Orange You Glad I Didn't Say Banana?

Yesterday afternoon we got the following email:

Olga is no longer working here.

That was it. And then I did my happy dance. For 2 reasons. First, it means that I don't have to deal with her sh*t anymore, clean up her professional messes, face her awkwardly in the lunchroom, or dodge book loaning questions. And secondly, she had already returned my book on Wednesday!

To recap: I got my book back and I got rid of the problem.

Yes I probably should feel bad that I had a hand in a co-worker losing her job. But I don't. Because I have tried this before and it hasn't worked. I'm pretty sure the only reason that Olga is gone is because Veronica did not like her. So for once, Veronica made herself useful.

Lots to get to today people. Yesterday when I was googling myself to see if my blog made it when you searched "cubicle" (it doesn't-what gives?) I found this . And I died a little inside. The cubicle? Is not a toy. Its a depressing state of mind. Don't force it onto your children. Teach your kids to reach higher than their own cubicle. Unless your kid is exhibiting Veronica-like tendencies and then by all means, keep her expectations low.

Today when I searched cubicle, I came across the most depressing cubicle 'winners'. Wired magazine ran a contest...and some of the entries ...well they are definitely worse than mine. Mine is less about the work space (although the walls could be shorter) and more about the state of mind of the other cubicle rats. I hate people. Have a look- could make your workspace look like the Taj Mahal.

Onto more important things. Hockey. Unfortunately playoffs bring out certain kinds of fans: puckbunnies and the bandwagoners. Yes I also do not like the way bandwagoners sound. Anyway- in my office I am surrounded by them. Puckbunnies are girls that don't watch during the regular season but when their boyfriends abandon them for the playoffs they get on board. They start wearing their boyfriend's jerseys, arranging to go to games (which they don't watch) and spouting off hockey stats that they don't know anything about. And they commit this cardinal sin: they buy the pink jersey. I. Hate. Pink. Jerseys. You know what? The Canucks have pretty sweaters, the colours are nice; get a real one. Bandwagoners are those that don't watch any regular season hockey but when the team is winning they are all over it. More like an excuse to drink and cause trouble in the city. Like these people needed an excuse. Jerks. As soon as the team falters they are all over them like white on rice, spouting all kinds of nonsense like they knew they couldn't do it.

(For the record [no not you Record, I'm using the actual phrase this time] I did watch during the regular season. All the time. And I believe. I believe hard)

Veronica? A puckbunny. She's wearing her nephew's vintage Canucks sweater today. Its too small. Too tight. And last week she told me that when she watches, the Canucks lose.

Please stop watching.

Now I would love to rag on Chicago some. But I am conflicted. My hero, Jen Lancaster lives there. And also, last year we raged on Chicago and look what happened. Bad things. So this year, we are continuing with the cautious optimism. We are not the same team we were last year. Our goalie? Now a gold medal winner. Henrik? Art Ross Trophy winner, Hart Trophy nominee (for MVP of the NHL).

But still. The Blackhawks? Hooligans. You can't predict what hooligans will do.

Finally. Today is my national holiday. Today my people (the Dutch for those of you new to the blog) have festooned themselves in orange (yours truly included), are wandering the streets or tooling around canals on boats drunk and just generally having an excellent time. Sure, some might say that orange is a heinous colour ("whoever said that orange was the new pink, was seriously deranged") but they would be wrong. You just need to have the right pride. And actually, orange isn't that bad. Its cheerful.

Plus there is that excellent joke about orange. Knock knock. Who's there. Banana. Banana who? Knock knock. Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn't say banana.

Hilarious right??

I should be drinking with my people. Mona, Emily, Angela...drink for me? I know you ladies are totally up to the challenge.

And I will be going to the pub around the corner at lunch to toast you all.

Happy Weekend!

The Disney Conspiracy

Note to self: Do not start your day with an e-learning course. They make you bored before the day has even started.

I don't even really understand the point of forcing us all to do these courses (6 of them, an hour each more or less) when most of us won't even be here in 6 months! But that's just me, making sense again. I really must try to stop doing that. It annoys people.

OH, my cousin has returned from Disneyland with the most devastating news! No Dug! She said that she went to like every store in Disneyland (and you know there must be thousands, all pushing little plush Disney characters) and it was as though they didn't even make the movie UP. No UP merchandise to be found. What the hell Disney? Why are you depriving me of Dug? Conspiracy much?

My morning? Not off to a good start. I almost cried on the bus again this morning because my book got all sad on me. I was expecting more bodice ripping (historical fiction, what can you do?), not heart wrenching!

I did just set up my caffeine drip though so hopefully things take a more promising turn.

But honestly? Probably not.

Ladies and gentlemen, Veronica has gone on a power trip. Is that your surprised face?

OK maybe it isn't so surprising. But its hella aggravating.

Anna said that she was fine while I was away, but let me tell you, she had attitude when I returned. First she decided to just not acknowledge my absence at all. I went over to say hi and ask a question and she just waited for the question. She's usually all about the chit chat.

Then I was getting stuff done because I'm amazing like that and she didn't like the way I was taking charge and decided to create a new process that would make everyone's life unnecessarily complicated. I emailed her (and Amy) and told them that the new process was a lot of unnecessary rework and outlined a WAY simpler way of doing things. They way she had set it up a) didn't make any sense and b) encouraged no one to take responsibility for anything ever. Which as we all know, is the best way to run a business.

Oh man was I told! First she told me that if I wanted to do it all then to go ahead by all means (but not to forget this and that and oh this thing also will need to get done) (who even says "by all means"? Only cartoon villains to my knowledge). She ended it all by saying "Amy left this up to me to implement, so this is the way we are going"

Effective and professional don't you think?

I believe that the bottom line here is that she wants to be my friend. But I don't let her be my friend. So she decides to flex her supervisor muscle and put me in my place instead. Which really inspires warm and fuzzy feelings in me towards her. The kind of feelings that just make me want to hug her, just squeeze her until all the breath leaves her body.
Too far?

Perhaps. But come on, I'm Dug-less!

In other news...no there is no other news. I'm pretty put out by yesterday's Veronica debacle. They way that girl talks to people! She is just petty and rude. And she is a supervisor. And you know she got a 6% raise. She got a full 6% raise speaking to "her team" like we are idiots, calling us out on "our mistakes", never taking any responsibility for her own, flouting the dress code and kissing a$$. Really inspiring don't you think?

But one day, one day soon I am going to leave here for a better place. And she will still work here. Forever and ever.

Amen.

A (Sort Of )Triumphant Return

Like the prodigal son, I have returned.

That's about as far as my knowledge of the story of the prodigal son goes...so ashamed. My Catholic school education has left me with nothing!

I just really liked how that opening sounded...

But yes, I am back. I know that you missed me. I know that you depend on my sorry professional life to make you feel better about yours. I am happy to provide the entertainment.

I wish that I was writing this to you wearing my shiny new jacket and shoes. But alas. I had to special order the shoes for my giant feet and the jacket...is too good for here.

First the high points: Going through my 700 emails (seriously guys, no one was able to go through the emails in the morning, make sure that our 24 hour email response time was honoured? No?) it appears that I am missed. It took 4 people to do what I do in one day. They must really be glad that they got me for such a bargain now eh?

F*ckers.

Sorry. Don't know where that came from. Other good things...after sitting on my a$$ for the better part of 2 days...my knee does feel somewhat better. Not 100% and I don't know what it will feel like after today, but for right now, progress.

And that's where the good ends.

Pretty much.

Weird how much harder it is to get out of bed to go to a job that you hate after a 4 day respite from said job. Weird how my sleep was affected and how this morning my case of lockjaw or teeth grinding or nerve damage has come back.

Want to know how I spent my sick days? Well you know what I did on Monday (answering the age old question of 'do Mondays still suck if you don't have to work?' YES) but what about yesterday when I wasn't being simultaneously screwed by the government and my job?

I'm so glad that you asked.

