Zero Prep Work

A couple of things to get to before we dive into today’s post (as I’m writing this I have yet to think of something to write about as a bona fide post, so this is my way of procrastinating):

1.       I made sure to visit Translink’s website last night and put in a “commendation” for my bus driver. He absolutely deserves recognition for the great job that he does and I’m glad to be able to play a small part in him getting it. So thanks for those of you that commented with the suggestion!

2.       Sweet Valley High has returned!!! Well sort of. Francine Pascal has finished the new Sweet Valley book and 20-somethings the world over are losing their sh*t and running to the bookstore to get their hands on it. Rumour has it that Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield don’t even like each other in their 27 year old incarnations. What the what?! Obviously am running right to the bookstore to find out what the H is going on. How can they not like each other?!?! They are TWINS!

Naturally I have done zero prep work for this post. Which, let’s face it, is often the case. But most times when this happens, I manage to pull something out of my a$$ that sounds half way decent. Today is clearly not one of those days. Which means that we are going to have to bust out some collection of thoughts that are rolling around in my head today. There’s no accounting for what rolls around in this brain of mine. You’ve been warned.

Yesterday I was messing around on Twitter and  decided that maybe I would like to see who Twitter thought I should follow. It’s based on who you already follow. Here are some of the names that Twitter gave me: Kris Jenner, Kylie Jenner, Kendall Jenner, Rob Kardashian. I guess I’m not following enough Kardashians. I only follow Kim, Kourtney and Khloe. For now. We will see. Twitter may wear me down. I love the Kardashians. I can’t even help it. I’m mesmerized by their beauty and fascinated by their lives. Jen Lancaster would be so ashamed of me. Let’s face it- you’re all ashamed of me. I’m losing readers aren’t I? Damn, with only 39, 1 is a serious percentage!

Also Pee Wee Herman was suggested.

Have you discovered Flavia de Luce yet??? I’m OBSESSED. She is the heroine of this series of books by Alan Bradley and she has been described as being a cross between Harriet the Spy and Agatha Christie. You guys. If you haven’t already, you need to get on these. They are hilarious and fantastic. I think I was trolling around the Book Depository (this is like a daily thing, I like to watch the live buying as a kind of meditation) and it suggested that I might like The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie and when I got all these gift certificates for my birthday (to the bookstore naturally) I bought the first 2. Might? I might like these?! LOVE. I thought there were only 3 books. Wrong. There will be SIX. Read them.

I gave up my seat on the bus yesterday. Clearly inspired to do a good transit deed. Do you think bragging about giving up my seat to a girl with an ankle injury on the internets cancels out the good karma I had acquired? Probably.

Do you have big plans for the Royal Wedding? For those of you that aren’t aware, I’m obsessed with royalty. I love them all: Dutch, Danish, Spanish, Moroccan, Swedish, Norwegian, Jordanian etc but especially the English. Come on. Are there any better? Please. Plus, there used to be the small matter of deluding myself into believing that I was going to marry Prince William and become a princess myself. I had to do the research to be prepared for my future role. What? It could have happened. I just went to the wrong school.

But seriously-wedding of the century. I wasn’t around for Charles and Diana’s wedding I’m definitely not missing this one. I'm a little confused about how my wedding invite got lost since I feel like I was pretty clear about having changed my address, but I guess if it comes down to it I can watch it live at home with some booze. 3am is a perfectly acceptable time to be drinking. And. It’s my Friday off on the 29th. It’s like it was meant to be.

Alright kids, good talk.

Bus Driver Inspiration

Remember how a couple of days ago I was all braggy about the sunshine and mild temperatures in Vancouver? Mother Nature set me straight this morning.

I could hear the rain running through the drain pipes when I woke up. I could hear it against the windows while I was eating breakfast. I could see it coming down on the local news station. And yet? I was completely unprepared for the monsoon that greeted me when I stepped out the door. For some reason I thought that runners (my special looking ones at that) would be appropriate footwear for wading through puddles and swimming through storm drains overflowing with Now and Then-esque force.

Do you totally know what scene I’m talking about? Poncho? Night time? Crazy Pete? Alright.

So my feet were wet, my umbrella was a sham and my bus driver? Downright chipper.

Normally, this would irritate me. How could someone that drives around city traffic, dealing with a-hole commuters at their worst, be happy? At 6:30 in the morning?!

