. It goes on about how when you make a mistake you need to own it, apologize and make it right. Hell no. Veronica is all about making other people responsible for mistakes. I don't think that I have ever heard her admit that she was wrong or made a mistake. Like ever. But she is all over pointing out other people's mistakes and making them pay for them too.

Number 8 is Confront Reality. For someone that has been with a guy for 9 years who has told her he isn't going to marry her ever but who insists on forcing the issue, I'm thinking reality isn't high on the list of priorities. But I'm sure that a sign on the wall telling her (in size 8 font, photocopied) will really encourage her to do just that.

Ten revisits the accountability thing (I guess this is important for High-Trust Leaders) and 12 tells her to Keep Committments. So if you say that you are going to send an email discussing how certain email behaviour is inappropriate, it means that you need to go ahead and follow through. This way your underlings will actually have faith in you going to bat for them. Not that that would ever happen here, but at least she is striving for that?

I think my favourite of all though was number 5: Show Loyalty. This includes giving credit where its due, recognizing the work of others and not talking behind others' backs. I think you can see why this is my favourite. It really speaks to her hypocritical nature that she would post this above her head to look at every day, to strive for, while absolutely disregarding all the rules.

Looking through again there are some things that she is already doing: Part of 1's Talk Straight does include using simple language. And number 6's Deliver Results says not to make excuses and she doesn't- for other people. She's obviously well on her way.

What really struck me about this list was that these were all common sense things. Respect other people, take ownership of your mistakes, be loyal, trust and be trustworthy- all basic tenets of being a decent human being, things that your parents probably should have mentioned once or twice. I personally believe that you are either born a leader or you aren't. I don't think you can learn how to be a leader when you are 24 and have no idea who you are or what you want for yourself. Lots of money and pretty things doesn't count as knowing what you want by the way.

But it did provide us something to laugh at this morning and for that I thank the Universe.

If you want to see the full list, complete with examples (who doesn't love a good example?) click here . And if that doesn't work, google The 13 Behaviours of High-Trust Leaders. You will not regret it.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Rude People Suck

My knee hurts. And my eye feels like I stabbed myself with a mascara wand. I don't think that I did. But I was semi-conscious this morning when I got ready, so maybe I did and I just wasn't totally awake? 'Tis possible.

It looks like today is the day people. Today is the day I break down and actually see a doctor about my knee (you know instead of pretending to like before). I'm going to lie if possible. This is getting ridiculous. Maybe they will have to amputate.

But we are not going to talk about my various ailments today. I think we have more than covered those (and thank you again for all your advice and diagnoses). No, no, today we will discuss rudeness.

Rude has totally become my watchword. I'm appalled by the lack of respect and professional courtesy shown to me and my co-workers on a daily basis. So what do you do when you become the victim of unwarranted rudeness? You take to your blog to whine about it like any good Gen Y-er would. Obviously.

Before we go any further I would like to relate to you something that I just heard Veronica say. Veronica, who is supposed to be on a diet and exercise regime to help her lose lots of weight before her upcoming trip to South Africa.

I just ate everything. I was in so much pain but I didn't care I just kept on eating. Pizza and burgers and freezies, I wanted it all. I didn't even drink any water all weekend


Yeah. Looks like its going well.

Back to the rudeness.

I'm not sure when it became OK for supervisors and managers to set up rules about social conduct in the office only to blatantly break these rules themselves. Apparently its not alright for us to discuss any social encounters we may have planned for after hours but Veronica and Amy and other managers are allowed to stand around and discuss the possibility of post-work drinks, text and call each other during work to plan it out and relive it days later. Try setting rules and then following them. You know, lead by example and all that jazz.

I cannot even count the amount of times in the past few weeks that I have overheard supervisors speak to 'their' employees with a serious lack of any kind of respect. I have heard them belittle, demean and scoff at, 'their' teams. You know what doesn't inspire people to work hard for you? When they feel like they are being mocked. Telling people that you will show them how to do something while you roll your eyes at them is not an effective management skill. Try common courtesy or a modicum of professional respect.

Finally, when people outside of the office (like reps for instance) treat your employees rudely, try going to bat for them. I don't really care that the person is "just blunt" or that they are older and "set in their ways", I will not be treated like some stupid, second rate employee because you don't feel like confronting the person about their rude and unprofessional conduct. I'm not the whipping boy OK? I deal with enough crap from you guys without getting snarky emails and dealing with irate reps on the phone. Its not my fault that they don't know what they are doing and the systems are crashing down all around you. Tell them to keep their tempers under control and flex that polite muscle they didn't even know they had. Because you know what? If you treat me with respect and courtesy, I will go to the ends of the earth to make things happen for you. Treat me like sh*t and you will wish you were never born.

I think we have covered the fact that I hate my job. But I really despise rudeness. You are in positions of authority and instead of abusing that (I'm looking at you Veronica) maybe try cultivating a kind of corporate culture that doesn't make people want to stab their own eyes out (with or without mascara wands).

Rude people suck.

And that is my final, very eloquent thought on the matter.