Scrabble

My bus pass keeps stabbing my finger. Right under the nail in that fleshy part. It hurts!

Someone has hung a sock monkey, over my desk, from a paperclip and a push pin. I'm not even going to take him down. 1. Because sock monkeys are kind of awesome and 2. because he's representative of what its like to work here. So if they were trying to make me laugh, they just made me nod my head in recognition of that feeling.

Amy is a cow (no I guess nothing has changed, I just felt like it should be reiterated). Tomorrow is Canada Day (holla!) so we get the day off. But what a kick in the box is it that we have to come back for Friday? Like what is up with that? Well the other team, you know the one with a manager that respects them and recognizes that when employees feel valued they work harder? Well they have the option to work tomorrow, without stat pay and then get the Friday off. You end up with a long weekend, instead of a taste of weekend that gets yanked back just as you are starting to relax into it.

I don't get this option because its a managerial call to make and Amy has her head so far up her own a$$ that she doesn't realize that some people might want to get Friday off instead so that they can drink during fireworks, not be hungover at work AND watch the Netherlands take on Brazil.

Today, Amy gets the stink eye. All day long. Passive Aggressive to the max!

Overshare Alert! Yesterday Nathan told me the following: "My dad got a vasectomy because he thought 2 kids was plenty." While I respect Nathan's dad's decision, I never ever needed to know about it. That's great that his dad is able to enjoy some private time with Nathan's mom and not have to worry about any more little Nathans running around, but for the love of God, keep it to yourself. Did Nathan forget the agony he felt when his dad had this discussion with him? Why pass that along to your lovely, unsuspecting co-worker?

You guys, I fear that I have become a full on cubicle imbecile. Yesterday I had trouble stringing together words to form coherent thoughts and it didn't even wear off on the bus ride home (with my stabby bus pass). It lingered into the evening when The Boyfriend and I played some more Crazy 8s (the student has become the master). I won a game when he was holding three 8s! And I asked him about it but instead of calling them 8s I called them aces. Needless to say The Boyfriend was confused. Later I called pillows, towels. I might also have told him that I didn't want to play Scrabble with him because he always wins (I'm not a very good loser), not because he's smart but because he knows where to place the letters.

So either the cubicle is breaking down my ability to interact with other, non-a$$hole people, or I have a brain tumour?

Maybe I shouldn't put that last part out into the Universe...

There was a lot of discussion in the comments yesterday about the acceptability of crying on the bus. There's a lot of crazy that takes public transit so I guess in the grand scheme of things a little sniffle or maniacal laughter (yes its happened to me Breenuh - I read Jen Lancaster on the bus all the time, you can't help but look crazy when you read that in a public place. The woman is hilarious) doesn't really stand out. I just feel doubly self conscious and try so hard to control it on the bus, as opposed to reading it at home when I would just sob, letting it all out (as long as The Boyfriend wasn't around to mock me).

And you all MUST read Jane Eyre!!! No matter how long your To Read list is! Its amazing!

I'm sorry for the random collection of "thoughts" (seems a strong word for this post), its the best I could do today. I fell asleep on the bus. I am tired. I'm amazed I made it to work honestly. I could have just stayed on the bus and rode in a loop all day long.

Jane Eyre

It seems like everyone is having trouble reconciling themselves to the fact that today is another work day.

I just tried to make tea, and while I was attempting clumsy pre-caffeine conversation I forgot if I had turned on the kettle or not. How to check? Touching the water. I had turned the kettle on. Turns out it does a good job boiling water too.

Someone just came to ask Amy a very simple question. Response? Blank stare. Looks like she too has no idea where she is and what she is doing here.

This is the kind of stuff that happens when you work a job that forces half your brain to wither and die of boredom.

Did you hear that some guy in Newfoundland won a huge chunk of the lottery? My lottery? I thought that I was going to win the lottery, I had made plans and everything. Step 1: Quit my job. Step 2: Travel. Step 3: I didn't get as far as Step 3...figured I could make do with Steps 1 and 2 and kind of take it from there.