I woke up around 10.30? Watched some episodes of Say Yes to the Dress that I had recorded. And then Who Do You Think You Are? Brooke Shields discovered that she is related to Henry IV, The Sun King and all sorts of other French royals. Cool right? Bet I'm just related to a bunch of Dutch peasants. Really smart, good looking ones though. Obviously.

I do believe that there was some sports highlights to be watched (because The Boyfriend was home too and sports is like oxygen to that boy). I know we had KD for lunch and watched Father of the Bride Part II (90s movies were great, I don't care what you say). I had a bubble bath and read in the tub after The Boyfriend kicked my a$$ at Crazy 8s over and over and over again. I don't know what was wrong with me. Apparently I wasn't even "trying to win". Yes I was! I hate to lose at anything. Obviously he was cheating.

Amazing how quickly the day goes by when you wake up late, watch a bunch of crap TV, and have a bubble bath. We watched the first 2 periods of the Detroit/Phoenix game but when it became clear that Phoenix wasn't going to rally...we watched the first three episodes of the 4th season of The Tudors.

And that was the day. Really exciting right? As much as I hate my job, I definitely could not stay in the house all day every day like that. So I guess I discovered (again) that I like to work. I just don't like to work here. An important realization as I come to the end of my enforced labour here.

And that was that. I still have thousands of emails to get through so I better get at it. Thanks for stopping by!

PS today's quote from my famous women quote a day calendar..."The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting" - Gloria Leonard.

Words to live by people, words to live by.

Tax Deadline

You know how sometimes you just can't face going to work? Sometimes you have so many things to do that you just need the day to get them done. Or you have a bum knee that really could use the rest. Maybe your work said they were giving you a 2 out of a possible 3% raise but then you found out that it was actually out of a possible 6% and you just can't stomach going there to see those people and trust yourself to be totally pleasant.

Maybe, if you're really lucky, its all 3.

I have been putting off getting my taxes done. Well that's not completely true. I tried to get The Boyfriend to do them when he was doing his but then it turned out it was all complicated and sh*t so I had to take it in to a tax place to get it done. And if you know me at all, you know that this didn't happen.

With the big tax deadline looming (its Friday in Canada...right?) I figured that it was high time to sort that out. And then I found all manner of awesome things to do in the meantime. But today I woke up in a cold sweat and realized that if I didn't do it today I would be totally f*cked. That and the fact that it was all warm and cozy in bed and my knee was bothering me and the whole raise percentage fiasco as mentioned above...I called it in.

So I gathered all my forms and made my way to the mall to get some tax person employed by the mall (they have to have more credentials than that right? They are just using the mall because they know that people like me will find them there?) to do them for me.

While she was doing it I told myself that I would owe like $600. You know, so that when I had to pay $200 or got money back, it would be that much better.

But I didn't believe that I would actually have to pay that much! I mean, I make no money. How can the government not give me money as a We're-sorry-that-you-paid-all-that-money-with-no-help-from-us-for-a-degree-that-you're-not-even-using present? Right?

Wrong.

I didn't owe $600.

It was closer to $700.

Turns out that my "new" employer (remember how I was sold last summer?) didn't take the right deductions and now the government wants its money.

Neat.

So I sat there trying a) not to cry b) not to swear (more) and c) to breathe. Tricky business. I didn't even manage it. I totally dropped the f bomb and also might have cried. Just a little though. I was so angry. I'm still pretty pissed. Its definitely going on the list of things to discuss in my exit interview.

Silver lining? Like the finance minister tabling a new budget, I got new shoes. And I didn't have to pay for them because The Boyfriend, fearing for my mental health and his own safety bought them for me. He's smart like that.

Then I went to Aritzia and bought the most gorgeous jacket. I had a gift certificate. And also the girl, seeing my distress, only charged me one tax (like I was under 15).

I almost forgot about the whole tax debacle after we came out of the 2pm show of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.

Until I came home and had to write the cheque to the government.

I'm still mad at my job. How they can sit there and tell me they are giving me 2 out of a possible 3% raise when its actually out of 6% ie lie to my face, I don't know. I'm still undecided if I'm going in tomorrow. Perhaps my knee needs more rest.

One things for sure--my new jacket and shoes are fabulous.

Karmic Kickback?

I'm freezing cold right now. No my office hasn't turned the air conditioning on. Although they did enjoy that little trick during the winter.

No, no, I'm freezing because I am an idiot and seriously need to look into getting a spring coat.

That's right, I came to work today sans jacket. Why would I do something so dumb, so elementary when I'm 25 years old and should know better?

The short answer? It didn't look that cold outside.

My whole life I have never been that person that is prepared for any kind of weather. Ever. I'm always the person rocking hand-me-down boots and coats (from the person that has taken me to be exposed to the elements when I would have been just as happy sitting inside with a warm beverage), hoping to get back inside as quickly as possible.

I'm also horrible at predicting what the temperature might be by just looking out the window. It looked like it was kind of clearing up so it couldn't be cold could it? Not so much. When I actually walked outside (after having specifically removed my umbrella from my bag because it was taking up book space and it wasn't going to rain anyway) it looked like it was going to rain and actually? Was kind of windy.

In some respects then it shouldn't be surprising that in April, a famously inclement and unpredictable weather month, I'm alternatively sweating home on the bus in a scarf and winter coat or freezing on my 2 block walk to and from the bus in nothing but a light sweater.

Why don't I have a spring coat? Well. Don't think I haven't tried. I have spent the better part of 2 years looking for a new coat. One for winter, one for summer. Want to know the last time I got a new winter coat? I'm not sure that you do.

It was in Grade 12. What is that now? Seven years ago? Eight? Something like that. The lining is completely destroyed but other than that its holding up pretty well. And let me tell you, I have worn the hell out of that thing.

But I can't find a coat that fits properly. And so, I freeze.

What else what else? I thought that the freezing-on-account-of-no-proper-coat thing would take longer to explain, and also that it would be more amusing but I fail on both counts and I don't want to annoy Brian with another manicure-esque post.

Yesterday I was kind of an office jerk. I ratted out my co-worker. All. Day. Long.

Why would I do such a heinous thing when we are all in this together and we're just trying to get through the days?

Because she is a moron. By now you are all familiar with my good friend Olga. She is an idiot. Maybe she interviews really well? Maybe the Temp agency just sent her here. I dunno. But she is not working out.

Since she is incapable of learning how to do her job (which really? Is not that hard) my job becomes that much more difficult. Why's that? Because part of my job description reads: 'cleaning up dumba$$ messes'.

It really does say that.

OK, no it doesn't. But it might as well.

So its not like this is the first time that I may have mentioned that Olga might be having trouble with the concept of her job. But I have always been brushed off, told to just 'take care of it'.

I'm not sure what changed? Perhaps Veronica is tired of pretending to do the quality control check? Don't know, don't really care. But I mentioned something that Olga had missed and Veronica asked me for a list. Boy was I prepared with a list. Veronica actually told me that it will be part of the case she is building that "Olga isn't the best fit".

This. On the day that I finally lend her my book.

How's that for karmic kickback?

PS www.bookdepository.com is the greatest site ever. After you buy your books (at crazy cheap prices- I got 4 books for $28) you can watch other people shop. I could seriously do that all day.

PPS I finished Bright Lights, Big Ass. It might be even better than Bitter.

The One Where I'm All Gangsta Yo!

Yesterday, as I was leaving Olga cried out "Please can you remember to bring that book tomorrow?!"

She almost didn't make it through the rest of her day on account of I stabbed her. With my eyes. Who does she think she is asking to borrow my book? She don't know me. I was about to get all up in her grill...

But because I just 'front' at being a b*tch I brought the book today. My beautiful, wonderful, hilarious got-me-through-a-really-dark-time Jen Lancaster book is in the clutches of Olga.

Hold me.

I totally exaggerated by the way. It didn't get me through any particularly bleak period...aside from those times that I was, you know, at work. Here.

The Universe better bring her home safe to me. Or plagues will rain down. I'm thinking locusts?

I know that I have an unnatural attachment to my books (you know how in hostels they have those "take a book, leave a book" stations? I took a book...I could not leave one. I'm that a-hole) but let's be real here, books are the greatest things ever.

