I'm 25 Years Wise Today

Today is my birthday. My very favourite day of the year. The one where all my friends and family have to celebrate me with a big ol' smile on their faces, give me presents and raise their glasses to get drunk with me.

It also means I'm not at work. And with weather like this (thank you baby Jesus) I'm thrilled not to be sitting in my Cubicle watching it from the window. I'm going to put a pretty birthday dress on and enjoy my birthday weather! Woot woot!

But of course, my birthday this year isn't all fun and games. Well no, it is. But its also a milestone birthday. Twenty-five. Lordy lordy, do I remember being 15 and thinking about all the things I wanted for when I was 25. It seemed so old, obviously would be married and have kids. Because apparently that was the only thing that mattered to my 15 year old self. Fool.

Anyway, my 15 year old plan for myself didn't pan out. Thankfully. But that doesn't mean I've spent the past 10 years being worthless. Au contraire, I have spent the past 25 (and the last 10 in particular) being awesome.

Here are some of the wise things that I learned. In my newly minted 25 year old state I'm sharing them with you. Think of it as a present to you from me. Like the little token present my little brother used to get on my birthday so that he wouldn't get jealous of all the attention paid to ME.

1. Life doesn't work out the way you planned. The Universe amuses herself with these little mind games. There will be detours. Roll with them. The scenery might be better than you expected.

2. Always have a glass of water handy beside your bed after a night of drinking. Five am will come around and you will be thankful you don't need to stumble to the kitchen to get it. If you are in Mexico be prepared with bottled water. I don't care how safe you think the tap water is, it isn't. Bottled water.

3. Relax the face. Your mom was right (but don't tell her)-- your face will freeze like that. Don't have a perma-scowl on there, don't frown. Relax the face. Try smiling. Laugh lines are much more attractive than frown lines. I know--I'm starting to get frown lines on my forehead. One more thing I hold John responsible for.

4. Chocolate milk is just as good for you as white milk. Probably even better because its so much tastier.

5. Be nice. You get so much further when you are nice to people. (caveat: you don't have to be nice to scum sucking d-bags like John because they aren't real people. They are scum suckers who step on the little people and they deserve to be hit by a bus). Plus when you are nice to people they are much more likely to come out for things like your birthday and send you nice messages.

6. Be patient. Its true that good things come to those who wait. Sure he has a penchant for basketball (which I hate) and he does have red hair, but the good definitely outweighs the bad. And he went to the store all by himself again today, and didn't get raped. . So if you're patient, the good will find you.

7. Wear sunscreen. Yeah there was that song years ago, popular for graduations, but that was a smart man. Skin cancer's no joke people. Lather on that sunscreen. SPF 15 on your face? Please. Try 45. Gonna keep this pretty face supple and smooth.

8. Read. It does the soul good. Plus there is all the learning. One should never stop learning. And books make nice furniture. A real conversation starter my bookshelf is. Sure people think I'm some sort of public f*cking library...but I generally get my books back. Audrey.

9. Do one thing a day for you. Maybe its your nails, maybe its going to the gym, getting outside for a walk, taking a bubble bath, having a glass of wine (red is heart smart) - one thing a day just for you.

10. Read my blog. Its full of knowledge. Look at all the things that you learned today! And also I'm desperate for approval. I almost put a winking face there to conspiratorially show you that I was joking. Sort of.

So thats that. Hey look, 10! For the 10 years since I was 15 and laid out my very modest life plan. Clever. Maybe none of this is wise, maybe I just like to hear myself talk. Probably. Why else would I have my own blog? Please.

I'm gonna have a glass of chocolate milk.

Happy Birthday to me!