Monday, May 31, 2010

Dear John: Bite Me

I'm kind of sleepy and the weekend was nothing if not hella stressful, but today? This Monday? Is going to be the best damn Monday this office has ever seen.

That's probably not saying a whole lot because I don't think that this place has actually seen any good Mondays. But if it had, today would still be the best one.

Today is John's last day.

Sure he is still going to be working for the same company. And actually he will be making more money and completely in charge of his own professional destiny. But none of that matters to me. What matters is that I won't have to see his ugly, grinning face anymore. That he won't interfere in anything to do with me or my daily tasks. He won't be walking around, leering over my shoulder or checking up on me. He won't be able to have me in for little pow-wows anymore. Did I mention that I won't have to see his ugly face again?

In honour of his last day, I have written him this little note.

Dear John,

Today is your last day here! Congratulations on getting far enough up the a$$es of the executives to be given your own business! You're a real go-getter aren't you? I'm sorry that I didn't sign your going away card properly. I thought long and hard about what I wanted to say to you but realized that none of it would fit in the card so I just went with my name. Some might say that writing my name is one word more than you deserve, but what can I say? I'm forgiving.

I forgive you for questioning my mental health. I forgive you for hauling me in and giving me a dressing down at the end of the day when I was on my way to my sister's Confirmation. I forgive you for making me think of 50 things that I liked about this job (I still can't even think of 10, maybe 3?). I forgive you for promising me an ergonomic keyboard and not following through. Its not like I expected you to keep a promise. You're a manager after all. What would the world be like if managers kept their promises? Its a world I want no part of!

Don't worry. I'll never forget you. How could I forget the guy that came in here telling us all that you were going to make positive changes after the departure of the douche-bag-manager-with-no-first-name? You got us to open up about the challenges that we faced in the work place and then you used them against us. You taught me to always be wary of my supervisors, cover my a$$ (don't think I don't have a log of all your missteps, I do), and that morals don't apply in the business world.

What's that? You're not aware that I know about the indiscretion with your practically-married best friend? Oh, but I am. See, the person that got me this job? Your best friend's significant other. Good job though. I can see how that seemed like a good decision at the time. I mean you're in an open relationship, your best friend isn't, but its Palm Springs so anything goes. Who cares that you worked with the significant other?

I pretty much hated you on sight, long before I knew that you were a douche. You had adult braces and short sleeves. You carried your lunch in a bag and you wore a backpack. Seriously. I had worked here for 2 days and needed your IT support and you spoke to me as if I had a mental deficiency. I wanted to punch you.

Now that we are on the other side of all that John, I wish you nothing but the best. And by best I mean, I hope that you run your business into the ground. I hope that you work with people that undermine and disrespect you. I will not be joining you all for your farewell luncheon or partaking of your cake. I couldn't enjoy my food if it was anywhere near you. Also, I'm sorry that I didn't contribute to your gift. I figured you would understand that I'm too poor since you pay me in Nibs. Its too bad that there isn't a party later eh? You could get blind drunk, stoned , and take inappropriate pictures with your co-workers again. FUN!

I'm sure that this place won't be the same without you. People will probably be more relaxed, more work will get done without your constant coffee breaks, and we can only benefit from a decidedly less douche-y aura about the place.

Good riddance John. If I ever see you on the street somewhere, I will cross to the other side.

Bite me



  1. HERE HERE! Do you think we would get in trouble tomorrow on negativity if I brought in a cake for those to celebrate John's leaving?! I think it's necessary. I'm sorry I'm not there for you today. I'm sure John will make a point in talking to you and saying his goodbyes. Maybe even a hug? I kid, I kid!

  2. Well said. If only you could really tell him how you feel :.P At least you have a reason to celebrate a Monday!

  3. i love your blogs...I stumbled accross them looking for something about cubicles a while back and keep coming back...I hope you someday are the boss, for your own sake!!