Anyway, sometimes I don't get my books back-- I'm looking at you Audrey. The first time I ever leant a book to a co-worker she stopped coming to work shortly thereafter. I never saw 4 Blondes again- and damn it that was a good book!

Why didn't I say that I had borrowed it from a friend?

That's definitely the answer when she asks if she can borrow Bright Lights, Big Ass which is what I am reading now (another Jen Lancaster, because, let's face it, the woman is a genius. The downside is that I look crazy laughing out loud on the bus).

Let's practice, shall we?

Olga: I know that we're not in any way friends and I'm horribly useless but could I borrow your book?
Me: sorry, I borrowed this one from a friend.

Oh, yes! That will work well!

I know of one thing that will never find its way into her clammy little hands. My talking-Dug-that-my-oh-so-smart-and-beautiful-cousin-is-going-to-smuggle-back-from-Disneyland! I'm excited to squeeze him and hear things like "squirrel!" and "will you please be my prisoner?"

If you don't know what I'm talking about, you really need to see UP. Like for real.

You know, considering my beloved book is in the death grip of a moron, my blog class was cancelled and The Boyfriend has been moved to start working night shifts starting next weekend (let's not get started on that) I'm in a pretty alright mood. I've somehow tricked myself into being happy. And that is seriously f*cked up.

It's pretty damn impossible to be miserable when the sun is shining in your face and your Canucks totally came through for you last night like you totally knew they would. I did. I kept telling The Boyfriend to calm the f*ck down because the Canucks were going to pull through and they did. In a big way.

I would like to send a big thank you out to my VEG who is just as crazy as me (see her post yesterday) and who provided me with a new way to swear, sh*t g*d damn. It feels so right. And came in really handy a few times during the stroke-inducing 3rd period last night.

Oh and for all the rest of you book lovers out there (and I know that that's like practically all of you) my friend sent me a link to a website with impossibly cheap books that also happens to have free shipping. www.bookdepository.com

There is of course a really good chance that you all already know about this website and I'm the last to know because well...with these kinds of things thats the story of my life.

Oh The Things I Could Buy!

Today we are all going to participate in a fun little exercise.

As you all know my raise came through. I know I know, it only took 2 years, 2 months, and 23 days. It feels wonderful to be so appreciated.

Now the fun begins! What to do with my $595 extra a year? Its a lot of money and a good thing that I don't get it all at once or I might do something crazy with it.

First we're going to break it down. In one day I now earn $2.40 more. In a week, an extra $12. In a month a whole $48 extra.

You are so jealous right now. Look at you! You can barely even hide it!

I could do something boring with it like invest in my retirement (with this raise I could retire so much sooner!) but I want to do fun things! This raise has been a long time coming and I really want to make the most of it.

OK. Daily I could...buy myself a bagel. With cream cheese. If I saved for 2 days I could buy you one too! I could buy some gum, or a really trashy magazine (the classier ones run about 2-3 days worth of raise). I could buy myself a tea at Starbucks after 2 days of raise. If I waited 3 days I could get a chocolate croissant too (and we know I love me some chocolate croissant).

In a whole week I could buy lunch for me. A second week and if you're nice I might buy your lunch too. I could probably swing a new lipgloss, or a bottle of OPI nail polish. But only if I get a good deal. Some salons charge more than $12. I could get a romance novel. If I had another $1.50 I could buy the next Stieg Larsson book that comes out this summer (I finished The Girl Who Played With Fire last night...go read it now so we can discuss). Oh wait, I have an irewards card so I should be good. But thank you for offering to make up the difference. So generous!

After a month of saving my raise, we're really starting to get somewhere! $48 all to myself! I could go get a pedicure! Or buy a new dress at H&M. I could go crazy at Sephora and buy...mascara. Or an eyeshadow palette. A new pair of shoes...at Payless. Maybe I should splurge on a Blu-Ray for The Boyfriend, get him in on the raise action. Its got to be enough for a talking Dug at Disneyland right? Oh but thats American dollars. Are we at par right now? My raise is retroactive all the way to April 1st so another week and I should have enough!

If I saved my raise for 6 whole months I would have $288. Big. Bucks. Sure I could use the money to make a dent on my credit card, but where is the fun in that? I could buy like 288 iphone apps! Or really go crazy at Sephora. Buy some jeans, a top, a cute dress, shoes. Some sort of electronic that I'm completely clueless about so maybe better to let The Boyfriend figure that out. I could spend a night in Whistler. Or tickets to a Canucks game. Scratch that- a ticket to a Canucks game.

After a whole year I would have $595 whole dollars all for me. All the yelling, snotty emails, the meetings with John, the belittling...its all been worth it for $595. If only I had known that this pot of gold was waiting at the end of my rainbow. I could get the iPad. I could get like 12 talking Dugs from Disneyland and line them up and make them say things like "I can smell you!" in a round (like when you sang Row Your Boat in elementary school). A new camera. One car payment (I don't have a car...but I'm this much closer now!)

(I know, I said 'like' way too much in that last paragraph. I disgust myself too)

I can't even think of what all I can do with all this wealth- its too much! I need your suggestions!

Who am I kidding- its all going to bagels and nail polish. But feel free to throw more ideas my way.

The Day Part Of My Soul Died

Its a grey, rainy morning today, which is just as well because it totally suits my mood.

Obviously that thing that happened last night in that hockey game? That will not be discussed except to say that those boys are breaking my heart. I really think I'm heartbroken and I blame The Boyfriend 100% for making me care. Jerk.

Remember how yesterday I was all excited about my blogging course that starts on Thursday? Well that's all gone to sh*t as well. I got a call yesterday from someone that is somehow involved with the course who told me that due to poor enrollment (I guess 3 people does not a full class make) the class has been cancelled. Of course it has. So now I won't learn how to be a proper blogger and I can't put it on my resume as an employable skill.

I'm kind of in full on snark mode today. Which is good news for those of you that like an extra helping of snark with their coffee. For those of you that prefer sunshine and rainbows...I'm not sure how you found me, but perhaps take the day off.

Another office birthday today. There was one yesterday too. Office birthdays are the best. I walked in this morning to a desk covered in streamers, balloons and confetti. I wonder what its like for co-workers to care that its your special day. You know what birthday girl? You share your birthday with Hitler. So how about that? They are throwing all pretense of budget restrictions out the window and only celebrating birthdays on the other team, or the important people's birthday. Which really leaves me feeling all warm and f*cking fuzzy.

They made another woman cry at work yesterday. I heard the before ("can I talk to you about something for a minute?"), I saw the after (blotchy, red face, no verbal capacity- she's not in today and I don't blame her) and am left wondering, what the hell is wrong with managers? Did they not read the chapter on how not to be a$$holes?

I sure wish that I had some way of getting a talking Dug from the movie Up. I know that that would cheer me up. If only I knew someone that was going to say...Disneyland then I'm sure that I would be able to get my hands on one.

I was also about 30 seconds late this morning (thanks major arterial construction) and on the way in I kept thinking about how irritated I was that they were going to say something about the itty bitty lateness when I'm never told "Hey, I noticed that you were about 20 minutes early this morning so why don't you just take off 20 minutes early?". A$$hats.

Finally I understand that many days I clearly don't give a sh*t about what I'm wearing to the office. In my defense, work clothes cost money and I don't get paid very well. Also its not like I'm showing up in ripped or sleazy clothes. They just tend more towards comfort. And yes I did stop wearing make up but that's because you lot really aren't worth the effort. Also, I have a pretty face. Naturally.

However, its Spring and the sunshine has made me happy. So I bought new dresses. This is in no way a reflection of the people I work with growing on me or my working situation improving in any way. Its more that I got new clothes and I need to accessorize and groom accordingly. Yesterday the compliments were focused on how adorable my dress was (it was). Today its more "Why are you all dressed up?"

1. I'm not dressed up. This is actually how I dress when I'm happy. I don't dress this way normally because I hate you.
2. F*ck off.

I think that about covers it. Oh actually no it doesn't. Amazing news guys. Raises came through. Only 2 months after we discussed it too. Don't worry they are retroactive all the way to April 1st. I don't even know what I'm going to do with all this extra money! I mean $595 extra a year is going to make a huge difference.

Bling, Blizzards and Some Other Word That Starts With 'B'

The tree outside my window is starting to sprout leaves. Does a tree sprout leaves? Sport leaves perhaps? Regardless, the leaves are starting to...bloom. And this is the 3rd time I have seen it happen to this tree.

Ugh.

Monday. And its grey out there. No lovely sunshine to improve my mood.

I did come into my little stuffed dog doing something inappropriate to my stress horse. I'm sure that you had nothing to do with that right Brian? Maybe you didn't. I always assume that its you now. I especially liked the framed picture of the Olsen twins. Such style and grace, framed on my desk. A nice touch.

But its still Monday.

And I have nothing to say.

So how about a random collection of thoughts? These are always fun (for me).

There is a group of men on the street looking up into the sky. I wonder what they are looking at. They look ridiculous.

My wonderful cousin is going to Disneyland at the end of the week and she is going to bring me back a talking Dug from the movie Up because she is awesome like that. If you have somehow not seen Up you need to sort your sh*t out because that movie is like the greatest movie ever made. And Dug is perhaps the best character ever. Is this a good enough reminder? Perhaps we could make this a feature for the week: "New and Exciting Ways to Remind My Cousin About My Dug". Good thing that volcano isn't anywhere near Disneyland eh?

I went to the Canucks playoff game on Saturday. It was at once the most exciting and most heartbreaking thing I have ever been a part of. And let's not even discuss the state of my heart rate when there was overtime. Game 3 tonight. Let's steal one on the road boys!

I got a shiny new case for my iphone. I have wanted a blinged out case for it since I got it but wasn't able to find one. I found one this weekend. It was covered in black rhinestone-y things and had a silver skull pirate with a pink eye patch on the back. I know that my 13 year old sister would totally have coveted it (which is the basis of so many decisions these days) so I had to have it. It was only for ipod touch. I settled on classic silver bedazzling instead. Sure, people mock me, but I know its just an outlet for their jealousy.

We did not find The One when we were apartment hunting on Friday. Our realtor remains hella confident that she will find it for us and because she is fantastic and has impeccable taste, we have 100% trust that she will. We actually tagged along for one last viewing Saturday morning with another couple. They were jerks. Are you not excited to be looking at potential homes? No? Just a hassle? Then why not rent forever?

I had a dream last night that it was my birthday and I forgot it. This would never happen. Apparently when you dream about your birthday you are accepting yourself. But I dreamt that I forgot my birthday so does that mean the opposite? Or was it just because of the Blizzard that I had right before bed? Probably the Blizzard. We're the same age (me and the Blizzard).

A new girl is starting today. And she doesn't seem incompetent, so I'm assuming that there has been some mistake. The best part? Veronica's spiel "This is where I sit. Not everyone has 4 monitors ha ha ha"

Last week I got an email from a friend that said she is just starting to read my blog and she started from the beginning so that she would know who everyone was and "why you dislike John so much"-- first off I don't dislike him, I hate him. Second, you are a genius, you should read all my words. Anyway, I went back and read some posts from the months ago and...well I think you should do the same if you're new. Because I wrote some quality stuff last year.

My blogging class starts Thursday! Maybe I will learn how to actually blog and make people like me! Exciting.

I just discovered a downside to my blinged out iphone cover. My phone is always on vibrate at work and I leave it on my desk. Well Anna just sent me a text and it the vibration on the desk with the rhinestone-y things...made a funny sound, like a cross between a duck and a fart.

OK kids, I think thats lots for a Monday morning. Don't forget about Dug.

Go Canucks Go!

The Rules

Even though it's Friday, even though the Canucks gained a spectacular victory last night, even though the sun will be shining in my face in about 4 minutes, I'm not in a good mood.

Some might say I'm in a bad mood and they wouldn't be far off; I'm in a horrible mood.

So screw you Mr Sun, you're not changing my mind.

I have some rules for the general population (and especially the dipsh*ts I work with) today so that they don't get hurt.

1. People on the bus should just quietly read or contemplate their lives. There is no need for talking or laughing, this is a morning bus. What are you so happy about anyway? You like going to work on a sunny Friday? You're nuts. If you have a cold, wear gloves. Don't wipe your nose with your hand and then grab back onto the pole. That's how you spread disease you inconsiderate fool. Oh, you had a tissue in your pocket the whole time? Weird that you didn't use that instead. Doing your make-up on the bus is also disgusting. Need to add another coat of lipgloss? Fine. Need to do your whole face with foundation, blush etc? Nasty. Wake up earlier. And for the love of all that is holy, if you are sitting on the aisle and the person on the window needs to get off the bus, get up and let them pass. It's not that I don't enjoy hitting you in the face with my bag as I try to climb over you (I do, and its your own fault) its just common courtesy to let me pass. You know?

2. If you make a mistake, own it. I don't care if you are a supervisor and you think you are somehow above taking responsibility for the crap that you mess up, you aren't. I'm certainly not going to take all the blame. You're right, I did log that incorrectly. Doesn't change the fact that you were supposed to be taking care of it the whole time and didn't. Feel free to not throw me under the bus to make you look good. I do twice the amount of work that you do and get paid less. Remember, I'm not here forever and I will be mentioning this in my exit interview.

3. Don't speak until my tea is finished. To you its just tea. To me, its office life. I can't get through the day without it, and you don't want me to try.

4. Keep your inane thoughts to yourself. I don't care that your earring is broken (in fact, I'm glad. It was a copy of mine and mine are better and real and you copied me. And now karma has broken them). I don't need to hear about what your last name will be if you marry your boyfriend. You know what? He's never going to marry you. Sorry to be harsh, but you started it. Also, feel free not to hum the 007 theme song.

5. No Maurice. Just. No. I know tht you are devastated not to have been able to get tickets to that UFC fight (that is back on in Vancouver. Sad face) but seriously stop trying to make me believe that UFC fighting is great. Its not. Its disgusting. And the fact that people are willing to pay $40,000 for a ticket does not convince me that its so amazing, it further convinces me that there are serious problems with the human race. So just stop.

You know what? That actually helped. Its like if I had been bitten by a venomous snake. You have to suck the poison out. MK- recognize the theory?

Its Friday. Just have to get through a few more hours and then...apartment viewings! Keep your fingers crossed that we find The One. Then we can start discussing all my career options and the jobs you all have lined up for me.

Oh, and VEG? I would love to share some Canucks chocolate with you.

Go Canucks Go!

What Ails Me?

So either from stress or age, my body is starting to fall apart you guys.

I should preface this with the fact that I don't like doctors. In my experience (and no I do not have a GP) they are not very helpful. They tell you things like 'get more rest' and 'drink lots'. Well those are things that I already know and probably have already tried. And guess what? Not working. That's kind of why I'm here in the first place, a more expert opinion.

So I rarely go, preferring to rely on my own expertise, resting when required and always drinking lots of water (I don't really drink anything else. Except tea).

But rest and water don't seem to be cutting it these days.

Let's play a game. I will tell you what is wrong with me, and you will pretend that you have some kind of medical knowledge and tell me what's wrong so that I don't have to sit in a clinic exposed to H1N1 waiting to see a doctor that won't even touch me to figure out what's wrong.

OK?

Fun!

Here we go.

A few weeks ago I started to feel a twinge in my right knee. Under the kneecap. I did not hit my knee or do anything to my knee to make it start feeling like this. I feel it when I'm just walking normally but it's worse when I am walking up or down stairs, and up or down any kind of incline. I have been icing it (kind of treating it like a sprain). Feels better for an hour, comes back at the same level of pain. Its a little puffy but not overly swollen. At rest some days it feels like growing pains in my knee.

What's wrong?

It's so irritating you don't even know. Even during aquafit last week (a workout at such low intensity your grandmother is a gold medallist) it was uncomfortable.

Thoughts?

The second ailment is more bizarre.

Last weekend I was out enjoying the sunshine on Granville Island, buying some massive, beautiful steaks for dinner that night and I started to feel some stiffness in my jaw on one side. I know, I know, all kinds of inappropriate jokes are running through your head right now aren't they? Of course they are, my mind works the same way.

By the time we got home I could barely open my mouth without some pretty nasty pain. Chewing my steak (my beautiful, rare steak) was painful. I couldnt bite down all the way, making chewing tricky. I looked online and the Internet told me that I had a tetanus infection and I could die. But I didn't have any kind of wounds that tetanus might have gotten into. So it probably wasn't that.

It might also have been an inflammation of the masticular muscles (the ones you chew with, masticulatory?? you get the idea) and that applying heat, rinsing your mouth with warm salt water and some kind of ibuprofen should take care of it in 10-14 days. I did all of those things, went to bed, woke up, problem was gone. A little residual soreness but it wore off over the day.

Yesterday it started up again. Today its not as bad as last night (I know, that's what she said) but its still uncomfortable.

What. The. Hell?

I'm thinking these ailments, plus the fact that my face is being a b*itch and breaking out is my body telling my job to go f*ck itself. But what can I do to fix it?

In the meantime, I thought that I would embrace spring and am wearing an adorable dress and I have bare legs. Yes ladies, its warm enough for bare legs. Halleluiah.

But what good will bare legs do in the longterm if I have a bum knee?

So lay it on me people. Your medical knowledge is being put to the test. You might even get a prize if you figure out how to fix me.

OK, no sense in creating false hope. There's no prize. Just my undying gratitude that I won't have to be put down.

Slightly More Optimistic. But Only Slightly.

Well kids today is a much better day. Partly because the sun is shining right in my face again (and will be for approximately the next 3 whole minutes), but mainly because of those of you that left some really wonderful comments on my blog yesterday! Its amazing what the kind words of strangers can do to a person's spirit.

I even tried to think of all the reasons my life doesn't suck. I was doing pretty well (personally things are fairly great) too.

But then I got to work.

And was immediately reminded of all the reasons why I can't stand this place. I definitely appreciate all the words of encouragement and take solace in knowing that I'm not the only one trapped in a kind of cubicle hell, for the interest of the blog, I must try to maintain a level of professional bitterness.

How about we compromise? I will continue to be bitter at this job, but at the next job I have to be nice.

Here we go.

You know what's amazing? Starting your day reading an email from a person telling you how to do your job. Even better is when this person is telling you how to do your job based on how its affecting her job.

Serenity now...

With Amy standing over my shoulder I was able to craft a biting, yet completely professional email that I am confident will shut her right the hell up. I was surprised that Amy was willing to back me up, usually she would just tell me that thats the way it is. It might have had something to do with my asking her why the rep had cc'd John and not her, since she is the manager of the department.

Anyway, the ability to send a snarky retort has somewhat restored my zen-like state of mind.

Ah well John just undid my email. Sad face. He started his reply with "Before things escalate any further..." What does he think she is going to do? Come over here? Please.

Had an interesting run in with John yesterday. You may remember that he has been awarded his own branch in the new system. Basically like owning his own Subway or Taco Bell. They just gave him his own branch. Whatever. If the company wants to put one of its branches into the hands of someone who engages in questionable behaviour with his staff at social functions, its none of my business.

He came around yesterday afternoon with a clipboard asking each of us in turn whether we were planning on staying with the company or moving on?

1. I don't think that a life altering decision like your job can be made on the spot with an audience.
2. John is such a worm.

He got to me. He asked me "So are you still planning on moving on (I have made no secret of this) or did that Call Centre presentation change your mind?"

Me: "Well John, I wasn't invited to that presentation, so I can't say. But I'm sure that it woudn't have made a difference"

John: visibly agitated "Well that was probably because we knew that you weren't interested..."

He walked away. Entirely enough John time for the week thanks. I'm sure he will be back to discuss the email that was sent, that I sent, that he sent...

my 2 cents is free...

No? No time for a little Eminem? Please. There's always time for classic Eminem.

That about sums it up for me this morning. Probably about time I look busy around here.

Oh. And if you are in the Vancouver area and you are looking for some shabby chic furniture for your home, take a peek at Sweet Tree Furniture ! And a big thank you to the One-Week Job project Facebook page for the link. Go look!

Collecting A Paycheque

I'm kind of depressed today folks. Usually an air of annoyance surrounds me in the office, but today its full out depression.

The root causes of my depression are two fold.

First, there was a certain gentleman that I share a bed with, that was still in bed when I left. He was supposed to go to work but he didn't. And this initially enraged me but now it depresses me. Sure, his department was disbanded and he's kind of in limbo until he gets reassigned. But generally, he has a good salary, job satisfaction and the ability to just not go to work.

I have none of those things. I'm 25. This depresses me.

The other cause of my depression has to do with my reading material of late. I have got to stop reading non-fiction accounts of people that found their passion and managed to get out of dead end cubicle jobs. Initially it was uplifting, now it just makes me want to jump off a bridge.

Remember that whole Julie & Julia fiasco when I cried instead of feeling uplifted and hopeful? (I tried to find you lovelies the link but...blogger is being a beyotch this morning)

Well if you will direct your attention to the right of the screen you will see a section entitled "Books on the Bus", right below my pathetic attempt at getting you to follow me on twitter and find the lastest culprit to elicit such a heartbreaking response from yours truly. "Books on the Bus" are the books that I'm reading right now- generally they get read on the bus, but sometimes I'm so hooked that I need to read them all the time- like what happened with The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo last week. Oh man that book was good. I literally woke up early on Saturday morning to finish that sucker.

(The Boyfriend did surprise me with its sequel, The Girl Who Played With Fire --I hope that means pyros...damn now I feel more bad about being so loud this morning while he was sleeping...)

Right...books. So I'm reading The One-Week Job Project by Sean Aiken. Basically this guy is 25, finished school and now has no idea what it is that he wants to do for work. So he comes up with this idea to test drive jobs for one week at a time for a whole year and see if that doesn't shed some light on his dilemma. Along the way he talks to people he's working with and for to see how they ended up doing that job and why they like it.

Here's the section that I read this morning that almost made me cry on the bus:

"Don't sell out, don't find a job that's a means to an end because its a paycheque for you [...] Find something in your heart that you want to do [...] it's about satisfaction and enjoying life. It's not about stressing on a Sunday night because you have to get up for something you don't want to do on Monday morning"

This from a guy that is spending his life trying to raise money to cure cancer.

What do I do? Sometimes I take one sheet of paper and add 3 to it. Sometimes there is just a series of mouse clicking and typing. No human interaction. No saving the human race. Not even saving the environment.

Just collecting a paycheque.

Depressed.

Sean also points out that a huge part of job satisfaction is the people you work with. I don't even have that. Those of you that have been checking in for a while know that I have an ineffective "boss", a stony-faced beyotch manager and a backstabby, fake supervisor. And let's not even get started on the collection of chimps that they have hired to 'work' here.

To sum up, I don't like my job, I don't get paid well, and I (mostly) don't like the people I work with.

It gets worse. I'm about to add a mortgage to the mix.

No, no, that part I'm really excited about. I just wish that people would list their apartments already so that we can view it, love it, buy it and I can work at Chapters until I find my heart's desire.

In the meantime I guess I will continue to read about other people that have done just that. Because I'm a sucker for punishment.

Interview Before Hiring, Perhaps?

Did everyone else have a lovely weekend? Filled with flowers and sunshine and flipping rainbows?


*sigh* My weekend was so nice. And over far too quickly. I even slept well last night, which accounts for my slightly better than usual Monday mood.

Don't worry, the good vibrations were fleeting. The system is messed up this morning which means that instead of being able to complete my transactions, I get to write down the client numbers, half-finish them and go back to them later. I love re-doing things too!

But more than that, my annoyance levels are creeping up because of Olga, she of the book borrowing dilemma .

