Tuesday, July 14, 2009

A Day in the Life of a Brown Noser

This post is dedicated to my friend Anna.

No she isn't dead, she gave me the idea for this post. It should also probably be noted that Anna is not the Brown Noser to whom I am referring.

Every office has one. Someone that just can't help themselves. Its a lifestyle really, a choice. You can't just accidentally find yourself up your boss' butt can you? No. You have made a choice to be there. Lately ours has really been irritating me. So with a little nudge from Anna I have put together a day in the life of said Brown Noser.

A Brown Noser is a person that is all sunshine and light to the boss/people with authority, but spews venom and daggers at those unfortunate enough to work below him/her. This Brown Noser takes every opportunity of putting themselves in a favourable light, while pointing out everyone else's deficiencies.

Stroll in 5, 10, 15 minutes late. Blame transit. Obviously was very backed up if you are late, nevermind that everyone else made it on time. No eyebrows are raised and no mention made of making up the time so you get to "work". If someone else is late, make a point of mentioning it loud enough for everyone to hear and ask when that person plans to make up the time.

Go through your emails and messages from the day before, talk through them out loud so that everyone knows that you are very busy and important. Any time that you finish a phone call loudly exclaim that the person on the other end doesn't know what they are doing and they are lucky you can fix their mess.

If the boss comes around perk up, laugh, make lame jokes that you know John, er sorry, your boss, will find funny. Make suggestions for how everyone else can be efficient. Should someone ask you to please help take some work off their precariously piled desk, make a face and tell them that you are far too busy. Then turn around and clack away at your computer before you go for lunch.

Take an extended lunch. You deserve it. You have been busy and important all morning. You will still have plenty of time to do nothing in the afternoon.

If you need to get anything from the other side of the office, or if you need to stretch your legs, never walk, stomp. If you stomp you show that you are in control and are making your presence known around the office at the same time.

Your manager comes over to ask if you could please train a co-worker quickly. You say of course, you would love to. Then don't do it. When reminded, smile brightly, say that you just plain forgot, so much going on, and promise to do it first thing Monday. Then don't. No one will bring it up again, they will think that you are too busy, just don't have the time. Your co-worker is going to be the one that gets berated for not being trained anyway.

Whenever anyone tries to commiserate with you about someone else's incompetence, highlight the complainer's incompetence. Smile and laugh while you do it. Bring it up with your boss later, they will appreciate the heads up about any kind of incompetence and mete out punishment/lectures/department wide emails as they see fit.

Leave the office with one last remark to your supervisor/boss about how much work you got done today and how much more efficient everything is thanks to their intervention. Look forward to doing it all again tomorrow.

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