Monday, May 10, 2010

Other People's Pain And Suffering

Its Monday. Which sucks. Hard. But you know what might cheer you up? The following story of heroism and grace.

There was a Newfie wedding (Newfie as in, those who are from Newfoundland). Which meant an open bar (and a cute bartender so the story goes) and "screech". What is screech? I don't mean Samuel Powers from Saved By The Bell (although, how great was that show?) no, something more sinister. "Screech" is a Newfie concoction, about 80% alcohol that, when abused, will leave you blind. Legend has it that true Newfies are able to drink a whole bottle without any lasting consequences.

If you are at all familiar with Newfies though, you will probably disagree with that statement.

Sometimes its fun to initiate non-Newfies by the kissing of the cod and drinking of the "screech". This is not a good idea when you have already been drinking (more than you need to because of a desire to continue to practice your Dutch with the hot Dutch bartender) and are wearing heels. Some will maintain that the wearing of the flip flops later in the evening was actually the problem but I would say that that is incorrect.

So you, as a non-Newfie, pass the "screech" test when you don't pass out or go blind. Your designated driver signals that its time to go home and somehow you end up in the back of a pick up truck, because you are nothing if not classy.

When its time to get out of the truck, you fall out instead.

And you smash your elbow on the curb.

But you're fine. And by fine, you mean you have been drinking all night and the screech (I got tired of the quotations) has numbed your body.

In the morning you feel the effects of your truck tumbling. Your elbow is now the size of a grapefruit.

A week later you show your cousin who keeps accidentally (or not) bumping your elbow at lunch for Mother's Day (it really was accidental). Your elbow is still huge and swollen and bruised. You have to have an x-ray to see if you broke your elbow. Your cousin laughs at you and tells you she is going to feature the story on her blog.

Which she just did. The last part in 3rd person.

But you can't get mad at her because you know that she has a pathetic, unrewarding and poorly paying professional life and featuring stories of other people's pain and suffering is one way to bring a small glimmer of sunshine to an otherwise grey and dull Monday morning.


Plus, its not like I haven't been there before. Haven't broken my elbow, or fallen out of a pick up truck...but there was that time with the curb and the taxi that left me unable to walk for weeks. Something in the genes has left us unable to drink and walk.

I hope that you all enjoyed the story. I told you, heroism and grace. Heroic because she drank screech and lived to tell of it, graceful because she fell out of a pick up truck. And blamed it on the flip flops.

I sincerely hope that the elbow is not broken. But it probably is.

If you want to make my agile and elegant cousin feel better (and you do because she broke her elbow and really, who does that? ) about her broken elbow, feel free to leave your own "grace under pressure" stories. And by grace under pressure, I mean your I-got-drunk-and-fell-down stories.

Happy Monday.


  1. My story isn't "my story"'s actually Howards....I think that's what you are calling him.. Pablo's dad?

    Anyways, one time, he got really drunk on a roadtrip in winter, and he stumbled out of a bar to find these guys smoking. He decides to lecture them on how they are killing themselves and him as well. He tells them they are asses for doing so and storms off only to slip on his ass due to ice. Pretty golden eh?

    One of me falling on my ass is once, I was lecturing some friends about how well composed I am when I drink. 5 minutes later, I fall down 12 stairs and sprain my ankle.

    I R special.

  2. Aw, I hope your cousin's elbow isn't broken. She'll have an interesting explanation to give when people ask, won't she? As I read this, I was reminded of a story of my own, so I'm happy you asked us to share our own! I've written a post about it: