Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Cranky Old Woman

I just wrote almost an entire post about how dissatisfied I was with this job and then I started reading it and I was like shut up, no one wants to hear your whining. Which is how I'm sure most of you would have responded had I actually had the gall to post something about how my job sucks when people are fighting for democracy in Egypt, there is a nasty storm hitting Australia, after devastating flooding last month (naturally), and dogs are being slaughtered. 

Sometimes its good to be reminded that in the long run, your "problems" aren't really such a big deal.
So I wrote the above (and the next part about lip balm) while I was still at work and it was part of a really interesting, well executed post. But then I read it again and I realized that I sound like an a$$hole which is really something that I try to avoid, if at all possible.

I really need to make sure that I buy myself some lip balm. The really nice medicated kind you know? The kind that tingles on your lips so you feel like your lips are starting to heal on contact with magic lip balm? That, and I gotta stop licking my lips in boredom. And talking about lips.
Has the word 'lips' lost meaning to anyone else? Lips. Lips.

OK so I had nothing to write about and then I was on the way home and The Boyfriend and I were complaining about the dumba$$ people on this earth and it got the ranty juices flowing. So here we go. 

Things People Need to Figure the F*ck Out (feel free to add your own)

1. Walking. I understand that walking has become increasingly difficult what with all the extra activities we want to do while we're walking: emailing, texting, talking, listening to music etc. BUT walking requires some effort on your part. You really don't want to break your ankle on your way to work because you were tottering along on your ridiculous heels (bring runners with you, I know you look like an 80s power suit, but you won't fall down!) texting and hair flipping all at once. Also, maybe wait for the little lit up man to show up, signaling that its safe to cross the street. Weird how that thing comes up when its safe to walk so that you don't, you know, step off the curb (kerb, kurb, pick your poison) prematurely into the path of a car.

2. The definition of a Little vs. a Lot. Seems simple right? Apparently when I say just a little bit of mustard, what I really mean is Could you please cram as much mustard onto my sandwich as possible? I prefer to only taste mustard. When I say a Little, I don't want very much. When I ask for a Lot (which I so rarely do) please, load me up.

3. How To Say My Name. I've been over this before. I get that my name is not pronounced the way that its spelled and I'm very sorry for all the difficulties. Maybe you could have somehow let my mom know that I wouldn't be growing up in Europe and to please consider this when choosing my name. But you didn't. So now? Learn how to say my f*cking name right. I learned how to say your name right. You owe me. I've told you 100 times. A thousand. Probably a million. Listen to me. Say it right. My patience is wearing very. Very. Thin.

4. Manners. Everything is so digital (call a friend? Why would you call a friend when you can text a friend?! Why text when you can facebook?!) that its easy to forget how to interact with real people. Things that are not OK: avoiding eye contact when you're talking to me, not holding the door open for me when you see me coming with my arms full of mail, and/or  not using please OR thank you. Please note that this is not a complete list. By any means. Shape up.

5. How To Read. Naturally this doesn't apply to you, my bloggy friends. You're reading right now. And chances are you feel an affinity for the written word and chase it down in your free time. But people in general? Would rather see the movie. And that's a shame because Hollywood does some pretty messed up sh*t to some excellent books (see: Pride & Prejudice with Keira Knightley). You people that don't read? That don't have time for the expansion of the mind, the learning that comes from reading? Well, your ignorance? Is showing and you're embarrassing yourself.

I know. When I grow up I'm going to be the crankiest old lady. I can't wait. You can't say anything to a cranky old crone. You just gotta take it. 

1 comment:

  1. I realize this is an old post - but Im bored at work.

    Amazing lip balm = Aveda normal looking chapstick. It was like $20 bucks BUT let me tell you, it makes your lips feel like silky velvet. Its the only chapstick I haven't lost before I used the entire thing (because, what kind of irresponsible twat loses 20 dollar lipchap)