Friday, March 26, 2010

A Cubicle Tale

Once upon a time there was a strange and confusing place called Cubicleland. It was a place where rules changed, double standards prevailed and the currency was pizza. This awkward and sometimes irritating place is where a young boy, called John, grew up. From birth he learned to navigate the paths of Cubicleland and ingratiate himself with the rulers, most of whom were part of the Imbecile family. John himself was a close cousin, belonging to the Moron clan.

The years passed and John Moron grew into an awkward, yet oddly self assured man. He did have some cosmetic dental issues so when he was old enough he got himself some adult braces. The Imbecile family's last ruler was getting old and had no children to pass the throne to. He searched the frustrating land for an heir, and soon the land knew who his choice would be: John Moron.

All the peasants groaned.

You see, for all his privelege and adult braces, John had a secret: he wasn't very smart. Or tactful. He considered himself a people person but truth be told, people were wary of him. He was shifty. The peope worried for their futures under the new leader.

Some peasants, like Veronica Backstabby and Amy Frost were willing to go with the flow. They had been close with John when he was young and figured that he would take care of them now. Bored@Work Fabulous and Anna Awesome were more dubious about the new ruler's abililty to govern effectively.

Less than a year after John Moron had taken over the ruling of Cubicleland, a neighbouring empire came and tried to take over. John met with the warrior ruler of this land to try and make him back off. The people of Cubicleland gathered in the streets, waving him off, sure that he would protect them and their homes.

But John Moron had other ideas. Instead he worked with the Warring Nation to create a takeover that would effect all the people of Cubicleland. He returned home, assuring his people that he had been successful. The people went back to work.

Weeks later, the Warring Nation took over. John Moron lost his post as supreme ruler but found a very comfortable position in the new dynasty- he became the Head Brown Noser. John knew that he had to appoint his allies to positions close to him, keep out the pesky peasants like Bored@Work Fabulous and Anna Awesome, even though they were hard workers, had great ideas and were generally, the best at everything.

It didn't take him long to appoint Amy Frost and Veronica Backstabby. Amy took to her position calmly, but ruled with an iron fist. Veronica was much more dangerous, feasting with the people, before choosing who to torture for crimes against the state.

There was no work anywhere in the neighbouring regions, so the peasants were stuck. Bored@Work Fabulous started a writing campaign to try and bring attention to the plight of the Cubicleland dwellers but with only moderate success.

After months of toiling under the harsh new regime (without even regular holidays that the land had always celebrated, like Easter Monday), Bored@Work Fabulous realized that there was only one way out of this mess: John Moron and his henchpeople had to be taken care of.

Somehow Veronica Backstabby was convinced that it would be a good idea, what with all the stress of her new post, to start going to hot yoga classes. Regardless of all the sweaty people, and the fact that its a perfect breeding ground for disease, Veronica went to the classes. One night after class, Veronica was left behind (to tie her shoes) and when she tried to leave, she was stuck. The heat was left on, and Veronica Backstabby melted.

Amy Frost, for all her ruthlessness in her post, had a soft side that enjoyed scrapbooking and card making. She had always been a part of a scrapbooking class with the peasants. This continued after her appointment to her new post. Unfortunately Amy Frost met with an unfortunate incidente involving a paper cutter and did not survive to tell the tale.

With his henchpeople dropping like flies, John Moron took to going everywhere with a bodyguard. Everywhere that John went, Turd Ferguson was sure to go. But Turd wasn't well liked either. Every morning and afternoon they enjoyed a hot cup of coffee. And one day, the coffee was off. Some said it was just old, others were convinced that it was poisoned. I guess we'll never know-- but it was the end of John Moron and Turd Ferguson.

With all of these mysterious deaths, the Warring Nation got scared. They decided that Cubicleland was messed up and that the best possible course of action was to get out. They hastily packed up their belongings and were gone within hours of John Moron's death.

So ended the clan of the Morons and the rule of the Warring Nation. But the people had had enough of families ruling for centuries with no understanding of the way the people lived their lives. They decided to elect their new ruler based on the ability to do the job well, a totally new concept in Cubicleland. The people voted unanimously to make Bored@Work Fabulous the new ruler. Anna Awesome would be her deputy.

And so it was that Cubicleland became a paradise on earth, with understanding, capable and brilliant rulers.


  1. And they lived happily everafter.

    You forgot that part. Great post, loved it!

  2. I love this story, especially the ending!!

  3. great story...where ever did you get your inspiration?

    you're such a diligent blogger...posting everyday...I can't keep up. You had a b-day didn't you?

    Happy belated b-day!

  4. Very amusing. (And surprisingly well-written, you know, considering the time.)

  5. You're right Record, I did forget that part. I'm glad that you all enjoyed it! Perhaps you would enjoy this one as well...from September. A different kind of princess...