I don't know what the deal is with this girl. Maybe its the fact that she is 35 and lives with her overbearing mother, maybe she doesn't have any social skills (see living with her mother), maybe she is just a dumba$$, I don't know. But this girl! What they saw in her that made them hire her I will never understand.

Last week I overheard her come up to Veronica with a proposition. Even though she is 35 and ostensibly has no expenses living with her mother, she asks Veronica for a loan. To help pay for her mother's surgery? No. For help with some outstanding bills? No. To buy this fabulous $200 purse she desperately needs. She tells Veronica that she doesn't have a credit card but will pay her back with interest. I can tell Veronica is uncomfortable but doesn't know how to say 'no' (so familiar with that feeling) so she says OK and that she assumes that Olga has at least half of the money now?

No.

Olga can offer her $60 now. And will pay the rest in 2 installments.

Who asks their boss for a loan to buy a purse and then offers to pay it back in installments?? Get a Sears card.

I just heard Olga come over and ask to borrow Veronica's sweater because she is cold. Should Veronica worry that this is going to turn into some weird stalker situation? I'm uncomfortable and its not even me that she's going after. She's probably smelling the sweater now, caressing it gently and thinking of all the ways that she can use it for her stalker voodoo.

Last week Anna had sent me an email inquiring about how old I thought Olga was. She's this tiny woman but her face...she seems older, but she dresses younger. Well, she tries to. We couldn't figure out how old she was.

Until I overheard another conversation Olga was having with (at?) Veronica. Apparently her mother is annoyed with her because she is "35 and doesn't have a boyfriend". Then she goes on to talk about her messed up relationship with her father (that hasn't been good since highschool) and how she is moving into her dad's place while he is away working and that she has to hurry back there now to change to locks so that her sister can't get in. Otherwise, things will go missing.

Now I sympathize with having a messed up family- you don't get to choose your family right? But. I do take issue with the airing of the dirty laundry at work like we care. Like Anna said, she might as well have put together a powerpoint presentation. Maybe throw in some pie charts and diagrams?

Don't you have friends that you can discuss this with? I guess the chances of that are not so high actually...

But seriously. This is work. We are not friends, we are not interested in what is happening in your personal life. Really, we're not.

Finally, perhaps you want to look into some better headphones, Olga. Last week you had your headphones in, full blast and people on the other side of the office could hear that you were listening to the Pussycat Dolls. And the Backstreet Boys. I'm not judging (much) because I know that I have some horrible music on my own ipod. Here's the difference: no one can hear my music. They don't know when I'm listening to Celine (there can only be one) or reliving the glory days of the Spice Girls.

Turn it down.

I have heard rumours that they are looking to hire an additional person. Here's hoping they actually talk to this one before they hire them. I don't know what it is about our hiring committe (comprised of Amy, Veronica and sometimes John so maybe it's not really that hard to see what's wrong) that they always seem to hire idiots. Its a real fluke when they hire someone decent.

Do you have an weirdos in your office?

Starbucks. That Is All.

It appears that I have some influence with the local paper (thanks Brian). They obviously religiously read my blog and decided that blustery was the perfect word to use for their photo caption.

I have another chapter in my war with Starbucks. It should be more interesting than my nail saga, but no promises. Hopefully people in condos next to offices will still walk around naked to make it all better.

It all started last night. I went to aquafit on Thursday instead of the normal Tuesday. Different instructor last night, one that kicked our butts. She was really good and she had a smile on her face the whole time she was doing it(satan) but this morning, there is some residual pain. So I slept hard. Like didn't-hear-my-alarm-clock-when-it-went-off hard. Luckily it had only been on for like 3 minutes, but still, that initial moment instilled panic.

Got dressed, planned to have breakfast, but there was no milk so no breakfast. Didn't think it was a problem because The Boyfriend was driving me to work (yay Boyfriend!), which meant: Starbucks.

Well Starbucks (I hope they google themselves today, jerks) really dropped the ball today. Its a drive-thru Starbucks and on a good day this particular location is sub-par. But I'm a creature of habit and a glutton for punishment (and foolishly hopeful that today they will have their act together) so we found ourselves pulling into that location. Today I think they all collectively gave up. The drive-thru line was impossibly long so I went inside. I grabbed the gift card that I got from John but I knew it wasn't enough so I grabbed my wallet too.

Which was still in my aquafit bag.

Good thing The Boyfriend had his debit card with him. Went inside, eyed down the chocolate croissants, noticed a girl I'm pretty sure went to my highschool and finally got to the front of the line after I heard the barista (baristo? It was a guy) tell the man in front of me that actually they didn't have any coffee today.

I'm-sorry-what? No coffee? At Starbucks? The coffee giant that is single-handedly responsible for creating an urban coffee culture? Has no coffee?

I'm sure glad that I drink tea!

"I'm sorry- the whole district has been out of earl grey tea for a week. White tea is almost the same though"

Uh. No. It isn't.

Walked out of Starbucks with nothing. Completely stunned. And starving. And sleepy. I didn't catch on to any of the jokes an unusually chipper Boyfriend cracked on the ride in.

How are they always out of earl grey tea??? Its obviously popular. Order. More.

I had no brain capacity for trying another Starbucks (how many times do you think I can call them out on this?) but The Boyfriend (I feel like we need to come up with a better nickname/false name for him) stopped in front of the next one (on the same street) to try again.

I waited in line, ordered my drink, positive that since the whole district was out and this was presumably in the same district as the first being on the same street and all, they wouldn't have any either.

They did. Magically.

Victory!

Until..."I'm pretty sure that your drink already has vanilla in it"

Sure. Whatever. Just please make sure there is vanilla in it.

I walk out into the sunshine, croissant in one hand, tea in the other ready to tackle another day.

Get to the office, sunshine is in my face, take a sip of my nice, hot, comforting tea...

...no vanilla.

FML.

Suzy Says Feng Shui

I painted my nails last night. Bright blue. OPI's Suzy Says Feng Shui (part of the Hong Kong collection). It looks awesome.

At least it did.

It was damn windy today on the hill (that I live on). So windy that I had to lean forward and push into it. If I had been riding a bike, it would have been slow going. Unless I was going the other way, and then it would have been helpful. Mona, Angela, Emily--you know what I'm saying (that was a shout out to my Dutch peeps).

Anyway I got to the bus stop and there were already about 7 people huddling inside the bus shelter. Which meant that I had to stand outside of it in the blustery wind (anyone else think of Winnie the Pooh with the word 'blustery'?). I thought I would make the most of it and dig my bus pass out of my bag. I blindly stuck my hand in my bag and found my wallet and pulled it out. A movie ticket stub was semi-attached to my wallet, got caught in the wind and blew onto the ground.

Within my reach.

I would be lying if I said my immediate reaction was to pick it up. It wasn't. My immediate reaction was to let it blow away. But with 7 people standing behind me, watching, ready to judge my actions, I knew I had to pick the damn thing up.

I stepped out into the street, put my foot on the ticket and grabbed it.

Scraping my thumbnail on the pavement.

Destroying my perfect manicure.

I just knew that that was going to happen when I picked the stupid thing up. Fear not, it made it safely into the garbage can (almost didn't, it got caught on the ledge and I almost let it stay there...but again, my conscience got the better of me).

But I'm not going to let my perfect manicure's destruction get in the way of a GREAT day at the office.

Yeah, no that last part was total sarcasm. Fact of the matter is that I'm totally choked. I can't begin to tell you how mentally distressing it is to look at my nails and see this glaring imperfection. And its going to be like this all day.

You must think I'm so shallow. I'm not. Not really. My nails are the only thing that I take any kind of pride in (appearance wise). The rest...meh. At work anyway. In other situations, well, I'm my grandmother's granddaughter (she changed her clothes when she left the house--there are house clothes and there are outside world clothes. I share this affliction).

But guys! The sun? Its shining today. Automatically my mood is brighter (ha ha, see what I did there?). Sure, the sun is currently shining directly in my face, blinding me and fading out my computer screens. But the point is, that its shining! A sure sign that Spring is getting stronger. As long as some a-hole doesn't close the blinds, I'm going to be in a sunshine-y mood. Which means...