It’s not like I interviewed him for an answer or anything. I’m amazed that I can sit upright for the entire journey at that hour of the day, let alone badger the bus driver (while he’s trying to drive) about what inspires him to be pleasant. But it is something that I’ve been noticing. Because my new earlier bus driver? Is above and beyond awesome. So Translink? Read further.

Because I start work earlier, I’ve started taking an earlier bus. I wish that I could tell you what route I take in the morning and what bus number- but I kind of feel like that crosses the line into my real life a little too much. Not that I think you are all crazy and will stalk me (although it might have crossed your mind) common sense prevails. Suffice it to say I leave my stop about 6:35 and arrive downtown at about 7:12- for the benefit of Translink so they can recognize this awesome employee (although come to think of it, there are probably lots of different routes that fit this criteria).

First off, he greets each passenger with a good morning AND a smile. Which seems small but let’s face it, in today’s world, that amount of interaction with a stranger is noteworthy. Then he drives in a safe and timely manner. Again- seems minor. But on city streets with the stresses of working life, people drive like maniacs wanting to get to their destinations yesterday, and woe betide those that get in the way. Safe, calm driving is important.

Finally, this bus driver (I feel like I should know his name) interacts with the passengers over the bus PA. Before the last few stops he gives us a weather update (which this morning included lots of rain and that he hoped we had all brought our umbrellas), lets us know about anything newsworthy and even includes some safety tips, urging us to please use marked crosswalks when crossing the streets. Today he even included a transit etiquette tip: that even though its wet outside, to please not leave wet umbrellas on the seat beside you, as a courtesy to other passengers who may not want to sit on a wet seat.

Its effective guys. His demeanor is catching. He has turned what could be a miserable job (city traffic, nasty weather, a-hole sleep deprived commuters) into a pleasant, uplifting interaction. Nearly everyone thanks him as they de-bus which is rare. Whenever people  yell thank you as they leave the bus it still catches me by surprise (even though I do it too) because it almost never happens. In the morning now? You look like a jacka$$ if you don’t say thanks.

I’m impressed with his attitude. I’m impressed that he gets me to work safely every morning. I love that he seems to love his job and wants to make everyone else’s day a little bit better. I look forward to his weather reports, his one-way banter. I was disappointed when one day last week I got a different bus driver.

I hope that he gets recognized for the awesome job that he does. People definitely respond to his attitude. And I thought that I would tell other people about this bus driver, in the hopes that it maybe inspires other people to pay it forward? You know, make some of your daily interactions a little more pleasant- even if they are with grouchy, damp, zombie-like commuters.

It looks like things really have changed around here!

"Welcome to Paradise"

In response to Molly  yes, I do have a job. Not a career kind of job, but a job that pays the bills and so far hasn’t prompted me to do anything rash like jump out windows or attempt to have my manager fired.

Well, strictly speaking, that’s not totally true (the part about management is kind of true in this job as well- do managers exist that aren’t complete f*ckwits?) but its progress for sure.

On one of my very first days here the girl that was training me said something along the lines of “welcome to paradise” because I expressed awe that we were allowed to just go ahead and order lunch for meetings, that supplies were ordered willy-nilly and that people seemed to like their HR department. Not just like ,but seek out and laugh with the HR department (probably because that’s who orders the booze for all the parties).

Despite having once referred to HR reps as corporate prostitutes, I’m now wondering if there is space for me in this department. Or the Corporate Learning Centre (which I would probably have thought of as some kind of brainwashing scam but here they offer cookies). Only here though. I still believe they mostly exist to protect corporate bottom lines, not the people that they work with.

Where am I going with all this? I guess what I’m trying to say is that I sense a fundamental shift in the way I view my working life and nowhere is this more apparent than in my dragon boating.

Not only is this physical exercise (something I’m apparently allergic to normally) but it involves hours spent on the water (with nowhere to go) with the people that I work with. Before, I couldn’t even stomach eating free cake around the people that I called my colleagues (using the term in its loosest possible interpretation) and now? I’m wearing sweatpants, throwing my hair in a ponytail, and grunting with the effort of pushing the paddle as deep in the water as possible around these folks. And? Sometimes my mascara runs.

The strangest part of all is that I like it. I look forward to it. I try to recruit other people because “it’s so much fun” and “the people that are doing it are so great”. What is the matter with me? Who is this person I have become?

Even though I’m stuck in kind of a sh*t position (no matter which way you slice it, Reception really can suck), in general, I really like it here. I like the fact that I get every other Friday off (as a reward for getting here at 7:30 every day and working til 5), I like that they organize dragon boat teams and curling nights and Christmas parties that actually serve alcohol (you didn’t know that my last place wasn’t for the alcohol? No booze ever) and that they even have a social conscience (blood drives, food drives [not even just at Christmas time] and all sorts of runs to end poverty and disease).

I think I’m trying to tell you that, on most days, I like coming to work.

And I’m still trying to get used to that feeling.

Of course there are still days when someone beckons me over with the curling of a finger, a gesture filled with condescension, or when the Squirrel does/says something really petty and ridiculous. The Dinosaur has her head so far up her a$$ her eyes are brown so she can be a real challenge to work around. But I’m not the only one that sees these things. Other people are aware and they are trying to help.

And in the end?

That makes a world of difference to me.

Did You Feel Kind of Neglected?

I’ve been away from here for a while haven’t I? Is a catch up in order?

Here’s what’s been going on:

1.       I had a birthday. The big 2-6. Felt like the first real OLD birthday. Didn’t help that a few days later I was called ma’am. I can’t recall that ever having happened before, what with my youthful complexion and all. Although it’s my policy to take the day off work for my birthday, that wasn’t possible this year. I was really dreading the experience too, especially when the day before The Dinosaur blamed me for an incident with the Squirrel that was 100% not my fault. But my new co-workers came through for me in a HUGE way spoiling me with a little individual cake (chocolate mousse with a brownie INSIDE), a card and some flowers. Everyone wished me a happy birthday all day as well! For someone that believes their birthday is the most important day of the year, this was an appropriate celebration. And after work I got to spend a lovely evening at a shady bar with my wonderful friends who spoiled me further. It even went so far as to end in karaoke. No one needed to be subjected to a very drunk me belting out Backstreet Boys classics, and yet, it happened.

2.       I have given up sweets for Lent (except for that day where I was forced to eat a chocolate mousse cake with a brownie inside. Or the day before where there was homemade Guinness cheesecake in honour of my birthday- again, totally forced). I really have.  For someone that eats chocolate and cakes and cookies and ice cream like there’s a shortage, abruptly abstaining from them has been surprisingly easy (aside from one or 2 little hiccups- see birthday). Plus, people totally back off when you tell them that you can’t have a cookie because of Lent, like they respect your spiritual journey. If I was to say that it’s because I’m on a diet, they would be all “just have one, one won’t kill you” but Lent? Free pass.

3.       I mentioned that I’m old now right? If you are older than me I’m sure you are shaking your fist at the screen but it’s all relative right? I attended my little brother’s 13^th birthday yesterday- yeah, he’s HALF my age. I spent part of the time watching Rebecca Black parody videos on youtube courtesy of my 14 year old sister. OLD.

4.       I joined a Dragon Boat team at work. Yeah, you read that right- I’m participating in a work extracurricular activity that involves hanging out with people that I work with. And it’s so much fun. It’s actually worse than the fact that I just joined- I’m almost a cheerleader. I get PUMPED for it and try to amp other people up for it too. Disgusting. I will create a much longer post about that, because I feel like it deserves some extra attention. And? I’m going to have awesome arms when I’m done. That’s really the reason I did it. Vanity can be an excellent motivator- see Lent.

5.       The biggest news of all: I’m officially getting a puppy. OK. You already knew that because I already posted about that. But the little critter has actually been chosen now. The Boyfriend and I went out to the breeder in the middle of February and met a bunch of the breeder’s adult dogs. We’re getting a German Shepherd for those of you that missed that little tidbit of information. Some people (The Record) might be terrified of German Shepherds having been chased onto playground equipment by gigantic, terrifying, snarling German Shepherds. But if The Record had seen these dogs, even she would have had to admit that they were sweet and adorable. And if she hadn’t (she is one of the most stubborn people I know) then if she had come out with us this weekend to see the little tiny, 5 week old German Shepherd puppies, she would have fallen in love. I tried to send her a picture of them but her phone is from 1996, back when cell phones only did things like call people. I’m totally digressing here though. Puppy. These are the 2 puppies we will be choosing between (there is one other person ahead of us looking for a show male dog so there is a chance that one of these will be chosen, that’s why we had to choose 2)- we go back this weekend for the final selection!

