Desired Outcomes

Can you believe that people actually say things like this? As in, "let's work towards your desired outcomes."

Do you know what my desired outcomes are? For you to stop harassing me daily. For you to pay me what I am worth. And to cut me some slack. And after all that, for me to walk in with a winning lottery ticket and tell you to go f**k yourself. Or at least a new job offer.

Perhaps I should back up.

A few weeks back I was hauled into a little meeting room with John, the guy who thinks he is my manager, and Amy, who actually is my manager. Clearly the whole thing was John's brainchild though. His issue? Well even though I complete all of my tasks, exceed processsing targets and generally rock, he caught me on Facebook (the bane of the corporate world). One time. Please note that I had been Facebooking daily for about...oh I dont know, the entire time I have been working here (sadly, about a year and half now)?

So anyway, they pulled me into this meeting at 4.05, knowing full well that I leave at 4.30 (4.25 most days, take that John!), and what? Expected me roll over and take it? Please. They obviously don't know me at all. They wanted me to sign a letter that they would be putting in my file (come on-- who doesn't have a letter in their file?) and be done in 20 minutes.

Well that didn't happen.

Here is what did happen. We talked round and round in circles for almost 2 full hours the next day. Nothing was accomplished except to set up another meeting for another time. At that meeting it was decided that in order to achieve some level of contentment in my role here, I would figure out a plan for my "desired outcomes". I asked them what they were going to do for this whole process, I got a "what would you like us to do?" (John wants the process to be a collaborative one--are you gagging yet?). I told him to fill one out too. For himself. He filled one out. But for me.

Anyway the result of all of this is that every week I get a one hour meeting with them both. A whole hour. Do you know that if he had just let me continue to waste time on Facebook and people.com and whatever else, he would have wasted less time than he has with this whole process? Trying to make things better has made it all worse. Every week I also get a "homework" assignment to be completed on work time-last week was to come up with 50 things I Liked about work. This week, based on John's Top 50 things he LOVES about work, to find the holes in my own job experience.

But it has provided me with some gems to post here.

Here are some examples of John's Top 50 Things he Loves about work:
#26: the dress code. It is relaxed enough to allow me to make choices, and does not force me to wear a tie which I really dislike.
#27: I love it when my staff are ‘jazzed’ (have you ever been 'jazzed' about anything? me either)
#41 The day goes by fairly quickly as I am generally enjoyably occupied in my day

Clearly the guy likes his job. Must be nice.

How about an example of what not to say to someone? While he was smilingly berating me for not being positive enough he asks me (and I'm not even sure he's allowed to ask me this but anyway...): "Have you ever had a health scare?"

I have not. Thank God. Touch wood I don't ever have one, thank you very much.

There's more: "Well maybe you should have one, really puts things into perspective"

I'm sure that my mouth dropped to the floor. I did not have anything witty or biting to reply with-- I mean how does on respond to a manager's wish for your health to plummet?

So much time wasted. And I'm not any closer to reaching any desired outcomes. I don't think that the ones that I listed at the beginning of this post would be accepted anyhow. So I will have to lie. Some more.