...nobody dies.

And the villagers cheered.

PS: People! Yesterday marked 200 posts! And I didn't even do anything to celebrate (aside from write another witty, interesting and thought-provoking post. Obviously)

HR = Corporate Prostitutes

I have worked here for 2 years, 2 months and 9 days. Approximately.

This could easily turn into a tailspin post about how depressing this place is, how bored I am and how I can't wait to leave and tell everyone exactly how I feel. In fact, it very nearly did but I deleted all that because I didn't want to pollute the blogosphere with my negativity. How far I've come.

Instead, perhaps it would be fun to pass along some exciting office-y things that I have learned working here. This way, you too can benefit from all the time and effort I have spent here not killing people or burning the place down.

I don't know how many things I can creatively say that I have 'learned' here- I would argue that learned is a strong word and that I've mostly just existed here, getting my paycheque and praying for weekend. In this way its much like that time I was an au pair for a summer for impossibly spoiled children. Except that I get paid twice a month instead of once at the end. And the money is better. But not much.

Oh my god, I get paid almost the same as when I was an au pair. At least there was always liquor in the au pair house.

I'm going to need a minute to recover from this revelation.

OK. Things I Learned Working In A Soul-Crushing Cubicle

1. Keep Your Ears Open. It may seem tempting to drown out the drone of office inanity with your headphones, but if you do, you will miss all the important things that are going on around you. People in positions of power can't be bothered to lower their voices or have important, confidential conversations in rooms with doors, so you would be amazed at the things you can pick up. Of course for every important tidbit you hear there are twice as many useless things you learn (like that Veronica's dad made her chocolate covered strawberries this morning...WTF?), but I'd say its worth it in the end.

2. Tea Goes A Long Way. Tea (or coffee, pick your poison) is the single most important liquid you can ingest on a work day. Caffeine is the one thing that will keep you sane, awake and prevent you from engaging in any kind of murderous rampage, however tempting it may be. Especially on a Monday.

3. Work On Your Pokerface. I have gotten in a lot of trouble over the past 2 years because of a tendency to have my thoughts written all over my face. Apparently this offends the powers that be (John, who prefers plastering a sh*t eating grin on his face instead). Work on a neutral face (use a mirror if you have to) and wear it to work all day long. Inside you could be seething with frustration, or crying tears of desperation, but they will never know.

4. Bullsh*t Bingo. You would be amazed at how interesting meetings become when you play a rousing game of Bullsh*t Bingo with a trusted co-worker. Set up a Bingo card, agree on what constitutes a Bingo (straight line, black out etc) then fill in the grid with common office speak you know will come up. Words and phrases like "think outside the box", "strategies", and "effective communication" are always popular, but I encourage you to come up with terms that are most common in your own office. Extra points if you stand up in the meeting and cry "Bullsh*t" when you win.

5. Keep And Delete. The nature of working in an office today means that there is a lot of electronic communication flying around. Create a folder with all important communication so that you can hang onto those emails. I'm not talking about important ones about the work that you are doing, I'm talking about the ones that affect your job and you. Keep them as a record of what was said and what was promised so that you have something written down to back you up. The flip side is that email is an excellent way to keep up with your non-work friends. Just make sure that you delete all received and sent emails when you are done with them. Same goes for any in-office friendly communication.

6.Do Your Own Research. Don't wait to get screwed by Human Resources (they are in fact paid to screw you, like corporate prostitutes), do your own research and know where you stand in relation to benefits, vacation days and most importantly, raises. When you know it yourself, John...er, your manager can't go above your head and f*ck you over.

7. Always Have Your Resume Ready To Go. If you work on your resume before its needed you will have the time to calmly and methodically go through your experience and tweak a resume to make it as strong as possible. By the time you need it (and you will) it will be ready to take you to your next (better) position. If you have to work on it when you are seeing red, its not going to do you any favours.

Although I think that I could come up with some more prickly wisdom for you, I would like you to come back and read something else I have written at some point in the near future. If you have any other advice to add, or something struck you and you would like to let me know, please do comment. Like any self respecting blogger I need your comments to validate me.

All New Agey And Stuff.

According to my horoscope I'm supposed to believe that fate will be kind to me today. I guess if I believe it, it will be.

I agree, perhaps it was a little premature to check my free daily newspaper horoscope. Usually I wait until my lunch break so that instead of having my horoscope dictate my day, I can see if my horoscope was right.

But this morning I was waiting for the water to boil for my tea and it was lying there. So I read it.

I'm encouraged by the fact that it said it was going to be a good day. That and the bottle of wine sitting on my desk when I came in. Thanks Anna! No. 99 Wayne Gretzky wine! Amazing. Think it would be frowned upon if I cracked it now?

So this is going to be a fairly new agey post. Because the next topic is...my dream.

Considering what an a$$hole I pretend to be on this blog it will probably surprise you to know that I'm fairly in touch with my new agey side. I'm a pisces. I think this explains all. I like the idea that there is meaning in the things that you dream, that everything will always work out (yes Anna, I guess this is a bright side, shut up), and that you can tell a lot about a person depending on their sign (sometimes people take more after their ascendant sign, that is, the sign that was rising at the time of their birth).

Right, so that dream.

Obviously its partly to do with the fact that I sat and watched the final game of the NCAA Men's Basketball. That sentence hurts me, but I can't find a way to fix it...

So I watched the game (while playing solitaire. With real cards. I'm cool like that) and although my heart was hoping Butler would win (how adorable is their mascot? Yes, that is the reason I was cheering for Butler. Silently), The Boyfriend was all about Duke. He bet his sister dinner at our favourite sushi restaurant that Duke would take it. I'm all over a free meal anyway.

Since The Boyfriend is up at 5, he was ready for bed at 9.45. I followed him to bed (so that I wouldn't stub my toe or smack my knees into the very awkward height bed feeling my way in the dark if I waited) and decided to tackle my monster Hitler biography. Don't read racist tendencies into my reading material- I'm a student of history. Its over 1000 pages, I've been working on it since the fall. Its a very dry read. Turns out, Hitler wasn't a super interesting guy. Not charismatic like you hope a dictator will be, just kind of a power hungry, egomaniacal sh*t. Perhaps I should have gone with Stalin?

So I'm reading my Hitler book, hoping I will be able to read a little and fall alseep quickly (mission accomplished 2 sections in, about 15 pages. Now you know why its taking me so long).

And this is when I fell into my dream. About me playing on the Butler team. And instead of losing the game we totally won. But then we were all girls (previously I had been the only girl) playing the men's Duke team. So while we are celebrating the Duke coach comes over (its not Coach K, its my Grade 8 math teacher who was also the senior boys' basketball coach and hated to lose) and says that he is going to fight the win and take it away from us and then I'm at a friend's house and there are kids everywhere...and it all kind of goes away.

The way that I choose to interpret this (that's the beauty of interpreting dreams, you can do it anyway you want) is that it was about winning. Now Anna used to have a dream dictionary at work but apparently she has since taken it home (yes Anna, I looked through your stuff, just a surface search) so I had to google my dream.

I did look up basketball first but apparently that means nothing.

Winning however, can mean one of 2 things.

1. signifies triumph and success; you are experiencing confidence in your abilities and belief in yourself. The dream serves to offer some encouragement.

or

2. symbolizes a sexual conquest.

So again...I choose option 1. It must all mean that fate is sending a perfect job my way and because I'm so confident in my abilities and awesomeness I will land it and be great at it.

All in all, encouraging report no?

The Aftermath

This is my first Easter Monday in the office. I have never worked on Easter Monday ever. Which probably contributes a lot to the feeling of "this is bullsh*t" that I'm currently experiencing.

I think that the executive team tried to soften the blow of working a holiday (seriously, its a holiday, it took me no time to get to work because no one is working today) by sending out an email that raises were effective April 1st. I should be celebrating, but I'm more of the mindset of "I'll believe it when I see it".