Apparently while I was fantasizing about all the different ways that I could quit (I'm torn between just never coming back and coming in and making a scene that ends with me yelling something like "so long b*tches!"), I should have been on my way to Happy Valley Goose Bay, Newfoundland to buy my ticket.

Yes I am actually really bummed I didn't win! I really thought it was mine this time!

I probably should look into some medication for these delusions, thanks.

Could I ask you guys a question? I guess that is rhetorical since a) I'm going to ask you anyway and b) its not like we're having an actual conversation here.

If you were running a department that was going to close down within months and a bunch of your staff would be out of work, would you hire extra people at the end to help with the workload?

Seems to me you would want to keep your existing staff on as long as possible, and therefore not hire additional people. Then give those existing staff members the option to fill the positions available going forward, instead of hiring on newbies to fill them. Obviously I'm not management material since the powers-that-be did exactly the opposite of what I would do. Shame really. Ever since I was a child I have dreamt of being in middle-management.

Yeah, no, that's a lie. Obviously.

Hey this Tuesday might not turn out to be so bad- Amy is in and out of meetings all day. Or at least all morning. Weird how she is OK with being in meetings all day on site when Veronica isn't here to babysit, but when the same meetings are off site, she wants no part of them. Are they not basically the same thing?

Consequence of Amy's micormanaging? One of the newbies is pacing up and down the hall looking for Amy to tell her what to do. Amy is in a meeting, newbie's day is completely shot.

I was reading Jane Eyre on the bus this morning and one of the characters dies (the one in the beginning for those of you in the know. For those of you not in the know- why have you not read Jane Eyre? Its only one of the greatest books ever) and so I had to sit on the bus pretending not to cry while inside I was dying a little. Do you think it will ever become acceptable to cry on the bus? I don't mean running on the bus hysterical, missing a shoe, mascara all over your face- that's scary. But quietly sniffling in the corner because your book is sad? That's gotta become OK one of these days right?

If that newbie doesn't find someone else to tell her what to do, this day could turn ugly real fast!

I'm A Jerk

Warning: what follows are the ramblings of an extremely grumpy, partially panicked, mosquito bite covered, seemingly ungrateful cubicle prisoner.

Its no secret that I hate my job and now that I have a shiny new apartment, I am able to get another one. But I don't have the luxury of time to leave it on my own terms. An email was sent out on Friday that those of us that are not going to continue with the company (and there are only like 5 of us! What are the rest of you smoking? This place is the devil! Its not going to get any better. This job is NOT better than no job! Seriously!) will likely be out of a job in August and/or September (thanks for the concreteness of the end, guys).

On the one hand, there is obvious relief. Just a few more weeks of this no matter what.

On the other hand, I think I am feeling the beginnings of panic? I have been constantly employed since I was 15. Always gone from one job to the next seamlessly. The prospect of not having a job is...kind of scary.

I am looking for something new. But in my experience, its less about what you know and more about who you know. So I'm reaching out.

And here's the part where I sound ungrateful.

Unless you have a job posting, a name of someone to contact, or a website for me to check out, you're not helping. You're freaking me out and overwhelming me. I think I had a panic attack in the car on the way home from the Lake yesterday thanks to some helpful hints from my mother.

I love you Mom.

(On a slightly unrelated note: having spent 3 glorious days at the lake in the sun, playing with a puppy and drinking I should be more relaxed but I'm really wound up. Anything could set me off. Feel bad for The Boyfriend you guys- he has to bear the brunt)

See, I have found jobs before. In fact, I have a job. I know things like "its easier to find a job when you already have a job" and "just send resumes to companies you want to work for". I know that volunteering is a good way to pad the resume and that temping is a good option too (except I've also witnessed the downside to being a Temp: mainly that you are expendable and that you are treated like a second class employee) and that being an intern is an excellent way to get experience in your field.

But I don't want another job. I'm over having a job. I would really like a career at this point. Sending resumes to companies is all well and good, and following up is obviously key but if they have no vacancies, then it only does so much good. I don't have the luxury of time to volunteer (until I get laid off of course, which is imminent), or intern (also, I'm not 20 or fresh out of college...I have a mortgage now) and temping? Might actually be my nightmare.

Once upon a time, during a meeting where I fantasized about John getting run over by a stampeding herd of rhinos , John promised us that when the time came to lay us all off, we would have the opportunity to job hunt at work. Said it was the least they could do since they were getting rid of us. And I agreed (probably one of the only times that we were on the same page about anything).

But having so much faith in this place, as the lay offs approach and no more mention has been made of this, I figure it was just another empty promise. Which sucks, because I could really use the extra time.

This whole job hunt thing is overwhelming and stressful and exciting all rolled into one big panic inducing ball of fun sitting in the pit of my stomach. Believe me when I say that I want to find something else. But this whole office experience has also taught me that I'm not going to settle for something just to have a job. Again. That's how I got here. And its not going all that well for me.

I'm probably going to have to be picky this time, which might mean that its going to take some time. It doesn't mean that I'm not motivated or that I'm not trying. It means that this time, I'm going to get the right position.

So if you want to help me, send me names and positions. Don't give me the standard tips that I can read in this week's Working column in the transit paper. I need a new job, not "helpful hints".

And now I'm done being a b*tch. Actually as far as being a b*tch goes, I've definitely seen worse.

Cubicle Poetry

While I'm at the lake, having some drinks, sitting in the sun, reading and playing with an adorable little puppy, you all will still be fighting cubicle boredom so I thought it was only right to leave you with this gift: a poem. That's right, like Ryan in the first season of The Bachelorette, I wrote you a poem. Choose me.

Here you are then, Cubicle: A Poem (I was going to call it Cubicle: A Sonnet, but I didn't want to be confined to any kind of style you know?)

Essentially I work in a box
With security tighter than Fort Knox
God forbid we take 5 minutes more
To quickly run out the door
For a snack, shopping, medical care
Not here, we wouldn't dare
Two years ago I didn't know
The lengths that my managers'd go
To make my working life
Nothing but torture, hardship and strife
To ease the pain, I took up the pen
And tried to educate dozens of (wo)men
About the dangers of boredom and work
How much it sucks when your boss is a jerk
We've talked about rules, colleagues and booze,
Most days I'd rather hit the snooze
We all know I stayed for the money
To buy a place for me and my honey
I know, that line made me ill too
Turns out rhyming's hard to do
Now that I have a new home
I'll have to invest in a comb
So that my hair looks tidy and neat
For all the possible bosses I'll meet
Thanks for stopping by each day
And reading what I have to say
It took all week but Friday is here
Let's all have a drink and a cheer!

I'm sorry and you're welcome.

Vacation Rules

I made up a new word. I really think its going to catch on.

I was talking to my friend, let's call her Megara (remember that movie? Remember when Tate Donovan was hot?) about how she is sick of working and thinks that we should both find rich men to take care of us so that we wouldn't have to work. So our boyfriends would become our man mistresses because we are really quite fond of them, and we needed a word for this new title. Since I was pretty sure that no word exists, I came up with some options. Just plain old misters, and concuboys.

I think concuboys could really work.

Guess what? Today's post has a point! No really, it does! I was talking to The Record yesterday, upon her return from a couple of days out of the office and realized that there need to be some Cubicle rules for vacation days. I figure its a good time for them too- its summer (or so I have been told) and people want to take advantage of the beautiful weather (or in the case of Vancouverites, just freeze away from the city) by taking some time off.

Sadly this means that your managers suffer. So I give you: Cubicle Rules For Vacationing.

1. No Arrangements Will Be Made To Redistribute Your Work. Even if you are a proactive employee and make these arrangements yourself, they will not be honoured. Its your work, you get it done. Don't make lousy excuses like "I'm going away". You get to go away, you get to catch up when you're back.