       


6.       Its Spring! I don’t know about where you live, but out in Vancouver? Spring is here and its awesome. Cherry blossoms are out, temperatures are rising, I don’t need to wear tights every day, and you can SMELL spring in the air! I definitely ran out and bought some new dresses to encourage Spring to carry on in this same vein.

And I really think that that’s all that I have for you. Oh if you have time, you should check out my super stylish, hilarious, all-around fantastic friend Niki’s contribution to MTV’s style blog!  We all realize that I’m more fabulous by association right? Good.

Umbrella-ella-ella

Things people googled recently that brought them here: are dutch people snobby (can be), keith richards narcissism, how to stop midweek drinking (can’t imagine I was much help) and my favourite, things to do with a rubber mallet which brought them here.

Today we’re going to discuss umbrellas.

Its nearly spring, which means that a lot of us are probably getting caught in some spring “showers”. Unless you live in Vancouver (holla!) in which case you practically live with an umbrella glued to your hand because you’re basically living in a downpour this time of year. I remember a local TV personality espousing all the positive qualities of rain in this city because it keeps us all green and young.

Possibly true but it also has a tendency to keep you soggy and damp.

Don’t get me wrong- I love the rain. I love the sound it makes against the window when I’m snuggled under the covers in bed, or on the couch with a blanket, a book and a cup of tea (although, the cup of tea portion is usually much more in that nice cozy part of my imagination than something that I actually do for myself on such rainy days)- I’m even OK with a reasonable shower if I’m outside.

Not a huge fan of the gale force winds and sideways rain though.

Anywhoodle. If you live anywhere with rain, like I do, an umbrella becomes less of a fashionable accessory and more of a necessity.

What’s that? A raincoat? I don’t think I have worn a raincoat since I was 11. I have a waterproof jacket but that only holds up so long in the torrential, days’ long downpours that my fair city sometimes imposes upon me.

This morning I watched a young man fight with his umbrella at the bus stop. It wouldn’t collapse. Initially, I admit, I smiled to myself what I believed was a smile of fellowship- many times have I found myself in the same predicament. But it soon became apparent that if this umbrella didn’t do what it was supposed to do before the bus arrived, the young man in question could very well have thrown a fit. I for one wouldn’t blame him. Umbrella collapsing and stashing is already such a delicate balance of agility and etiquette, that when it doesn’t collapse the way it should, the whole fragile dance and routine is thrown way off course leaving you the holder of a  soggy, splashy mess.

What does your umbrella say about you? Does your broken down, busted up give-way-at-the-slightest-breeze umbrella give the impression that you are a disorganized procrastinator? Or just a person that is happy with the status quo? Does the brightly patterned umbrella give off an air of youthful enthusiasm? Or flighty naiveté? Does the designer umbrella, crafted from the very finest umbrella materials available show others that you are right where you thought you would be, successful and driven? Or is it a gauche indicator of the noveau riche, offputting rather than classic?

Being the proud owner of a hand-me-down basic black umbrella that has one of its ‘spokes’ exposed to the elements, and has flipped in the wind on many occasions, I tend to think that my umbrella probably does say something about me: I’m just trying to stay dry! But I like to look at what other people’s umbrellas look like and try to imagine their thought process behind the purchase.

Mine was literally left behind. By The Swede who had no use for it back home. I wonder about those folks that choose to bring a golf umbrella to work sometimes. Where do they store it? How do they deal with it on the bus? Do they rest it against the seat? What about if they are sitting along the aisle? Do they let a wet umbrella rest on their legs? Does everyone’s umbrella smell faintly of mold?

OK that’s disgusting, you’re right. But I’m too superstitious to allow my umbrella to be open inside. So rot away in rainwater all day it does.

I should probably look into a new umbrella- I fear that mine has reached the end of its life. I wonder if it would just last until summer? How much could it possibly rain until then?

That. Is the sound of the Universe laughing at me. 

Step Backward for Womankind

Happy  International Women’s Day!

I should be a lot more jazzed. A day to celebrate women and womankind? Awesome. Cheesecake? Yes please.

The fact of the matter is, that a day to celebrate women is really nice, but we have a long way to go.

