Monday, October 19, 2009

Friday October 23rd...

Sometimes I wish that I waited until later in the day to post. Friday morning I was telling Anna that nothing was happening and I wouldn't have anything funny or interesting to post about on my blog. I need only have waited.

Because I work in a place where something ridiculous is bound to happen sooner or later and one just needs to wait for that something to happen. Ears must be kept open (hence the reason I seldom listen to my ipod anymore) and eavesdropping must happen. Course, sometimes, even with my ipod on I can still hear Veronica. She is loud.

Friday afternoon I was a witness to the expansion of Veronica's vocabulary. Isn't it so exciting when a baby or a toddler learns a new word? The sense of accomplishment it brings? The idea that this little person is starting to grow and understand the world around them? These are feelings that I had when I heard Veronica learn a new word. I heard her kind of mull it over in her head and then practice saying it, and finally deciding that she liked it and would use it. This is how it played out (and once again, much as I despise him, I owe the following scene to Turd Fergason):

Turd comes over to discuss some new process with Veronica, in response to her queries on the subject. Veronica doesn't like Turd's answers.
Veronica: But why are we doing it like this? This doesn't make any sense!
Turd: Because its more efficient. The old way doesn't work anymore.
Veronica: But I liked the old way! This is just stupid (ever the professional).
Turd: Yes but the way you're doing it is redundant.
Veronica. Fine. (Veronica memorizes word and context, decides she likes it and itches for an opportunity to use it)
They move on to another issue. The logging of activities in the old system by some reps.
Turd: Why are they logging things in the old system? The old system basically doesn't matter anymore.
Veronica: I don't know, some people just can't let go (forgetting the fact that she is the old system's #1 Fan)
Turd: Well they are making more work for themselves
Veronica: I know, they are so redundant.

Are you all as proud as me?

Another irritating side effect of Turd's presence is that he completely unnerves Veronica.And then she starts to irritate him. And Turd's response to irritation is to laugh it off. But not normal laugh it off like haha-we-are-both-laughing-about-this-so-its-OK. No no. Its more like high pitched hyena laughter. The kind of laughter that is only exhibited by socially inept d-bags with no real personality. *shudder*

So here is the other thing that happened Friday afternoon: I got an email. I know I know an email. In the 21st century. Unheard of.

Shut up.

This email contained details of Friday October 23rd that many of you may be intersted in. Forget Christmas, turns out Friday is the most wonderful day of the year. Friday is "Slap Your Co-Workers Day".

Are you as pumped about this as I am?? Here are the details:
October 23rd is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday: Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't care about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it? Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY! Here are the rules you must follow: * You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day. * You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
* If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is the irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE ! Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping on October 23rd..... and have a great slapping day !

I don't believe that I am the only person that is excited about this. I wish that you could see the video (cut me some slack, I only just learned how to link things)--this old woman comes up and actually punches another older woman in the face. Its great.

So I'm merrily chuckling away to myself at this email when I overhear Veronica insisting that something unimportant needs to be in date order. My new co-worker on the other side of the wall can be heard muttering angrily about it. So I figure she could use something to look forward to and I send her the email. She is thrilled and starts discussing Slap Your Co-Workers Day with me in detail.

Well Veronica, who has to be a part of everything pipes up (I'm sure she has guessed who will be a prime target) that hey! Isn't today (friday) Boss Day?

Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn't. Doesn't really matter for 2 reasons. If it was, Veronica isn't my boss. She may be my supervisor, but she's not really my boss, whatever she tells herself in the mirror in the morning. And if she was, reason #2 would come into play: I wouldn't celebrate it.

So at this point, I have just 4 days to work out a schedule of slapping the office irritants. I get what? 7. Its going to be tough to narrow it down really. Do I want to slap one more than once? Should I spread it around evenly? Or should I reserve all my slaps for one person? So many decisions. If anyone needs help holding them down, clearly I'm up for that as well.

I hope you will celebrate with me!

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