They undid their efforts with the next email though. An announcement of the first "franchise" owners under the new system. Its not surprising, considering how far his head is up the collective executive a$$, but Turd Ferguson is one of the first. Because Turd needed more reason to think he's hot sh*t. Lord help us all.

I can hear Turd's unnaturally highpitched laugh as they celebrate his success. Congratulations Turd, you are the best a$$ kisser around.

So today is the first day when all the party people (I posted a recap on Saturday, scroll down) reconvene in their work roles. I'm excited to see what kind of awkwardness ensues. So far John is making doubly sure that we all recognize his authority. He is using his big boss man voice, and keeping conversations short and to the point.

If you have scrolled down you will read that I had one jager shot and then I passed the bottle around for others to partake. I walked into the kitchen this morning to get tea (you guessed it: Sunday night = no sleep) and Nathan (he of the hat inside wearing fame and general douche-baggery) says "Hey, its Jager girl!"

Are you serious?

He asked me how I got home. I told him that my boyfriend picked me up about 11 because of the herbal refreshment partaking. I told him that I can't be around that because my boyfriend is a police officer (and also, I just don't like it). He then proceeds to tell me how he had to go outside to puke because the bathroom was preoccupied and how he left at midnight but passed out in his car. And then drove himself home.

Thanks for sharing that you drove home drunk. I'm an even bigger fan now.

I just got some more details about what happened when I left. Sounds like I left at a good time. See there weren't just work people there, some of the hostess' boyfriends' friends were there. I guess one guy got really drunk and started taunting people from the office, among other things calling John a fag.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not John's biggest fan. I'm not a fan at all. But calling someone a fag...that disgusts me. I could definitely go on a tirade here, believe me, but I will refrain.

I guess it all kind of went downhill from there. One guy left because he was so angry at the comments (rightfully so) and the party kind of broke up after that. The hostess did give the guy Veronica's number so that he could apologize but I do not envy being the hostess this day back at work, working for John. Its all about who your friends are right?

So what have we learned? Friends and co-workers do not mix. A work social situation should not go beyond the restaurant. Nathan is a moron. And I feel bad for John.

Again, at least I got out in time.

Co-Worker Party: A Synopsis

So I made the decision to go out for a couple of drinks over dinner with my co-workers, in celebration of one guy's last days. I slept in, started work at 9am, got through the day (with THREE different cakes and a full lunch courtesy of the office, nothing really got done, everyone was in a food coma) and walked to the restaurant with people from the office.

We got to the restaurant and immediately ordered a drink. I ended up having 3 drinks at the restaurant- 2 of them might have been Long Island Iced Teas. To his credit John did buy us all a round of drinks. And he sat with us, visibly tipsy (he had taken the guest of honour for a couple of rounds of drinks before the festivities- again, I have to give him credit because that was decent), but lucky for me, he sat at the end of the table. There were a few moments when I totally thought he was going to sit down in the empty chair next to me but he clearly thought that that would have been a bad decision and he would have been right.

Against all odds I'm actually really enjoying the company of my co-workers at this point. Even Amy, Veronica and John were doing their best to not ruin the evening. Veronica kept saying "Supervisor hat off!" which a) was her way of letting us know that she was participating as an equal and b) so so lame to keep saying. The plan was for everyone to go for drinks and dinner and then move the party to someone's house to keep it going. I was just going to go for dinner and drinks but was completely unprepared for enjoying myself and wanting to continue.

So I went to the afterparty as well.

Veronica was driving a few people but she obviously didn't have enough room for everyone so we were looking to bus out there. I had no idea where I was even going so I made sure that I wasn't left behind. I was not counting on John's intention of keeping the party going. He ended up joining the group I was in, going to the liquor store with us, saying over and over "Boss hat off!" and...sharing a cab

At one point in the liquor store he was like "oh, maybe I should just go home" (music to my ears) and I said (sarcastically) "oh. no. don't do that" and he turned to me with watery eyes and was like "It really means a lot to me that you said that".

Lord.

Not only did he not go home, he was ready to party like a 16 year old. And yes, I did make him pay for the cab.

We got there and you should have seen the eyes of the girl who's house we were at- her boss (John was all "I'm not your boss" so I said "Fine, you're our boss' boss, that's worse") was at her house, drinking. Awkward.

John quickly set up shots for everyone, I caught him taking a picture with Veronica where Veronica was grabbing his chest, and it seemed like everywhere I was, so was he. I had a couple more drinks, a shot of jager and was enjoying myself (somewhat) until the distinctive smell of something herbal found me.

I know, I live in Vancouver, I shouldn't be surprised. Here's the thing though- The Boyfriend? He's a police officer. Even worse? From where I was standing it looked like maybe John was taking part. Party was over for me.

I called for a ride home (mostly because I had no idea where I was).

And so ended my evening.

The One Where I Name Drop

So no thanks to you lot I made a decision about tonight: I am going to go.

I was told that there was a hint of anti-social behaviour in my plan not to attend and since I still have to work with these people, I might as well attend. If nothing else a good story should come out of this right? Can you imagine me sitting there, removed from the group, a little pad of a paper and pen in hand recording everything that is said and done? People won't be suspicious of me at all will they?

The upshot of all of this is that I started work at 9 this morning. No sense in getting off at 4.30 only to wait in the bar for everyone else to arrive.

And yes, I realize that it means I have to stay here til 5. But in the moment, the promise of extra sleep totally overrode that fact.

So yesterday, 2 things happened. Neither of them are related to work. Although I'm sure I can find a way to work in something Cubicle related.

First. I went to see Hot Tub Time Machine. Since I never watch commercials anymore (thank you PVR) I was notified of this movie's existence because Liz Lemon (30 Rock) went to see it. And if Liz Lemon likes it...I need to see it. I saw the trailer and got even more excited. Then we lied about our zipcode to watch the restricted trailer (when will you understand America, that sometimes Canada wants to play too?) and I was sold.

Last night was the big night. Before I left work I mentioned out loud to no one in particular that I was going to see it. Maurice chimes in with "Oh I saw that. It was hilarious! I laughed the whole way through!"

I stopped, stared at him and shook it off.

This is like the kiss of death for a movie. If Maurice liked it, thought it was funny or smart, it was probably the opposite. But I didn't want to believe that of Hot Tub Time Machine. Seriously, when Law Abiding Citizen came out, Maurice raved about it. I told him it looked ridiculous. He asked me if I even knew what it was about? I summarized the plot for him. He was all smug "I thought you hadn't seen it?"

I didn't.

Hot Tub Time Machine wasn't as bad as Law Abiding Citizen probably was. But it was no Stepbrothers. I laughed, it was raunchy, but definitely wasn't laughing the whole way through. Maurice ruined it for me. Bastard.

Next. Since I finished The Children's Book (the villagers cheered) I have been able to start the new Jodi Picoult book House Rules. I love Jodi Picoult's books and I haven't been this excited to start a new book since the whole Dan Brown fiasco . I was kind of disappointed in The Lost Symbol. I mean, I couldn't put it down and my heart was racing, but in the end? Meh.

Jodi won't do that to me. She's just getting better the more books she writes.

The problem? I need to keep reading it! I need to find out what happens. I'm invested. Its sitting in my desk drawer waiting for me to pick it back up and find out what happens to Jacob Hunt. I know its there, calling my name, begging me to come and finish, find out how it all unfolds.

In other book news. A couple of weeks ago, I made the mistake of reading Bitter is the New Black by Jen Lancaster at work. Its an incredibly hilarious book, something which was recognized by Olga

She asked if she could borrow it.

I was so stunned by her balls to ask me (when we have barely said hello to each other ever) that I just nodded.

But I didn't mean it. So I'm hoping she forgets.

Yesterday, she asked again. I'm not normally opposed to lending out books. You know, to people I like/know. But this? This is wrong. It feels so wrong. The book is in my bag, ready to be handed over. I don't want to do it, but I don't know how I can get out of this!

Jodi will help me get through this. But so help me, Olga better bring Jen Lancaster home to me safely.

Long Weekend!