According to The Record, in Canada women still only make $0.71 to the dollar for what men make doing the same job. Women are far more likely to suffer from the stress and anxiety related to a work/life balance. Not to mention that baby girls are still abandoned in China in favour of baby boys, women are still the victims of honour killings, and girls still suffer from the horrors of female circumcision.

But perhaps the biggest injustice to womankind has come at the hands of the publishing industry.

Snooki, Hilary Duff, and Lauren Conrad have all been allowed to write books.

Fiction.

The publishing industry has actually given these ladies money to make up stories and then force them onto the public. And young women are buying them! I’m throwing Hilary Duff a bone here- her book Elixir actually had a story line that she had to make up. LC and Snooki? Just fictionalized their lives. Then again, did you see the font size they used for Elixir to take up an entire book? Like proper book size? Not even a long book. But the font size was like 36.

It’s a Shore Thing and LA Candy though? Really? A Jersey girl moves to the Shore looking for love? A privileged California teen moves to LA to pursue her dream of becoming a fashion designer and her life is chronicled for a reality show?

Sound familiar?

I’m 25. I admit. I watched The Hills. Religiously. I watched The City too. I was hooked. Couldn’t get enough. Will still watch it if I happen to catch it on TV. I don’t need the book version. I watched it happen. And yet. LA Candy was followed up with a sequel because it sold so well.

Why publishers? Why are you inflicting these women on us in our bookstores?

Bookstores should be a safe haven of literature and culture. Filled with the brilliance of Jane Austen, the Bronte’s, Jen Lancaster and JK Rowling. Of course the way life is going, bookstores could well be a relic of the past.

E-readers. I hate them. Oh the kindle doesn’t have a glare? So you can read it in the sun? That’s so cool. You know what else doesn’t have glare? An actual book. You can take a book into the bathtub without worrying about getting electrocuted too. And you don’t have to worry about sunscreen fingers with a good old fashioned book.

An e-reader doesn’t carry the scent of ink and paper. You can’t treasure an e-reader the way you do a well-worn, well-loved copy of your favourite book. An e-reader doesn’t wink at you on your bookshelf, full of the memories you shared.

The written word is not to be deleted off your mobile reading device when you need more space for new titles!

E-readers and Snooki. Together they have the capacity to completely destroy any education and literacy we might have hoped for for future generations of girls. When we take the LCs out of bookstores, we take a giant step forward for womankind.

Dumb Blonde

Want to send an office into a tizzy? Accept delivery of a free basket of fruit.

Folks just can’t help themselves. The Squirrel took 2 pieces. Naturally she needed to stock up for her flock. Dinner at the Squirrel’s house tonight will include bananas and pears. This local company is expanding to corporate sales and they dropped off a free basket of fruit in the hopes of enticing us to start ordering from them.

Sadly they didn’t think they would have to deal with the likes of the Dinosaur who, let’s face it, doesn’t want to do it if it wasn’t available in 1993. Did the Internet exist in 1993? Then this place definitely didn’t exist. Organic wasn’t such a buzz word back then either. For my part, I took an apple. Since my access to a lunch room has been cut off I have been unable to bring a lunch to work (where would I eat it?) and therefore my apple consumption has plummeted. Its probably one of the reasons why I’m sick all the time now. An apple a day really does keep the doctor away.

I don’t know about you guys but my Monday started off with me fighting the urge to maim or kill some of the folks around me.

If you know me in real life, or you’ve been following the trials and tribulations of my professional life for any length of time you will likely know that I hate being spoken to as though I were an idiot.

Hate it.

Through a fault that was entirely Mother Nature’s, I was ‘blessed’ (I’m using the term loosely) with blonde hair and big boobs. These are not things that I can control (I did dye my hair dark once, I didn’t feel like me. And I’m waiting on a boob reduction until after I have kids) as much as I may want to change the automatic perception that people have of me. What perception you ask? That of a dumb blonde.

Clearly this is the assumption that people are working off of when they speak with me, there is no other reasonable explanation for the amount of down-talking I get on a daily basis in an office this size.

Part of my job is to arrange the schedules for all the meeting rooms. This means that if you want to know if a meeting room is available, you have to ask me. Since I’m in charge of it, I’m likely to know all about it. So when I tell you that you can have the room until 10am but after that someone else is using it for a client meeting, feel free not to tell me that your meeting is more important. You can also take that tone of voice, the one you use when you’re dealing with a particularly pain in the a$$ child, and shove it right back up your own a$$. And when I tell you that you will have to talk to the other person and sort out what’s to be done, I would appreciate less of an eye roll and for you to actually act like a grown up and discuss with said person.

Also, if you’re the office manager (and that’s the job title of the Dinosaur, which is mind boggling to me since as far as I can tell she doesn’t manage sh*t) and you want to find out if the complimentary basket of fruit is in fact complimentary, then you can call the nice gentleman soliciting our business. You know why? Because I already told you that the fruit is free. And if my word isn’t good enough than you can be the one to call and harass him and crush his spirit by denying him our business. In the meantime? I’m handing out the fruit.

These are just 2 examples in a long line of instances that has included blaming me for things I didn’t do, explaining things to me as though I were a particularly dense 5 year old and speaking about me in front me as though I were invisible and/or deaf and mute.

Days like this I spend a lot of time trolling the job boards looking for a glimmer of salvation. It all makes for a very conflicting feeling at work. Some days I think that this place is so nice and all the people are so lovely.  Then the Universe sends me a day like today, filled with a$$holes too puffed up on their own self-importance to realize that the people that ensure that their day runs smoothly, deserve a modicum of respect too.

Cardboard Rabbits

Do cardboard boxes breed? I swear they must because there are always stacks of them in my Reception area. I will have gotten rid of one castle’s worth of boxes, either strong arming their owners to pick them up or sending them off with a courier, and more show up in their place.

I am currently surrounded by boxes. No word of a lie, if I felt like it, I could make an awesome cardboard castle. I just need a blanket, some pillows and a flashlight and I have a pretty awesome fort set up happening.

Instead I’m constantly harassed by people about the damn things. I understand. Cardboard boxes in this quantity are hideous. Off putting. A hazard even. Here’s the thing: I’m not going to move them.

For so many reasons. 1. I’m not allowed to leave my desk lest the phone should ring so unless you have some kind of magic cloning machine kicking around, I can’t be in 2 places at once. 2. They are heavy and I don’t remember ever reading in my job description that there would be heavy lifting involved. 3. If I call you and tell you that there are boxes here for you, you should be coming and getting them. Especially when you told me it was urgent that you be notified of their arrival. 4. Even if it was a part of my job description to move boxes (and again, its not) I wouldn’t move them today. I have a sore throat, I feel icky and remember? I fell this week. On my back.

I really don’t care if you think they would look better against the wall on the other side of the room. Unless you want to stack them up over there, they are staying where they are. Really? You think that the courier should have already picked them up? I asked him to, but just like the colleagues in the office that leave their ‘urgent’ boxes stacked up on my counter,  the courier is apparently going to pick them up on his own timeline.

Giving me suggestions about what to do with the boxes might make you feel like you’re contributing, but you’re not. You’re just pissing me off because despite my hair colour (blonde) I’m not actually stupid. I’ve already made arrangements for all the boxes setting up shop in my workspace. I can’t do much more because, again, I’m not moving them myself.

Both my supply and coat closets are full of boxes. There is no more space on any counter or even floor for more boxes. Someone please, get rid of the boxes!

On another note, there is a beautiful flower arrangement in the reception area right now. This girl that started here about a month ago had flowers sent to her by her boyfriend to congratulate her on her new job. Sweet right? Lovely cheerful flowers like gerbera daisies, some orchids, bright green foliage. And lilies.

Stargazer lilies. Pretty but very fragrant.

They gave the recipient a headache and finally she brought them up here for “everyone to enjoy”.

Now we’re enjoying lilies in reception, in the hallways, all over the office, all day. And every single person has to comment on the presence of the flowers as well as their fragrance.

I’m getting so tired of telling people that they aren’t my flowers, who’s flowers they are, why they are in reception and discussing how much they smell. Mostly guys work here – I think they actually find the smell almost offensive.

That is definitely the one thing that truly drives me bananas all day- the small talk. Having the same conversations about weather, flowers, and boxes 100 times a day. I’m not a fan of small talk, I’m not very good at it. This has been challenging.

Sadly I was raised well and I’m uber-polite and I smile and nod and carry on like I do give a sh*t that the flowers are fragrant.

In the end I just chopped the heads off the lilies. 

Problem? Solved.