Thursday, January 21, 2010

For The Record...

For those of you that need to be in the know, know this: I beat my own record. 147. Only just, but a record is a record. So there.

Yesterday was kind of peaceful in the end. John wasn't in the office. No he didn't have any kind of infection that would keep him housebound for weeks, or even get hit by a truck (I don't have that kind of luck) but he was away for a day, and the break was nice.

First thing this morning he was back at my desk though. "Did we break any records yesterday?"

First of all, there is no we. There is me and there is you. We are not a team. So we didn't do anything. But yes, I broke my own record. Thanks for manipulating me and ruining my morning. Two birds, one stone.


So aside from the Lucifer visitation, I wanted to discuss something that has been annoying me lately: hierarchy.

If you have been following my blog of late (and if you aren't, what is the deal? I don't make you laugh? You can't commiserate? So disappointed in you) you will know that we have been hiring a lot of new people lately. Not all of them are very competent.

But they think they are.

When I was in school, I used to get really excited when we got a new person (what is with all my school/youth references eh? Guess I was happy then?). A chance to make a new friend, show someone the ropes. This excitement carried over to other jobs, where I would invariably be the one training the new people. I enjoyed it.


New people arrive, I turn around in my seat for the obligatory "Hi this is so-and-so, it will be starting today" and turn back to my wall. If we are alone in the lunchroom, I usually bury my nose in my book, or flip obsessively through my iPhone apps. Because I can.

Why am I such a jerk? Because the newbies need to know their place.

Here's what I really can't stand. When the FNPs (F**king New People, or F**king New Person, singular) come in and have an hour's worth of training on the job and suddenly I work for them. I can't stand overhearing conversations like this either. Some FNP comes in and has a "question" for someone that is senior to them (I am senior to all but 4 people here FYI), and their tone implies that they know better already.

You don't.

Sit down.

I have come up with some rules for the FNPs.

1. Don't speak unless spoken to. You don't know what you are talking about. So just listen. You're not here to show off what you did at your old job, or what you learned today. You're here to get sh*t done, so how about giving it a shot.

2. Keep your personal life personal. I don't care to have the peace of the lunchroom interrupted by your whiney voice. I'm sure that your friends are jerks, but I don't want to hear about it. I also don't care about significant others, children, or pets, problems you are having with your family or why your roommate is a moron. Maybe eventually we will get to the point where we are friends and I will care about these things, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it will take a while if it happens at all.

3. Don't wear hats in the office. You look stupid, Nathan.

4. Be careful who you latch onto. Take your time, look around the office. See how people interact. Don't hang onto the first person to talk to you, because obviously that person doesn't have any friends in the office and is looking for fresh meat. Congratulations, you just befriended the office pariah. Alternatively, don't kiss a$$. You are not making any friends that way. No false compliments like "OMG you are SO funny" - if its a manager, they're not funny. They are in charge. Learn the difference.

5. If they stick you in someone else's desk, don't touch anything. That's not your desk. Don't get your nasty FNP germs all over everything. Take your garbage with you.

I think that's it. Now for the Record, if you are a cool FNP (and you are. you can't help it that you're new) I would be your friend. I would show you the way. This is for all the other FNPs.

Now, this last bit has nothing to do with anything I just said, but I feel its worth sharing. I got an email today about my goddaughter. She is 6 years old and she is participating in a Heart and Stroke Foundation fundraiser. She's 6! She will be jumping rope and she is looking for donations! So if you know me and you are looking for some tax relief, or you want to show your support for a socially aware 6 year old, let me know and I will forward you the link to her page.

Way to go Maya!!


  1. Thanks for the Maya plug, you are such a great God Mother!

  2. Thanks to rule #4 this cool FNP is now too scared to accept the offer to go to lunch with the one nice person in the office... but being a FNP is so lonely :(

  3. Congrats to Maya; great to see kids at that age get involved with worthwhile charities and heart and stroke is such a great cause. Kudos!

  4. I already told you, YOU are an exception. A cool FNP. I mean, maybe still be wary, but sitting by yourself can only happen for so long too. Just be choosy. Could be work soulmates, could be a stalker. That's all I'm saying.