2. You Will Respond To All Emails. Maybe you did set your out-of-office, but does your out-of-office help your boss figure out how to do his/her job? I didn't think so. Make sure that you deal with all your emails before you return to the office, or you will be behind. And I'm sure that your manager doesn't want to have to remind you that s/he needs your help on all the stufff you left behind before your little hiatus.

3. Help Everyone Else. When you return you will be expected to help everyone else with their workload. No, we didn't take care of your duties while you were away, but you were on vacation so you must be well-rested and caught up. Some of us had to work. Feel free to pitch in.

4. We Will Ignore Your Vacation. You had a good trip? The weather was nice? Don't care. Did you get the emails that I sent about that thing that I didn't do while you were away? I sent it to you 5 days ago and still haven't heard about it. Vacation? You were away? Your manager doesn't care that you were away. You're back now and your boss needs you to complete the TPS report.

4b. Supervisiors Get Extra Attention. Sometimes supervisors, the unsung heroes of the office, need a vacation and they will want to make it count. They may even go somewhere amazing like South Africa (or Los Angeles). Don't worry- we wouldn't want you to miss out on this momentous office occasion. We will have a cake to send them off in style, and while they are away, there will be email updates about how much fun your supervisor is having. Because management knows that you want to know. And management always obliges those desires. Maybe you will even get postcards.

5. If You Stay, We Have Work For You. Not everyone goes on vacation during the summer, and that's OK. We have work for you. Because there are a lot of people away over the next few weeks we will need everyone else to work extra hard to make up for it. If you are completely incompetent we will probably get someone to do your work. If you are fully capable of doing your job on your own, we will probably get you to train someone to take care of it while you are gone, but don't labour under false pretenses- they aren't actually going to do your work. And you will still be behind when you are back.

So that's it. Rules for vacation. Obviously a heavy dose of Sarcasma today.

And just for Anna...

...Rupaul.

John Is Stressed. And The Villagers Cheered.

Today I promised you all an update on how John is doing in his new role.

In a word? Stressed.

Turns out he's in way over his head and he's feeling totally overwhelmed. To which I say: karma's a b*tch, B*tch. Turns out he doesn't actually have a clue as to what he is doing and they made a huge mistake in giving him his own agency. I could have told them all this a long time ago, but sadly for them, they don't listen to me.

Apparently he has hired on his partner to work for him as well as his best friend (the former d-bag-manager-with-no-first-name) so you know there are no conflicts of interest there.

Because it is so easy to remain objective and do your job when you have hired on your family and friends right? And that can only be good for business yes? So there really shouldn't be any problems with his new "friends and family" hiring policy. I will put money on the fact that as soon as she can, Veronica will join this merry band of idiots, despite the fact that she has no customer service experience (unless you count that time she worked in a drugstore- she was really successful, she was robbed at knifepoint) and doesn't have an exactly stellar track record when it comes to working with people. The funny thing is I'm positive she will think she has been hired into some position of authority and will act like it, when in fact I'm sure she will be bottom of the totem pole.

Can't wait.

John was actually here yesterday. I saw him with my own 2 eyes at the end of the hall way. I was getting ready to go to the pub around the corner for the South Korea match and he was here, catching up with friends under the guise of some kind of training. I saw him, our eyes locked, he hesitated, unsure of whether to wave, I hesitated unsure of whether to walk away or flip him off. In the end, I stared him down and made him walk away first. Good thing we were headed to the pub. Rum never tasted so good.

Today we have news that Turd Furgason will also be leaving our cozy little family and heading to his own branch starting July 1st. A little present from Canada to me (July 1st is Canada day). As soon as this department folds (in the fall sometime, God forbid they give us something more concrete) Amy will join her brother. I have no idea what is with this place and the hiring of the family. I love my family, but I wouldn't want to work with them (cousin, am I right?) ever.

