Friday, March 5, 2010

Dear Jerk

Today I was struggling for something to write about. I feel like its been a super uneventful week in the Cubicle (which, considering I'm still recovering from my death plague I guess I should be grateful for) so there hasn't been too much to complain or write about. But because I am a professional (whiner) I am always able to find something. Even if I make sh*t up.

But what I really want to do is rant. At people. And since it made me feel all warm and fuzzy when I did this back in January, I think that today I will end the week with another set of Dear Person-Who-Makes-My-Work-Life-Miserable notes. Everybody likes a little note. It makes them feel special.

Some may surprise you, most will not. You should try it too. Its a hell of a way to end the work week!


Dear Anna,

How dare you abandon me for half days while you better yourself! You are a selfish, mean spirited girl who apparently cares nothing for me. I don't care that you are not meant to spend your days wasting your talents in a sh*thole like this, pay attention to me! While you are off slicing veggies and stabbing your hand, I am stuck here ALONE. Do you know what its like to be here without you? I have never been without a buddy here-- first there was MK, then there was that period of time where I was trying out a bunch of people and kind of got stuck with that crazy for a while, and now there is you. You need to take your buddy responsibilities more seriously. Jerk.



Dear Maurice,

You don't make my life miserable, you brighten it up. I really like your new haircut. Snazzy. Although I'm a little disappointed that you went for straight laced this time and there are no designs shaved into the sides of your tentative mohawke. And you're not wearing your lime green shirt today, which, as you know, is my favourite. But you amuse me nonetheless. I know you don't mean to, but you do. Keep on shining.



Dear People-at-The-Record's-Office,

Stop being dumba$$es. Stop taking advantage of her awesomeness. Clearly you are unable to do your job effectively but that doesn't give you the authority to dump your problems all on her. Don't use the word "mommy" as an adjective- everyone gets it, you got knocked up. An office baby shower is only fun for you, everyone else came for the cake. I understand that you think you are better than her because you live in the boonies and know where everything is, but here's the thing: you live in the boonies and the Record doesn't. From where I'm standing, you are at a disadvantage. She will never live out there. She won't even be in that office a year from now. You should be thankful that she deigns to work in your crummy office. Worship her- she is Queen.



Dear Veronica,

I feel like we have come a long way in our relationship. But I still have some issues. I just overheard you on the phone. This is what you said "Hi Daddy. I forgot to tell you, you don't have to clean my car today". Really? I know that when you got your car you were all "now I have a bill to pay, I'm like a grown up" but let me tell you, you're not. You have a car, but your dad still picks you up and apparently he's cleaning it for you as well. Not ok. I know that you get a lot of emails daily (yesterday you were going through the ones from February, not sure why you are collecting months' worth of emails to look at at once...we work with time sensitive material but I guess thats just more of that pesky common sense coming up eh?) and that it helps you think when you read them out loud...but here's the thing: don't. For all that is holy would you please READ IN YOUR HEAD? As for your sitting in on a meeting chastizing someone for violating the dress code-- you have got to be f*cking kidding me. Here's the thing Pot- you're probably the worst offender. There are the flip flops, the sneakers, the fact that I have been able to see the tops of your bra-- the list goes on. And you are a supervisor so its so much worse coming from you. Smarten up ok?



Dear John,

I'm going to start with a general F*ck You. I'm not really sure what your purpose was sitting in on my review meeting. Mostly there just to smile like the damn Chesshire cat and f*ck up my day weren't you? Since you had nothing really important to say, I'm confused about the need for your presence. I guess its about time that you look busy eh? What with all the execs around all the time--how do you explain your paycheque to them? Look busy. I get it. I just hate you. And that gold tie on Tuesday. That looked ridiculous. I mean, yes, you have come a long way from your adult braces...but gold is not your colour. In fact I'm thinking that gold ties really only work on Donald Trump and hockey commentators on the morning of gold medal games. Your lurking is really getting out of hand too John. I don't know how you have the time to pop up all over the office and just "chat" with people. Leave us all alone, we have work to do you know? I mean you're the one that is all "don't socialize, focus on the work" and then you float around the office doing exactly the opposite of that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm stoked that you are going on vacation this week. Beyond stoked--it means I don't have to see your ugly mug around the office for a while. But here's where I get annoyed. When you start telling me that you are going on yet another cruise, I lose interest. Didnt you just come back from one? Oh that one was different? Different how? Oh your in-laws were along? Yeah I can see how being on vacation with in-laws makes a difference. No sorry, I lied. Makes no difference to me. I hope they made it miserable for you. See I only get 3 weeks vacation thanks to you. So sorry that I'm not more empathetic to your plight. And yes, John, Anna and I are using emails to communicate now. You know why? Because you ruin everything else. And if we don't get to talk to each other, well basically, neither of us have anything left in the office that we like. So we don't appreciate your smug face and your f*cking comments about the "new way of talking". Go on your damn cruise. I hope you fall overboard.



Well folks there you go. I think last time was better. But you work with what you can right? I hope you enjoy your weekend-- I'm going to try and buy stuff in the states and then not pay duty on them on the way back. Those border guards can be tough though so wish me luck! Oh and Oscars this weekend!! Stoked!


  1. I am not worthy. You are the sunshine in my day. I worship you - you are Queen!

  2. I hate it when my office buddies are out too! My work spouse is out today and my other main office buddy is out too. I'm pretty sure I've been driving people nuts all day.