I'm A Jerk

Warning: what follows are the ramblings of an extremely grumpy, partially panicked, mosquito bite covered, seemingly ungrateful cubicle prisoner.

Its no secret that I hate my job and now that I have a shiny new apartment, I am able to get another one. But I don't have the luxury of time to leave it on my own terms. An email was sent out on Friday that those of us that are not going to continue with the company (and there are only like 5 of us! What are the rest of you smoking? This place is the devil! Its not going to get any better. This job is NOT better than no job! Seriously!) will likely be out of a job in August and/or September (thanks for the concreteness of the end, guys).

On the one hand, there is obvious relief. Just a few more weeks of this no matter what.

On the other hand, I think I am feeling the beginnings of panic? I have been constantly employed since I was 15. Always gone from one job to the next seamlessly. The prospect of not having a job is...kind of scary.

I am looking for something new. But in my experience, its less about what you know and more about who you know. So I'm reaching out.

And here's the part where I sound ungrateful.

Unless you have a job posting, a name of someone to contact, or a website for me to check out, you're not helping. You're freaking me out and overwhelming me. I think I had a panic attack in the car on the way home from the Lake yesterday thanks to some helpful hints from my mother.

I love you Mom.

(On a slightly unrelated note: having spent 3 glorious days at the lake in the sun, playing with a puppy and drinking I should be more relaxed but I'm really wound up. Anything could set me off. Feel bad for The Boyfriend you guys- he has to bear the brunt)

See, I have found jobs before. In fact, I have a job. I know things like "its easier to find a job when you already have a job" and "just send resumes to companies you want to work for". I know that volunteering is a good way to pad the resume and that temping is a good option too (except I've also witnessed the downside to being a Temp: mainly that you are expendable and that you are treated like a second class employee) and that being an intern is an excellent way to get experience in your field.

But I don't want another job. I'm over having a job. I would really like a career at this point. Sending resumes to companies is all well and good, and following up is obviously key but if they have no vacancies, then it only does so much good. I don't have the luxury of time to volunteer (until I get laid off of course, which is imminent), or intern (also, I'm not 20 or fresh out of college...I have a mortgage now) and temping? Might actually be my nightmare.

Once upon a time, during a meeting where I fantasized about John getting run over by a stampeding herd of rhinos , John promised us that when the time came to lay us all off, we would have the opportunity to job hunt at work. Said it was the least they could do since they were getting rid of us. And I agreed (probably one of the only times that we were on the same page about anything).

But having so much faith in this place, as the lay offs approach and no more mention has been made of this, I figure it was just another empty promise. Which sucks, because I could really use the extra time.

This whole job hunt thing is overwhelming and stressful and exciting all rolled into one big panic inducing ball of fun sitting in the pit of my stomach. Believe me when I say that I want to find something else. But this whole office experience has also taught me that I'm not going to settle for something just to have a job. Again. That's how I got here. And its not going all that well for me.

I'm probably going to have to be picky this time, which might mean that its going to take some time. It doesn't mean that I'm not motivated or that I'm not trying. It means that this time, I'm going to get the right position.

So if you want to help me, send me names and positions. Don't give me the standard tips that I can read in this week's Working column in the transit paper. I need a new job, not "helpful hints".

And now I'm done being a b*tch. Actually as far as being a b*tch goes, I've definitely seen worse.