I still haven't received my ipod back. Should I be concerned? Is she some kind of ipod con artist? Has she discovered an affinity for Dutch rap? Musicals? 90s one-hit wonders? What are the chances I get it back today?

I scared the bejeezus out of our resident South Korea supporter just now (she's hardcore, when Korea scored the first time yesterday she actually ran up and down the halls with her flag screaming). She had her headphones in and was concentrating, so I snuck up behind her and put my hands on her shoulders. The sound she made was like a parrot dying. I may have relayed the story to another co-worker, using the word sh*t, standing in front of the lunchroom where an interviewee was waiting. I should care, but they really should know what kind of place they are interviewing in.

I'm afraid that that is all that I have for you today (aside from using the word 'that' as many times in a sentence as possible). I do want to wish VEG a very happy birthday though. I think there might even be sunshine for you!? There was when I got off the bus this morning but I have no window with which to confirm the veracity of this statement at this time. But still, Happy Birthday!!

PS Nathan is matching Maurice's dress sense with a canary yellow polo shirt. Its not even casual Friday.

Music Shame

Yesterday I did something nice. I know, totally uncharacteristic of my work self but there you go.

So this girl forgot her ipod, which if you work here is kind of like the end of the world. In order to tune out the bullsh*t and pretend like your professional life isn't a total misery, one needs music.

I happen to have 2 ipods that I always have at work- my iphone has music on it and I continue to bring my ipod to work (they have different music for the most part). So the girl had headphones and I offered her my extra ipod.

Forgetting my secret music shame. I have posted on here about music before. By looking at that you probably decided that I have terrible taste in music and you wouldn't be too far off the mark. I basically handed over my deepest, darkest secret to a virtual stranger.

Lest you think I'm overreacting, let me just give you a quick rundown of the kind of stuff that is on my ipod: musicals (a lot of them), Spice Girls, Backstreet Boys, ABBA, country music from when I was 15 and kind of into country music (which is basically a crime in these parts), Girlicious (I know), Destiny's Child circa 2001, a Dutch rap song that only I appreciate, a song about how I'm From Holland, Where the F*ck You From?, and possibly the BeeGees.

The I'm-one-cool-b*tch rep that I have been so carefully crafting has been undone in one good deed.

Of course she hasn't actually given it back so maybe she loves what I've done with the ipod and my secret will be safe? Safe from the people that I haven't told by posting it on a blog that anyone can stumble upon since its on the internets.

Yesterday afternoon this guy was complaining about he was so tired (stemming from obscene boredom no doubt) and this other girl was all "Cheer up, its almost Tuesday!"

I'm sorry what?

Since when did Tuesdays become cause for celebration? I told him that it was a good thing I wasn't around. I would have told her to get out.

Also, our cleaning people seem to have fallen into some kind of cleaning frenzy after months and months of doing nothing (as far as anyone can tell, you should see the dust collections we have built up). I came in this morning and all my pens, post-its, various office mascots (I have 3: a Toblerone dog, a stress horse and a little wooden turtle with a bobbing head that I got in Mexico) and papers had been shoved to the side. The one thing that I did appreciate was that they collected all the paperclips that had been strewn all over my desk into my slinky. But now, what do I do when I want to use my slinky?

Problems.

My new cubicle buddy though? Is really filling in Maurice's shoes quite nicely. Obviously am not talking about Amy- wall buddy I guess would be more correct: Nathan. Words that just came out of his mouth: "duckpimples", "mallard swells" and "earholes". Also, he does accents and I'm pretty sure that he is making Amy seriously reconsider her new seating plan. That's really all I have to offer you about Nathan for now but I will obviously be keeping you posted.

Tomorrow- an update on John and my thoughts on the situation.

This afternoon- drinks in a bar! I'm going with some co-workers to watch the 2nd half of the South Korea- Nigeria game. I've been told to cheer for South Korea. Don't tell them I will be rooting for Nigeria.